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Face May 15, 2012

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What the hell is that.

Pensive May 15, 2012

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All Pensive, all the time.

Bachelor-Cap March 13, 2012

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Okay – all together now:  “IT’S OVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  What was perhaps the WORST BACHELOR SEASON EVER is over.  And yes, I’m including Ali, and Jillian, and Brad 2.0 (okay, who am I kidding, Brad’s season was amazing).  We all knew the result going in (and if you didn’t you clearly haven’t seen any celebrity magazine in the past two months) but Ben gave us a few golden moments before slinking away into Bachelor obscurity. 

Oh, and I’m warning you now – any time you heard the word “Matterhorn,” take a shot.

No Bachelor finale is complete without a starting pensive shot –

Only to be followed by a CLOSE UP pensive shot!

Ben has so many layers.


This has been the latest installment of “KITTY!!!”

Ben’s mom and sister showed up to help Ben judge pick the girls and all I have to say is…..CAPE!!!!

Seriously ya’ll, capes are the RAGE in Switzerland this time of year.

Is it just me, or does Sister Julia look like my homegirl Alanis?

Am I right or am I riiiiiiight? 

The girls put me through it this episode.  It was the exact same things we had heard from them over and over this entire season.  Just a complete snooze-fest.  First up to meet the mom and sister was Lindzeeeeeee.

Can someone (anyone) PLEASE teach this girl how to do her makeup?!??!  She CAKES it on!

She also caked on the charm with Barb and Julia, flashing those damn dimples every chance she got.

During a commercial break, Hulu advertised Seasons 1 and 2 of “I Love New York.”

It was at that point, and every point during the next hour and ten minutes after, that I wished I was watching “I Love New York” instead.

Hey Ben- nice sweater.

Bill Cosby he is not.

Ben had more thinking to do later on in the morning – cue Ben’s ‘thinking’ face:

Of course Barb and Julia showed up to judge meet Courtney, and Julia wore herself a jaunty little hat!

Werq it gurl.

Right off the bat, everyone hit it off splendidly as evidenced by the looks on their faces.

Fun times had by all!!  You know what is more fun than this conversation though?  THE MATTERHORN!!!!!!!

Honestly, if they showed one more DAMN shot of this DAMN mountain, I was going to jump off the DAMN roof.  WE GET IT!!!  You’re in Switzerland!!  It’s pretty!!  Matterhorn!!!!  Oof.  What do you have to say about the Matterhorn Miss Julia?

Exactly.  And what the hell are you wearing child?


Ben and his sister have quite an odd relationship.  First of all, he’s always trying to hug her.  And secondly, I think he picked Courtney because she looks like his sister a bit.

He freaky-deaky like that.

I’m also freaky-deaky’d out by Lindzeeeee’s necklace.

Lindzee’s necklace:  brought to you by the teeth of the fallen female contestants that came before her.

For their last date, they thought it would be fun to take a tram up to the top of a mountain and go skiing.  Okay, that’s fun.  But then to have the tram stop in the middle and just hang there?!!!??  Terrifying!!!

I don’t know why he insists on doing these death defying dates.  Like, go traditional and see a movie or something dude.

Their date was seriously uneventful.  It was just a whole lot of ‘I’m in love with you love with you I love you’

And then some more “I love you you complete me love you love you love you”

I didn’t even care about watching because I knew what the end result was.  And I’d heard it all from Lindzeeee before.  Snooze.  NEXT!!

Ugh.  Nevermind.  Can we go back to Lindzeee?

Snooze.  Kissing in a helicopter….

Making snow angels…


This is like the grossest Hallmark Holiday commercial I’ve ever seen.

At night, Courtney decided to bring up the fact that none of the girls like her…AGAIN!!!


She then wrote/spoke all of her feelings to Ben and included many stock Bachelor phrases that we’ve heard over the years including “you feel like home to me,” “I love so much about you,” and who can forget “you’re my past, present and future.”  I chose to leave out “oh my Dad.”

Time for the final day pensive photos!!!!!  On a balcony…

In the mirror…. (slather on that makeup girl)

Through a window…

And we bring the whole thing full circle by ending on….

A balcony (with tea!!!!)

Ben, you want to join in here?

Thanks for your contribution to this, and everything really.

When we see our favorite guest star NEIL LANEEEEEEE

We know the episode is coming to an end (thank Dad).




Chris Harrison holding a cape!!!!!

Cue Lindzee realizing she lost in 3….



And with that, we say ‘farewell’ to a girl we never though would make it past week 1 (this girl and that damn horse).  Of course Ben has to show that he’s so saaaaaaad….

But he don’t curr because he’s having sex with Courtney tonight!!  I was really disappointed in Lindzeeeee’s exit scene.  We barely got a tear!  We did, however, get one giant man hand.




Chris Harrison and CAPE!!!!!

Courtney seriously looks like an evil queen, and her long black gloves to not help to refute that statement.

If she pulls an apple out at any point, my ass is out of here. 

Ugh.  I’m so bored.  Okay girl – you won.

The real winner in all of this though…is THE MATTERHORN!!!!

Seriously.  Why didn’t Ben just propose to the Matterhorn?  Matterhorn Matterhorn Matterhorn (you drunk yet?)  Btw, I don’t know what’s worse – Lindzeeee’s man hands or Courtney’s ape arms?

Of course Courtney couldn’t let the season end without one last creepy moment with a rose.

And I couldn’t let you all leave without one last shot of…….


Sergio has previewed After the Final Rose for me and apparently it’s amazing.  I can’t wait to watch.  And by that I mean….I HATE THIS SHOW!!!!  (slash love)

Bachelor Bonus March 12, 2012

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A week late?  You bet.  Behind the times?  Totally.  But as the saying goes:  “Late is better than The Bachelor.”  Oh wait, that’s not the saying?  Whatevs.  I’m gonna go with it.

So last week was The Women Tell All special and I hate to say it but…there wasn’t very much that was ‘special’ about it.  You know what was special, though?

Chris Harrison, to me, you are perfect.

Before we caught up with our favorite friends, we visited some past contestants at a ‘Bachelor Reunion.’   Also known as:  “How many people from The Bachelor can I sleep with?”  Also known as:  “Contestants for the next Bachelor Pad.”  That being said, it definitely wasn’t a shock to see this chica there.

