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Oh the People You’ll Meet…. September 30, 2008

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There are many interesting people in New York City. And more than anytime, I walk by many “interesting” people on my way to work. Normally I’ll see one or two of my buddies but this morning all four of them were out and that calls for a celebration, bitches!

#1. Bird Lady.
Meet “old bird lady.” She owns this…like….antique store on 52nd…but it’s not antiques at all really. It’s mostly just crap. She has old clothes, and magazines, and books, and china…it’s so odd. Anyway, as I walk to work she’s getting everything ready for the day–and that includes feeding her birds. Birds!!! Forty or so pigeons, PIEGEONS MFers!!!! So I’m walking by and she’s throwing feed at them and I have to dodge the feed and the pigeons and it’s not a fun situation at 8:30 in the morning…okay, who am I kidding–more like 8:55 in the morning as I’m usually late. Replace the chickens in the picture below with pigeons and you get the gist of the situation.

It’s not a situation I enjoy.

#2. The Bearded Lady
If I’m REALLY lucky I’ll see crazy bird lady’s daughter, or as she is more affectionately known, “The Bearded Lady.” I feel bad for her, I do, but she really has it coming to her. Homegirl wears the same unflattering pink shorts every day, does not comb her hair, and has hairy legs and a hairy face! C’mon bitch–Nair is NOT that expensive!The sad thing about this amazing portrait by Brian? a). It’s surprisingly not that far off from the real girl and b). This picture makes her look pretty. Seriously ya’ll, she is gnarly. I don’t know what is scarier before 9am–pigeons or Bertha up there.

3. Rogue
Picture Rogue, from the X-Men.

Now picture Rogue as a 70-year old woman.

Old lady Rogue is a new friend of mine, I’ve only seen her a handful of times, but she sure is a favorite!

4. Heckler Hank
Every day, when I pass by the Post Office, Heckler Hank is either setting up for the day or is already there and ready to heckle. I have no idea who this crazy is, but he’s a man I presume to be homeless who rides his bike to the post office every day, sits down, and just heckles people. He doesn’t ask for money, he doesn’t perform, he just heckles. For instance, if you’re a pretty lady, or even a lady in general he’ll say something to the effect of “yeah baby honey mama! Walk that ass down the street to the corner, then turn right and walk it some more! Yeah!!!” Or if you’ve got a dog he might say something to the effect of “That dog goes woof! That dog has four legs! That dog is a dog!” Heckler Hank is the King of stating the obvious. My favorite is if an old person walks by because Heckler Hank will say something like “you is old! You’re an old bitch! Your ass is old!” Well duh H.H., they know that they’re old. They don’t need you telling them that. It’s just mean when you think about it. The only thing that Heckler Hank has yelled to me is “You’ve got some music in your ears!” I’m assuming he said this because I had my headphones in and not because of the marching band that was hanging out in my ears. But I’m only assuming.

A Long Way To Happy September 29, 2008

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If things don’t go my way, I can be happy. Honestly, I can. Hey! Don’t scoff! I can!!! If I like someone and it doesn’t happen, I can be happy that they’re happy with someone else. If I am playing a game and I lose, I can be happy for the person that won. Okay, I may pout a bit or get “scary” but in the end I know that it’s just a game. I get over things fast…usually. But something I can’t be happy about? The marriage between Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson.

The marriage between Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson. First of all, she’s a man. And a lot younger than him. Secondly, remember this?!

That’s right. Ryan Reynolds used to be engaged to my homegirl, Alanis. Before he dumped her ass and started dating Harlett Hohansson. I mean really, who the hell does he think he is? Does he think he’s god’s gift to women? That he can just flaunt his relationship in front of her like “ooh, look how happy I am! Neener, neener!” Does he think he has abs of steel or something?

Okay uh….um….oh god……okay….er……..abs of steel, check.

Still, I used to really love Ryan R. and knowing he was with Alanis made everything that much better. But now that he’s with…..her…..well….I’m trying to be happy for them, but I jus’t dont know how. I have to put Alanis first, afterall.

Speaking of Alanis, I went to the Alanis concert on Friday!!! Because I’ve been following her setlists, I wasn’t really surprised by anything she played but I still enjoyed myself tremendously. And my seats were pretty great, although they were a bit further away than they appeared to be when I bought the ticket. Look at this awesome picture I took during the concert:

That was sarcasm. IPhone camera? Awesome. IPhone camera zoom? Nonexistent. Alanis sounded great, looked great, and I really loved the time that I had.