And I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Reid, as boring as he might be..

This ass-hat Jon Hamm wannabe is back…

As is ‘oh dear God pick me I’d be perfect for the Bachelor’ Ryan.

And of course, Michelle Money.

Because you can’t say the words ‘Bachelor’ without Michelle Money showing up and saying “WHERE??!!”

By now you should all know my feelings about this awful person.

Who apparently thinks all you need to do to dress up is throw on a sparkly top.  *sigh* And this girl has had HOW many makeovers?  You can lead the horse to water…

Frank is back…

And gorgeous as ever.  I loved me some Frank.

So yes, be prepared to see these idiots on Bachelor Pad this summer.  I don’t know why they’re already pimping that show out – don’t we have Emily’s season of Bachelorette to suffer through watch first?

As far as the Girls Tell All special itself, there REALLY wasn’t much to report on?  The audience was shocked by a lot

This face was made multiple times…

and the girls had their very own pretty party.  Over and over and over again. 

Seriously.  Just a non-stop barrage of pretty parties.  Even the audience got in on the act.

Can someone please tell me where this girl came from and why is she just awful? 

I mean…AWFUL in every sense of the word.  Awful to look at, awful to watch, awful to listen to.


Yeah yeah, yuk it up bozo.  You’re no great shakes either.

This was also the episode where “Tattle tale Emily” went from bad, to worse.

I’ve never wanted to muzzle something more in my life. 

Speaking of muzzling, Chantal was back.

And homegirl’s appearance can be summed up in a series of pictures.

Chantal, ladies and gentlemen.

Emily apparently wanted to show us that she’s just like Courtney, so she let the girls come to play.

My thoughts on this?

No thanks, I’m good.

No strange girl, no one knows who you are.  And I said I’m good.

Kthxbyeeeee.  All of our thoughts on this rando stranger can be summed up in one picture:

So while, yes, we did have to see many girls who were just insufferable this entire season it was all worth it because we got to see one of the greatest scenes in all of Bachelor history again!!!!  This time with an EXTRA FACE!!!

Oh Kacie B., what did we ever do to deserve you?

I want Chris Harrison’s tie.

That is all.

You know what Kacie B. might want?

A razor to combat those side burns!!  Am I right Chris Harrison, or am I right?

I’m right.

Though typically neither of the top two girls visit The Women Tell All special, Courtney made an appearance so the girls could confront talk to her about her behavior on the show.  While you think they might be upset with her, I’m her to tell you they were very supportive, and sensitive to her feelings!

The audience, too.

I have to say, while I think she is awful, Courtney did look quite pretty.



This chick does not agree.

And, suffice to say, neither does Awful Emily.



Shut it, and keep it classy, ladies!

Upon seeing Courtney cry, the girls immediately started feeling bad.

Oh wait – no they didn’t.

Before we ended the episode, we had the misfortune pleasure of seeing our Bachelor Ben.


“Ben, why didn’t you like me back?”


“Ben, I really loved you.”


Again with this girl’s face.

But I’m not terribly disappointed.  Get naked Ben.  It’s all you have going for you.

After a massive group hug

This trainwreck of an episode was over. 

So tonight is the big ‘finale.’  Who will Ben pick?  Well I will tell you that he picks someone we don’t want him to pick and that they’re already broken up.  Don’t mean to spoil anything for you but this season of the Bachelor has been left out of the fridge for long enough, it’s already spoiled!!!


Bachelor-Cap February 28, 2012

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This week of The Bachelor brought us something that has been desperately lacking this whole season.  PENSIVE SHOTS!!!!!

Pensive in a car…

Pensive on a plane…

Still pensive on the plane…

God I’m so pensive on this plane…

And suddenly we’re in….SWITZERLAND!!!

I mean good Lord, Switzerland looks gorgeous.  I remember when I was on a train going from Amsterdam to Munich we drove through the Swiss Alps.  It was at night so I couldn’t see anything but I pictured it in my mind and it looked like this.  But with more snow.  And blonde people.  And it was more Alpy.  But other than that, exactly the same.

Oh lord.

PENSIVE ON A BRIDGE!!  If there’s one thing the Bachelor loves, it’s being pensive on a bridge!

The first date of the week was with oh Nikki you’re so fine, who gave us some good pensive looks while walking.


This has been the latest installment of “SWANS!!!”

Might I just say that the dates this week were TAME for the Bachelor.  I mean really?  No fire walking?  No putting your head in a lion’s mouth?  No kissing without chapstick?  No, all we got was a helicopter (duh)

A wholllllle lot of converstaion…

and a challenge to see how many shots we could get of them looking small compared to the giant alps.

WE GET IT!!  Switzerland has Mountains!!!

When I say there was a lot of conversation…looooord was there conversation.  Nikki could barely contain herself.  She muttered the ‘L’ word about 50 times and if I heard one more time about how her dad was like his dad I was gonna…and does anyone else think she looks like Maria Menudos?

What the WHAT was this outfit though?


I can’t.

I have a hard time with these last few episodes of the Bach because while a lot happens in theory…Nnnnnnot a lot actually happens!  Couples talk, they talk some more, then they sit by a fire and….

TALK SOME MORE!!!!  What do they talk about, you may ask?

“I love you I love you I’m finally ready I love you I love you.”

“Hair.  Wine.  Hair.  Wine.  Wine.  Hair.  Smashley.  Wine.  Opening up.  Wine.  Dad.  Wine.  Love.  Wine.”

“Hot tub.”

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in those fantasy suites. 

You bored?  I KNOW!!  Like, what funny things can I write about Ben and Nikki?  TWO OF THE MOST BORING PEOPLE EVER!!  I fall asleep just thinking about them.  Good thing we have Lindzeeeee up next.  Because as we all know, she’s THRILLING.

I wonder if he’s noticing how bad her roots are just like we’re all noticing how bad her roots are.  Eesh!

For Ben and Lindzeeee’s date they had the THRILLING task of repelling from a cliff.  You could see they were thrilled.

I kinda like when they make Ben do all this crazy stuff.  For as much as he preports to be the “MAN” you know he’s a panzy at heart.

Hold on Ben!! 

Of course we had to have the obligatory “mid-air kiss” shot…

And before you knew it they were on the ground.  Whole thing lasted a total of six seconds.  It took me longer to write about it here than it did for them to get to the ground.  And you KNOW that Lindzee was all about the ‘dangling love’ and ‘repelling for our future’ references the entire time they were doing it.  Don’t even get me started on how Ben said ‘oh my Dad’ while repelling.  *sigh*


And this has been the latest installment of “BABY SHEEP!!!!”

Obligatory hot tub and windmill shot…

and we cut to Ben looking adoooooorable in a yellow bow tie.

When he’s got it, he’s got it.  Question though:

Does Lindzeee ever have it?


I have to say, I think the two of them may end up together.  Did you notice how many times he said he was ‘falling in love’ with her?  That means something coming from Ben!  Now whether or not their night in the fantasy suite meant something or if it was just a quickie…

…well that’s debatable. 

Uh Oh guys, I think Ben just saw boobies for the first time!!


(*sigh*  I miss Smashley)

This coat looks like one my dad used to wear.

I may or may not have worn it to a 9th grade dance and it may or may not have been about six sizes too big for me.  But that’s just an estimate.

Courtney and Ben are RIL excited to ride that train.


Ben and Courtney were going to make their own picnic and, lo and behold, a guy with a truck full of fruit just HAPPENED to be driving up just as they were walking up the hill!!!

What a CRAZY coincidence!!


And this as been the latest installment of “GOATS!!!!!!”

During their date, Courtney and Ben played an awesome game by the name of ‘hey cow.’

Ben, you might want to copywrite that shit real fast.  Because before you know it, you’re going to start seeing a game called ‘Hey Cow’ in Target and your idea will be taken from you.  It will become THAT popular.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

During their date, they talked a lot about how Ben is concerned about what the other girls said in regards to Courtney’s behavior.

Let me just say, this girl deserves and Oscar because she played the SHIT out of this scene.

“Oh, I’m so sad.  Oh, that’s not me. Oh, I’m misunderstood.”  No matter what Ben truly belives, he takes whatever Courtney said and just eats it right up.  Cheers to you Court, for a very well played game.

Now let’s get it on in the hot tub!!!!!!!


What happened next was…well…a revelation.  We all know how I feel about Emily, the former contestant on Brad’s season.  Contestant/WINNER.  Well she’s back as the new Bachelorette and she’s saaaaaad.

No, not about the fact that her husband died.  And strangely not about the fact that she named her daughter ‘Ricki.’  No, she sad because she’s alonnnnnne.  And she has no one to lovvvvve.  All together now:


Well the GOOD NEWS is that she’s willing to fly out to LA so she can meet up with her bestie best friends Smashley….

And Awful Ali!!!!!


The girls went shopping with her (how Pretty Women of them) and then got makeovers!! 

Because…you know…they don’t know how to do their own makeup or anything (well, I guess Ali doesn’t so maybe this outing was necessary).

Good thing we hired all that paparazzi for our fun little girls’ day out!!

As a special treat to the girls, they were sent to see Titanic in 3D.  All while wearing really, really short dresses.

Leo approves.

Apparently Emily didn’t pay attention while recieving her makeover because she still insists on wearing these clunky glasses everywhere.

Come on girl, get your act together.

After the movie, they all hugged goodbye and clinked some champage so as to cheer Emily on.  Gag.  Snooze.  Bore.  Michelle Money when you need her?

Back in Svitzerland, we had the obligatory ‘four place contestant comes back to win back said Bachelor/Bachelorette’ moment.  And who could it beeee now but……

KACIE B!!!!! And she looks piiiiiiiiisssed.

In all honesty she couldn’t have waited any longer before knocking on this damn door.

She held her hand there for what felt like a million years.  I just kept shouting “KNOCK ALREADY!!!!!!!!!”

As expected, Ben was super stoked to see her.


Him saying over and over again ‘I don’t know what to say’ reeeeeally didn’t help the situation either.  Tension easer?  Not s’much. 

Kacie B. tried to give him her sexiest seduction face

and when that didn’t help to win him back, she decided to just go for it and tell Ben the ugly truth about Courtney.  Which, as we all knew he would, Ben took super well.

“I don’t know what to say!”


“I don’t know what to say.”

After he didn’t know what to say a million times, he kicked Kacie B. to the curb and she was so exhasuted by all of this ridiculousness, she, like America, had to lay down.

I can’t.

Chris Harrison, to me, you are perfect.

That is all.

I’m sooooo bored by these people.  Let’s wrap this up quickly.  Here we have the creepy shrine to the ladies…

The three ladies ready for the firing squad…

and Josh Groban.

As expected, Lindzeeeeee and Courtneyyyy got roses which means that our favorite Nikki got the boot.

She took it relatively well, which just pisses me off.

I expect a meltdown, dammit!!

The previews for the reunion special and the finale didn’t really reveal anything spicy, but they did show us this shot again.

Which always makes me happy.  Only two more weeks!!

PS I think I have Carpal Tunnel.  Later, ya’ll!!!

Bachelor-Cap February 21, 2012

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Kacie B, I know you’re probably hurting right now but let me just say ‘thank you’ for all of the joy you’ve brought to my life this week.  Your breakdown at the end of this episode…sigh…I mean we’ll get to it but I had to express my gratitude before I burst.

And by ‘Alligators’ you mean ‘contestants on The Bachelor,’ right?  See that up there?  “Lindzeeeee’s Hometown?”  Oh yeah, you know what that means…HOMETOWN DATES!!!!!  The most tragic dates of the year!  I feel like it’s Christmas morning.

So yes, first up was Lindzee.  This girl and her damn obsession with horses.

WE GET IT!!!  YOU LIKE HORSES!!  Now stop beating us over the head with it!!  Or the mane, if you will.

Well of course this girl wouldn’t go by car, train or helicopter.  Horse it is!!  I wonder what PETA would have to say about this. 

And I wonder what America’s Next Top Model would have to say about that.  Eek!

Ben had many great shirts this episode starting with this one, which I think I own.

The man’s got good taste in many things!  Women, not being one of those things.

Lindzee’s parents pretty much JUMPED on Ben the minute he got there.  He wasn’t even off the horse yet before her dad was all ‘how about some wine?!  I’ve got a great Chardonnay chilling right over here!’ 

Calm down there buddy.  Let’s not put the cart before the horse (horse pun).

Yes, I know it’s funny.  Sit down. 