Should be a busy week—the parental units and sister come Thursday and are staying with me so I’m going to be a cleaning machine the next few days. Hope everyone has been enjoying their Monday’s.

Even though I’m mad at him….how about one more for the road?

Le Sigh…

Palin!! September 29, 2008

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We’re Not Gonna Pay…. September 26, 2008

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It’s raining in New York today. Something I learned today is that Rain + a hole in your shoe do NOT mix.
I’m going to the Alanis concert tonight.

And while I’m really excited, I’m actually a little nervous. because I’m going to the concert by myself. It’s not that I couldn’t find anyone to go with. The reason I’m going alone is because when I bought the ticket during the pre-sale my credit card was maxed and I could only afford to buy one ticket. Since it’s at Radio City Music Hall, the seats are assigned so someone buying a ticket would just mean that we’d be going together and sitting apart, and what fun is that. With all that’s been going on with work, I kind of feel like this concert has snuck up on me when in the past I literally had countdowns before I saw it. I’ve had some great times at Alanis concerts–mostly with DC Doug. The Alanis/Tori concert in Vegas, Alanis concert at the Olympics, Alanis in Salt Lake with Jessica and Shannon…it was all such a fun time in my life. I’m listening to everything Alanis today to get me in the mood. 🙂

Last night BFF, Matt.com and I went to see “Rent: Live on Broadway” in the movie theater. It was Rent, the entire show, on a movie screen. It. Was. Amazing. Seriously, it was SO COOL! It wasn’t just a straight on shot of them filming Rent. No, it’s like WE were on stage with them, the camera angles, the way the camera followed the characters, cutting to where the action was…I was blown away. There were things I noticed last night that I didn’t notice in 14 viewings of the musical on stage. And the performances!! Ugh! Die!! They were bananas. Will Chase will go down in history as my favorite Roger, and I’ve seen a lot of Rogers. Rennee Goldberry, someone I did NOT like on stage as Mimi, absolutely blew me away on screen.

She and Will acted the SHIT out of it. And Adam Kantor as Mark, made me see Mark in a completely different way, and it was refreshing.

I have to tell you, I cannot recommend this enough. If you haven’t seen RENT on stage, don’t rent the movie (he he, rent). Go see this in the theater!! There are only two more days left in this initial release although they may be showing it on later dates. If you’re in Grand Junction, they’re showing it at the Carmike 7. They’re for sure showing it in Denver. They’re for sure showing it in Salt Lake. They’re for sure showing it in Columbus. Go to http://www.thehotticket.com/ and see if they’re showing it in your area. I promise you won’t regret it–this is a cinematic event that should NOT be missed. Like I said, I’ve seen the show 14 times….and last night walking out of the theater I felt like I had just seen the show for the first time. And that’s saying something!

Goodbye to You September 25, 2008

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STOP READING IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN TOP MODEL THIS WEEK

Well, one of the most controversial characters in Top Model’s history, Isis, the Transgendered contestant, went home last night. Isis sounds like an American Gladiators name by the way. Anyway, she was never that good and really did take some awful pictures, but at least she was entertaining. I hope you don’t mind, but I reworded some of the lyrics to a song and I would like to dedicate it to Isis.

“It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye, to the Trannay.”

How do I say goodbye to the Tranny
The good pictures that you took…
…well there were few…

ooooooo

I thought you’d get to see the finals
But now Tyra’s had her say
It’s so hard to say goodbye to the Trannay

Next time you pose, make sure you close
Your legs
All I know if you made me laugh
And now you’re through

oooooooo

If you get to make a career
I hope it’s not just in a magazine that’s gay
It’s so hard to say goodbye to the Trannay

And you’ll take with you the weave
To dry your tears after all the pain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to the Trannay

And I’ll take with me the memories
Of your deep voice and your bad runway
It’s so hard to say goodbye to the Trannay

ayyyhee heee hee hee he he hehhhhhheeeeeeee

We’ll miss you Isis!!!

These Are the Thoughts…. September 24, 2008

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A few tidbits about my morning:

1. Gayken

Uh…..yeah? And? Seriously? Like anyone is surprised with this information? Clay Aiken is as gay as the gay is long, and we’ve known it from the moment we met him. Oh, his poor mom-jean wearing fans…they’re going to FA-LIP! My favorite is the quote about his mom from the new People: “She was obviously somewhat stunned.” F’real? His mom was stunned?! How could anyone be “stunned” by this news? Half of the people I’ve told already thought he was out of the closet. Oh yeah, and that baby is ugly. No way will he make it on my cute baby list (what up Jack, Gavin, and Laken!!!)