After downing a glass of wine, Lindzeeeee’s father suggested they participate in an age-old family tradition:  buggy races.

I think I may see where Lindzeeee gets her horse obsession from. 

Lindzee’s mom sure did bring the Pretty Party this week.

Yes girl, get it!

I have to say, I didn’t think much about Lindzeeee and Ben’s relationship until this episode.  I think they may have a shot, but Lindz reeeeally needed to stop introducing Ben as ‘my boyfriend.’  Me thinks she might be living in a land I call ‘delusion.’  As it is though, cheers to her.

She’s gone from ‘who?’ to ‘meet my boyfriend!!!!!’  Might we have a dark horse in our midst?  (Yay horse puns).

Oh Gawd.

This one again. 

Kacie B. was SO excited to see Ben, I honestly thought she was going to pee herself.  Legit.  She was like, making all these squeals and grunts while hugging him.  It made me ril uncomfortable.

Almost as uncomfortable as her hair.

Really?  You can’t get it together more than that? 

I have to say folks, until this week I thought Kacie B. was in it to win it.  I truly thought we would be seeing her in the finale but the minute Ben met her folks

I knew she was a goner.

What also throws me for a loop?  Kacie B.’s sister can get her hair’s act together

But Kacie B. still looks like this.


Let me save ya’ll a bunch of time and sum up the rest of Ben’s visit in a few pictures.

Can’t ya just feel the awkwardness from here?  Oof!!

From the church that is Kacie B’s family we move on to this girl.

Name:  unknown.

First stop?  Well, we’re Texas so you know what that means…

BEN NEEDS A PAIR OF COWBOY BOOTS!!!! Jane Doe is so predictable.

What I don’t get, however is this sparkly shirt.

This is not Vegas, sweetie.  Put AWAY the sparkly shirt.

Whatshername’s family was much more receptive than Kacie B’s family, however.  I appreciate how the hot brother had to sit between divorced mom and dad on the sofa.

Did you hear that Who’s That Girl is divorced AS WELL?  The track record is not looking good for dear ol’ Benjamin.


End of Girl Talk.

Emotional Dad Talk!!!

End of Emotional Dad Talk.

Hot Brother!!

End of Hot Brother.

Kissing on my mom’s bed!!!

End of Kissing on Mom’s Bed.

And there you have, in a nutshell, whosawhatshername’s date!!!!  Yayyyy!!! 

I hate what I’m about to say.  And I’m only gonna say it once so take it all in….

Crazy Courtney looks pretty.

I mean, sure, the eyebrows are still out of control, but she looks good!  Almost as good as…..


Me want.  Me want now.

Courtney’s Dad was a little schmaltzy.  He reminded me of a used car salesman.

Digging the Argyle, though.

Courtney’s mom, on the otherhand….I was not digging.

PRETTY PARTY!!!!! (did you notice how the dad and the mom matched their ‘orange’ themed outfits?  They so fancy!)

Tell me something:

Is that a giant poster of Courtney in the upper right hand of this photo?  Something tells me that this family has a shrine dedicated to Court Court somewhere….

Courtney’s mom, bringing more of the amazing.

I think I know where Courtney got her amazing brows from….

Every other season or so, one girl comes up with the AMAZING idea to do a fake wedding with The Bachelor.  Ladies, THIS WILL NOT HELP YOU ANY CLOSER TO YOUR GOAL!!!  Making him write his own vows…

Having a minister…

Placing the ring on the finger…

This is not cute.  It is creepy.

My favorite, favorite, FAVORITE thing with the vows though, were Courtney’s.

She legit, straight up, word for word, QUOTED SEX AND THE CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!  You know in the finale when Carrie’s with Petrofsky and she’s like “I want real, out of control, can’t live without each other kind of love.  And I don’t think that love is here, in this gorgeous hotel room, in Paris.”  Courtney hocked a Carrie Bradshaw speech!  Part of that makes me hate her…and part of it makes me love her just a little more.

After all of the dates, Ben had a sit down with hottie mc hottie Chris Harrison

which I fast forwarded though.  Snoozefest, if you ask me.  I did pause long enough to pay my respects to the ‘Creepy Lady Shrine,’ however.

What, were short dresses half off at Bebe, or something?

Lindzee got the first rose, Crazy Courtney the second rose, and the third rose went to whatsherbutt.  That meant the brow of fury was headed home.

But not before she had a tearful ‘smile’ farewll with Ben

and then one of the greatest backseat breakdowns EVER!!!!!!  I don’t even want to speak for fear that I’ll ruin it.  But please, take each of these pictures in and savor them.

Ooh, her dad gon’ be PISSED!!!!!!!

Next week everyone travels to Switzerland, some girl comes back (betchu it’s KACIE B!) and Ben wears this adorable bow tie.

See you then!!

Bachelor-Cap February 16, 2012

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Hey ya’ll, sorry the Bachelor-Cap is super late this week.  It has been a week, let me tell you…It has beeeeeeen a week.  That being said, I’m super disappointed in this week’s Bachelor episode.  I didn’t see ANY pensive looks from Ben.  None.  And not that I was super paying attention but still, none?  I mean, don’t they know what we want?

His tank top.  That is what I want.  I mean, hello Nikki, am I right?

Yeah, totes!  (her name is Nikki, isn’t it?)

It’s so hard to believe that we only have six girls left.  I mean, they are just BURNING through them this season.  Makes me feel like, I dunno, they’d like to be done with the train wreck that is Ben, or something.  Lucky for us, the ones that are left like to provide us with plenty of pretty parties.

And that’s just a preview.  I don’t want to spill all the goods just yet.

Chris Harrison is back in all his gorgeousness and he also brought with him a friend that we haven’t seen for a while.  Oh yes, that’s right….it’s the…

TECHNICOLOR BUTTON-DOWN!!!!  I’m so happy I could cry.  Belize must bring out the “C-razy Chris Harrison.”

Yup, thanks for that Kacie B.  (KACIE B!  KACIE B!  KACIE B!)


By the way, WHAT is that shirt?  A striped blouse with lace shoulders?  What the what?

Speaking of shirts…

Ben is BA-RINGING the heat in another tank top I’m totally coveting.  What can I say, the man knows how to dress (and by that I mean ‘the dressers of The Bachelor know how to dress….the Bachelor’). 

Pretty party.

Thanks for coming.  Here’s your party favor.

I’m sure he was talking about something else, but I’d like to think Ben was pointing to the fact that his nipples look weird and his obviously shaved chest looks unnatural.  But that’s just what I think.  And really, what does it matter what I think?

For the first one-on-one, Ben and Lindzeeeeeee jumped out of a helicopter (surprise) together.

I have to say, if I heard ONE MORE DAMN time about how Lindzee was ‘falling out of a helicopter and falling for Ben’ or how she was taking a ‘leap of faith with Ben, literally’ or how she was ‘jumping for joy for Ben’ I was going to book myself a damn flight to damn Belize, and push her damn ass out of that helicopter.

And yes, I do realize that I would also need a time machine because this was all filmed months ago but that is BESIDES THE POINT.

They made it seem like they were just jumping into a ‘blue hole’ (yes…blue hole) of nothingness and then were going to swim around the coral reef until one of them drowned but then a boat appeared out of nowhere

and all of my hopes and dreams for the one-on-one with Lindzeeeeee were dashed.

I’ll tell you one thing though, Belize sure is pretty.

No sarcasm intended (a first for me, I know).

Part of me WANTS to like Lindzee but then I look at her…

…and I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Back at the house the rest of the girls were obsessing about the one-on-ones and Courtney was doing this.

I may have reached my boiling point with her this week, ya’ll.  I don’t know that I can handle her face anymore.

But anyway, back to the date.  Yes, the date.  Where they wrote a ‘fairy tale’ about Lindzee and Ben, put it in a bottle, and set it off to sea.

Some girls get yachts, some girls get Circe de Soiles….Lindzee gets a bottle on a dock.  A true fairy tale indeed!


Hey Ben, whatcha doin’ there?

Cause it look reeeeeal gay to me.  Also gay?

His synchronized dancing with Emily.  In real life they’re playing basketball with random natives of Belize (random my ass) but I choose to belive they are dancing instead.  And it’s my Bachelor-cap, so I can choose what I want to choose.  I choose my choice.

Let me ask you something.  If you’re in Belize, and you see a man on a dock selling lobsters and you ask to buy one and he says ‘no, these are all spoken for but tell ya what, if she’ll smile at me I’ll take you and your lady on a private boat tour where you can buy your own lobsters,’ would you think he was being for real?

No.  No you would not.  However, this is The Bachelor and ANYTHING is possible.

Ladies and Gentlemen, lobster full frontal.

Back at the house, Courtney was being put through it.

But back on the DATE, Ben and Emily were dancing with the locals, which may or may not have included a he/she man/woman.

It was much scarier when in motion but seriously, what was that?

Get it Emily, GET IT GET IT! 

But is it really necessary for all of us to see your toungue slopping all around?  Blech!

Back at the house, the last one-on-one date went to……COURTNEY!!  Good thing for us, Kacie B is an expert in side eye.

Yes, honey!  I have taught you well!

In addition to the side eye, Kacie couldn’t stop talking about how badly she wanted to ‘squash Courtney like a black widow.’

Um, bitch I hate to break it to you but Black Widow’s are poisionous and if you sqashed one like that it would bite you and your dumb ass would die.  Just thought I’d let ya know.

For Courtney and Ben’s date, they walked some tall ass Mayan ruins…

Courtney sucked on some fruit…

and Ben was so awe inspired by the view he introduced us to the phrase ‘Oh My Dad.’

I can’t. 

And, if my math is correct, if Ben is substituting ‘dad’ for ‘God,’ we should substitute’ Jesus’ for ‘Ben.’  But what do I know, I’ve always been bad at math.

Like Lindzee before her, Courtney likened walking the Mayan steps to taking steps with Ben.  And every ‘step’ was a ‘step’ in their ‘relationship.’

You people make me want to kill myself.


Yes Lindzee….


For the group date, Ben surprised all of the ladies first thing in the morning which led to this lovely exchange.

I spared you the shot of Rachel shaving her armpits in the sink.  :::shudder:::

So yes, KACIE B, Rachel, and Nikki came to play, and so did Nikki’s friends.

Double and D.

Justin Bieber was also there

As were the most unthreatening sharks I’ve EVER SEEN.

I mean, I can’t even justify that experience with a screen grab.  They were going to go “SWIMMING WITH SHARKS” but in actuality they went swimming with some baby vegitarian sharks, some sting rays, and some finding nemos.  And it was a good thing Ben was there because Rachel and her nose ring were TERRRRRRRRRIFIED of the sharks.  Afterwards, I beleive she said something to the effect of ‘each shark I saw was like another shark in this house that I want to beat to get to the whale shark that is Ben and my’s relationship and I’m not afraid to be a Great White.’

Or something like that.

No one know who you are Nikki.

No one.

As if we’ve forgotten that they’re in a foreign country, KACIE B found it necessary to remind us by wearing the national symbol of ‘I’m in a foreign country….’

…a big ass flower.

I’d now like to invite you to the 5th annual….COURTNEY PRETTY PARTY!!!!

Thank you for coming, your party gifts at the door.


At the rose ceremony, Ben simply HAD to pull Courtney aside to ask her some more questions about why all the girls don’t like her

when REALLY we all know the answer.

PS.  It’s because she’s awful.

Speaking of awful…

Let’s cut back on the makeup next time Zsa Zsa, whatya say?

As it was, the last three ladies were these tramps

with Courntey and her weird ass face getting the last rose.  This prompted Emily to make this face

Rachel to being tired (I’m tired of the feather earing she’s wearing)

And Emily to cry some mascara tears.

Looks like a successful rose ceremony if you ask me!!!!!

Next week is sure to be an awesome episode as it’s the………FAMILY HOME DATES!!!!  But more importantly, Ben wears an adorable shirt.

Ah!!! GIMMEE!!!

Here’s hoping Courtney get’s squashed like the tarantula she is!!


Bachlor-Cap February 7, 2012

Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.

ALL RIGHT ALREADY!!!  It’s Kacie B!  KACIE KACIE KACIE!!!  I’m sorry for the confusing but…ya’ll…I can’t keep these girls straight.  Like, I don’t feel bad if I get their names wrong but if it confuses YOU, I will do my homework better. 

BAMBOOZLED!!  That is the theme of this episode – BAMBOOZLED!  Soooo many girls got BAMBOOZLED it was crazy.  But we’ll get that later.  First off…

Welcome to Texas!

Texas, Panama, whatevs.  Same diff.

As if to try and prove Ben’s masulinity, they stuck him in a GI Joe jeep and made him drive himself to meet the ladies.

Notice how the windshield is blurred out?  I’m not entirely convinced they trusted him enough to drive the jeep on the freeway, but that’s just me.

KACIE B apparently thought it was best to wear a neon yellow scarf.

I mean….at least it matches the flowers? (I’m trying to stay positive here!)  Poor Blakely.  That girl looks put through it!!  (BAMBOOZLED, I say).

The Bachelor.  Brought to you by: 


I don’t know what it is about the producers wanting to send everyone to their ‘very own’ tropical island.  This ain’t Survivor.

I also love how KACIE B kept mentioning how it’s their “private island.  Just me and Ben.”  Yeah, private except for you and Ben….and the camera man, the sound man, the producer, the director, the boom guy, the assistant….I could go on and on.

 KACIE B just stood there and let Ben do all the work and open the coconuts.

She should be called “LAZIE B.”  (Yay, puns!)

Ben made this face:

and we moved on. 

Even though I think she’s probably going to win and I really don’t hate KACIE B….I really don’t like her.  Plus I think she looks like a strap of leather.

Fix yo’ damn hair, girl!

I also don’t see how a second one-on-one date is the right time to talk about your struggle with anorexia and puking up Super Bowl goodies.

I mean…at the VERY least save that for the overnight date in the Fantasy Suite!!  What is it with these girls wanting to get deep at dinner?  If I were Ben I’d be like “here, take this rose.”

“But you can only accept it if you stop talking about your daddy issues or puking after Super Bowl parties.”  I can’t..

For the group date, the girls all went on a ‘man made boat’ (is there any other kind?) and went down the river…where it conveniently starting to rain prompting Courtney to exclaim:

“I’m so Wet.”  Courtney, ladies and gentleman.  Classiest proud this side of the Nile.  Speaking of class…

If you want me to believe that these ethnic children just HAPPENED to be playing soccer in loin clothes as the Bachelor Boat passed by, you must be out your damn MIND.  Additionally, isn’t this a little obscene/innappropriate for the 8PM family hour?

As it was, the scantily clad children led everyone to the village, where there just HAPPENED to be an entire community awaiting their arrival!

Including this man.

Back off, Grandpa.

Courtney really classed up this entire date.  Blur.

Ben, not wanting to be outdone, stepped up to the challenge.

Not that I am complaining.  I will complain about this:


At some point during the day, apparently the blur was not enough and we had to move to the….


Ah, the Black Bar of Death:  When a Blur just isn’t enough.

Later on Lindzeeeee ate Ben’s face

Janelle wore her finest stripper outfit:

(I know her name isn’t Janelle, but I feel like it should be).

Courtney made Ben really uncomfortable by essentially propositioning him.

And Janelle tried to really ‘get through’ to Ben and let him know just HOW MUCH she likes him.  Please note Crazy Ass Courtney in the background.

This whole scene was just one giant CRINGE.  Where is the BLACK BAR OF DEATH when you need it?

This chick REALLY tried to cover her tracks from the past two weeks when she threw Courtney under the bus.

And then she made this face:

And she STILL didn’t get the rose!  After all that!

Courtney put on her finest lipstick, put on her finest Tshirt and put together the finest bun and waited and waited for Ben to arrive at her room.

Unfortunately, he did not come.  SO SAD TOO BAD.

The two-on-one date was between Rachel and Blakely and they had the SUPER FUN date of being taught Salsa by the Spanish Serena Williams.

As if you had any doubt, Blakely’s girls also came on the date.

Hi ladies!!!

Wouldn’t it have made much more sense for Blakely to wear this dress instead?

At least then she would have had a strap to keep the ladies up.  And yes, that would have made more sense.  But this is The Bachelor.  It’s not supposed to make sense.  Why do I keep FORGETTING THAT?

Rachel was like…ALLLLL up in arms about the fact that Blakely would dain to do something as scandaloso as :::gasp::: put her leg around Ben while dancing!!!

In my opinion, Rachel’s face is more scandalous, but that’s just me.

What was that weird purple strobe light going off while Rachel and Ben talked?

Is there a dance party going on that no one told me about???!!!!

Blakely made one last ditch effort to bare her soul to Ben

but he utimately gave the rose to “I don’t smoke, my voice is just naturally this raspy” Rachel.  Which prompted Blakely to make this face:


Random shot of a cat in the street….

Blakely crying while Ben throws her in the cab….


And Skeletor waves her victory rose in the air. 

The End. 

When my boyfriend Chris Harrison shows up randomly during the day, you know it’s never going to be good news. 

Normally it’s fun bad news.  But this was just….I mean…it was very confusing. 

So apparently Chris got word from ‘three different people’ that homegirl here

(anyone know her name?  Anyone?  Anyone?)

has a boyfriend at home that she’s still in love with.  Okay well FIRST OF ALL, it’s an EX-boyfriend, and if she’s still in love with him, that’s beside the point!  Why not just let it be and let her get to the finale and then she’ll dump Ben because she’s still in love with her ex-boyfriend!  That would be the fun way to play things.  But whatever.  I loved how she started having a therapy session with Chris. 


He is the expert on all things relationship, afterall! 

When they went to go “surprise” Ben, he, SURPRISINGLY had an entire camera crew in there!

It’s almost as if they KNEW how this entire scenario was going to play out!

Ben made this adorable face

and then kicked her ass to the curb.

If nothing else, this situation gave us our first and only pensive shot of the episode.

They are REALLY lacking on those this season. 

Whatsherface had a breakdown in the hallway, spouting off about ‘well if it doesn’t work out with Ben, and I can’t go back to my ex-boyfriend because he doesn’t want to get married, WHAT WILL I DO???!!!’  The conversation led into some AWESOME ugly cries.

She is going to hate herself when she watches this later.  Best of luck to ya, chickee.  Oh, and you need therapy. (don’t we all)

The cocktail party was relatively uneventful, except for “Janelle” making one last desperate attempt to have Ben notice her.

Did anyone else cringe when her dress RIPPED upon straddling Ben?  Embarrrrrrrrassing.

She then tried to give Ben a kissing lesson.  Honey, you obviously haven’t been watching the show – he doesn’t need any lessons.  Ben, like us all, was visibly made uncomfortable by this whole scenario.

This face was made more than once by me.

You pain me, my child.  After this (and before, really) there was no question as to who would be going home.

BAMBOOZLED!!!!  She did it to herself, really.

And with one last pretty party parting shot…

Janelle and her stripper outfits were out of our lives….FOREVER!!!!!!


Next week we go to Belize and the girls confront Ben about Courtney.

Oh.  This is gonna be gooooooood.

Bachelor-Cap January 31, 2012

Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
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Sometimes there are some weeks of The Bachelor where the girls and Ben just don’t provide us with much.  A skinny dip here, a catty comment there, blah blah blah.  Some weeks we don’t even get a PENSIVE look!  I mean, what?!  I really miss the days of crazy ex-Bachelor contestants coming back and girls leaving because they ‘just don’t feel it.’  And back tattoos.  I’ll always miss the back tattoos.

Luckily, for our sake, there will always be faces like this to entertain us.

And Chris Harrison will always be there for us to gawk at.  Although…

WHAT is that ring on his index finger?  Kinda gay Mr. Harrison…kiiiiiiinda gay.

This week we leave the boring confines of the US and travel to Pureeeeeeerto Rico!  Thanks to the number of ladies, everyone gets a date.  You get a date, you get a date, you get a date, etc.  Some girls were happy about this, others, less so.

Honestly I don’t even know why half of these girls WANT to go on a date.  If you get to stay home, you get to do this:

Infinitely more fun than conversation with Ben, if you ask me.

The Bachelor.  Brought to you by:


F’real.  There are so many damn helicopters in this show they must have some sort of frequent passenger program or something.

This chick got the first one-on-one.

I don’t remember her name.  All I know is that she needs a manicure.


Apparently it rains in P.R. so chick and Ben stood in a doorway and kissed in the rain (naturally)

And then decided to be like crazy tourists and buy some new ca-razy outfits.

No Ben.

You actually CAN’T pull that off, in case you were wondering.

What sounds like more fun when you’re on The Bachelor than sitting on a bench and watch a wedding?  Was it just me or did homegirl take FOREVER to get into the church?  I was like, damn girl – move it or lose it!  Also?

Baby got back.

This episode was chock full of ridiculous shots.

I mean, why else do we watch this show if not for shots like these?

“Come girl, won’t you sit with me in this giant clam?”

I’m telling you, the tanning looked like more fun.

Next was the group date and here’s a fun fact:  they have BASEBALL fields in Puerto Rico!

Who knew.

Chris Harrison showed up looking a little more ‘man booby’ than I’d like.

But he’s in a tight blue shirt so I’ll take it!  Plus his hair was lookin goooooood.

Work it OUT Chris Harrison, work it out.

The girls had to compete against each other in a baseball game to win  a SEPARATE, SMALLER group date.  Seriously, this shit is complicated.  Also complicated?

Honey, no.

There were lots of tragic moments during the baseball game but really this is the only one worth mentioning.


Also, what is up with this look?

You played the game at NIGHT, sweetie.  I don’t think the massive black stripes under your eyes are necessary.  Damn fool.

Team red won the special mini-date and let me tell you – Team Blue were such gracious losers.  Really took it in stride.

Oh wait, no they didn’t.  I’ll let awful, awful Courtney join me in making fun of them.

Thanks for the help, Court!

Apparently this second group date is where bad, clashing patterns came to die.

It’s also where Courtney B’s hair came to die.

Hot damn girl.  Can’t you do something about that?  Someone send some relaxer, stat!  I mean, shit!

Yeah, I’m with you on this one Benjamin!

This chick got the next one-on-one and she was SUPER excited about it.

Thrilled, really.  Judging by this chick’s lack of airtime, something tells me this date is going to be one giant boat crashing into an iceberg, if you know what I’m saying.

I just hope that her heart goes on.

So let’s see, they chatted a bit on the boat which led to awesome hair moments

and awesome facial tics.

For some reason they got SUUUUUPER dressed up for dinner…

even though they were the only two people on the island.  I don’t get it, but Ben looked far too cute in his tux for me to complain.

It became clear quite fast that Ben was going to send this Snooki lookalike home but was it really necessary for him to pick UP the rose and practically dangle it in her face?

Poor thing, like us, saw it coming pretty fast.

And of course she took the dumping very well.

Aw, see ya, don’t wanna be ya!  Love that instead of letting her go back on the yacht he sent her on that rickety old dinghy!

Yeah, so does your face.

As Ben walked back to his ‘mansion of the seas’ he had the rose in his hand.

As I watched it I said to myself ‘omg, he’s going to drop that in the ocean.  They’re going to have a shot of the rose in the ocean.  Omg.  No they aren’t.  No they aren’t.’


YES THEY ARE.   Honestly this show is Pre-Dict-a-ble.

The girls (unlike the audience) were all SUPER shocked that whatsherface didn’t come back.

Courtney viewed this as an opportunity to vie for the crazy stalker of the year award.

Showed up at Ben’s door, talked all kinds of crazy baby talk, offered him a massage using the free lotion they give you at hotels, and then suggested they grab their wine and go walk down by the beach.

Being the classy ho that she is, we can all guess what happened next.

No.  She.  Didn’t!

And Ben went along with it!!!  Something tells me he’s gonna have a LOT of splainin’ to do when this season is over!

I mean, number one explain to me this:


I actually had a lot of sympathy for Horseley this episode.  She seemed more genuine, and just misunderstood in life.  When she lost the baseball game she was totally devastated and I felt for her.  But then she goes and wears an outfit like this

and grabs at Ben’s face when kissing him

And my hands are tied.

Courtney was up to her old kind and sweet ways

and blondie thought it would be a good idea to AGAIN bring up to Ben how much the girls don’t like Courtney and how she’s different around him than them.

Honey, did you learn NOTHING from your mistake last week!?!?!  Ben doesn’t want to hear about that!!  What is wrong with you?!

Besides everything.

Time for the roses!!!

Who is this?

No, seriously, who is THIS?!

I know who this is though.

One sad, sad girl.  Ayup, ‘You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Redhead’ didn’t get the rose and I was kinda glad.  She was too much too soon for me.  She gave us an awesome exit breakdown, though.


There was all kinds of goodness in the preview for the second half of the season but I can boil it down to three things:

Pensive looks

and of course


Peace out!

Bachelor-Cap January 24, 2012

Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.

You know, I really appreciate this show sometimes.

Just when you think you’re watching one of the most boring Bachelor episodes of all time (slash most boring Bachelor season of all time) these girls really pull it out of left field and bring it on home for you to make your time worthwhile.  Let’s discuss.

Ben couldn’t even eke out a proper pensive shot in the first few minutes of the show.

Seriously, I was starting to get concerned.  I don’t know that I’ve ever seen an episode where we haven’t had at least SOME kind of pensive shot.  Then, at the last minute, he hooked us up.

It’s not the greatest one we’ve ever seen (there’s no back tattoo involved, hello) but there’s a horse involved and that ups the ‘ridiculous factor’ tenfold.

Chris Harrison was lookin goooooood, ya’ll!!!

Coiffed to perfection, rocking that blue sweater, GET IT boyee!

I failed to mention that this week we were in Park City, Utah.  A place I have visited MANY times, but never have I seen it look as gorgeous as they did on the show.  Next time I go I demand to be taken around by helicopter.

Okay back to Harrison.  My favorite was when he said to the girls “make sure that, whenever you have time with Ben, you make the most of it.  Don’t just sti there and talk about the weather.”

Uh Oh, guilty consciences’ ladies?!

Courtney B really put me through it.

She was one insecure statement after the next on this damn epsiode.  GET A GRIP!

This girl got the first one-on-one.  I don’t know her name, let’s call her ‘bangs.’

Yes, well, most of America hates you now too because you’re awful.  Moving on.


So jealous.

I’m less jealous, however of the canoe excursion.

Not only was the conversation awkward as hell, look at those BUGS!!  No thank you.

This next picture…I can’t.

Bangs was so awkward this entire date, it was PAINFUL.

In every interview behind the scenes she’d yip and yap about her ‘communication issues’ when she should have been saying all of this to BENJAMIN!

And stop making that lip face, dammit!

Is anyone else confused why they never eat the food on this show?

It all looks very good.  If I was the producers’ I’d be all ‘no fantasy suite for you until you finish your meal!’  It’s just confounding.  Makes me go

I can’t.

Bangs got the rose, so she’s sticking around.  Oh goody.

GROUP DATE!  And we’re gonna ride some horseys!!

No, not BLAKLEY’S, I said ‘horseys.’

That’s better.

Courtney B was being put through it that all these other bitches were on her GROUP DATE.

Head Bitch In Charge Courtney was fine with it and she fly fished (I can’t) patiently, knowing that Ben would come to her.

Honestly, teaching a girl how to fly fish is the oldest trick in the book.

I ALWAYS go fly fishing on dates.  It’s just like ‘teaching someone how to golf’ or ‘teaching someone how to play tennis.’  Get some new moves Benjamin.

Lindzeee made this face

and we moved on.

Looks like Courtney’s plan worked

But…um…don’t you want him to be kissing you and not the fish?

This girl knows how to play the game.

She was all ‘I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you and I’m happy to talk to you on a group date or a one-on-one’ which is exactly what Ben wanted to hear so he ate her face.

THIS chickadee, however…

Did exactly the opposite and played the needy girl and Ben was like ‘well if you can’t handle the heat, maybe you should get out of the kitchen.”  Please to witness the evolution of her breakdown.


HBIC was so sweet and handled her embarrassing exit with grace and kindness.

Or not.

Who is this girl?

Yeah, we feel the same about you, rando.

Courtney B and Ben actually did have a *very* cute moment during the group date.  He pulled her upstairs and let her know he’d been thinking about her and then he ate her face.

If she doesn’t win, let’s just say I’ll be very surprised.

Ben looked awesome during his conversation with HBIC.

She employed the same strategy that blondie who went home did and she was all “oh, I don’t know if I can handle the attention you give all the other girls”

And instead of sending her home, he gave her the rose.  Because that makes sense.  It makes about as much sense as Courtney B‘s hair.

Girl, get your act together!  There is some stiff competition here (no there isn’t).

Stiff, Stiff competition.  Like roots McGee over here.

Looks like SOMEONE isn’t a natural redhead.

I don’t know what it is with Ben and these death defying dates.  Repelling down into a carter?!  No thanks.  And doing it in a bikini?!

Even more ‘no thanks.’


Okay, maybe.  All together now:  “EAT!!  HER!  FAAAAAACE!”

Back at camp, Emily was making good use of her time.

Highlights, drinking, and talking shit behind another girl’s back.  What more does one need?!


Who is this.

Why are all these people staring at them while they make out?

No, seriously, WHO IS THIS?

And more importantly, WHO IS THIS?!

*sigh*  I need to pay more attention.

I loved this next sequence of events.  Emily was feeling insecure about the attention that Courtney (HBIC) was getting and so she went and tattled to Ben about how evil she is.

GIRLS!!  If there is ONE thing we’ve learned over the course of 93 seasons, it’s that NO Bachelor likes a tattle tale!  They don’t care about who doesn’t like who and who is fighting with who!  All they care about is who is going to sleep with them when they get into the fantasty suite!

I bet this girl would.

WHAT is that dress.

If there’s one thing HBIC does not tolerate, it’s someone talking crap about her to her man!

Courtney:  You know what you did!
Emily:  I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Courtney:  Oh, okay girl, I see you, I gotchu.

Emily:  Okay Courtney, whateversnickersnickereyeroll
Courtney:  Blerp blerp meep.

Then Courtney did what she loves to do in her spare time…

…which is rub a rose inappropriately against her body.

Emily, at this point, knew she SCREWED UP.

That’s what you GET for trying to bring down another girl!  The Head Bitch In Charge!  The Michelle Money of this season!  Girl, CHECK YOSELF!

As luck would have it, she ended up getting a rose and went back to being a cocky ass ho.

I’m sorry, but she is.  I calls it like I sees it.

Merpy Monica was sent home.  Honestly, she and Ben never even had a conversation – I’m surprised she stuck around this long!  Throw that girl in a snowy limo,

show the obligatory tear shot,

and let’s just be DONE with it!

I’m exhausted.

Next week, we go to Puerto Rico (or someplace like that).  Ben wears this ridiculous outfit

and then wears NOTHING AT ALL!!!!!!