2. My New Boyfriend
Omg, I sooooo met my new boyfriend at the doctor’s office this morning. I went in bright and early for my two week check up (seriously, is it time to take this DAMN splint off yet?!) and the minute I walked in I noticed him. He was standing by the check in desk in a tucked in blue button down and slacks, and seemed very boy next door with his brown spiky hair. I gave him a little smile, wen to check in, sat down, and started playing on my phone. All of a sudden, he comes over to me and says “Brian?” I was like “uh……….yes? Do I know you new boyfriend?” Having gone to this Dr.’s office every week for the past seven weeks, I’ve gotten to know the office staff and so I didn’t think that my new boyfriend would be working there. Turns out, my boyfriend works there!!! So he brings me to the room, I say thank you, and he walks away. That’s uh….that’s kind of the end of the story. After the Dr. saw me, I made my next appointment, and left with no more cute boy interaction. The moral of the story? The best part of waking up is not with Folgers in your cup–it’s with a cute boy in your Dr.’s office!!!

3. Martha Plimpton

I saw another Martha Plimpton lookalike on the Subway this morning. That bitch is following me!

4. Holes in my shoes
I have holes in both of the soles of my work shoes

The hole is actually much bigger than that drawing above. He he….hole. Due to the fact that I walk a lot, have cheap shoes, and have had them for over a year, I now have holes in the bottom of both of my shoes. I could get them fixed but the rest of the shoe is also beat up (hey, New York is rough on shoes, what can I say?) so I should really just buy new shoes. The only problem is there is no way I can afford new shoes right now. So let’s start a “Brian needs new shoes fund,” what dya‘ say?

For only $5.00 you too can help a struggling New Yorker buy some new shoes so that he won’t have to limp around the city due to the fact that the hole in his shoe prevents him from making a complete step. Please send all cash, checks, and money orders to:

Brian Bahr
123 Sesame Street
Blah Blah Blah, NY 10023

You too can make a difference in someone’s feet. Or you can stalk me now that you have my address. Your choice.

5. Biggest Loser
While at Anthony’s house last night, I watched the Biggest Loser in HD (High Definition for those of you who don’t know….okay, maybe just my mom) and halfway through I had a revelation.

The Biggest Loser?

In High Definition?

A liiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit like watching Jurassic Park!!

I don’t know if I was too close, or if I’d had too much wine, or if the tv was too big, or if this seasons contestants are too fat but halfway through I was like “is that a Brontosaurus?!”

No offense to my full figured fans but that shit was scarier than seeing 70 year old Kim Cattrall on that big screen…

6. And finally…..Tyra

My boss’ wife’s name is Tyra. A white girl named Tyra. It’s all I can do to not pose every time I answer the phone and she’s on the other line.

Sex and the DVD September 23, 2008

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So did you guys hear? Sex and the City: The Movie came out on DVD today!!!
So obviously I’ll be having a watching party tonight. And also, to honor my favorite lady, I would like to share with you some of my favorite Carrie looks throughout the seasons

1. The Flower

Oh, how I love the flower! She rocked this shit way back in Season 3 and then made sure to bring it back in the movie…in a BIG way.

2. Von Muffling/Fine Wedding

During Season 5, it was interesting to see the way they hid Sarah Jessica’s pregnancy. All season long, they just got it wrong and the outfits got worse and worse. At the height of her bigness though, they brought out this gorgeous House of Field’s “Bubble dress”for Mitzy and Bobby’s wedding. The hair is a little J.Lo circa 2001, but that was popular back then.

3. Odd Combinations

Carrie has had some very odd combinations over the years, and this fanny pack mother trucker of an outfit is no exception. But for me, combined with the skirt, the straight hair, and the beret–the outfit works. Or maybe I just like this scene.

4. “Just don’t let him kiss you”

Who could forget this scene? Carrie and Big meet at the BoatHouse in Central Park, he leans in to brush her hair away, she thinks he’s going to kiss her, and they both fall in the gross water. The dress is on screen for only two minutes, max, but it’s long enough to leave an impression.

5. “And he was bad in bed!”

This outfit is bananas. The pockets, the combination with the pants and the heels, the big hair–I love it all. Plus this is one of my top 5 episodes. The day she got broken up with on a post-it, and the day she got arrested for smokin‘ a doobie….

6. One word: Prada

Even though Berger is an ass in this scene, wearing the “fabulous shirt” from Prada, Carrie looks amazing with the straight hair and the long Prada dress. If only the motorcycle helmet didn’t mess it up so much. “You SAID you weren’t going to go fast!!”

7. A “Vogue” idea

After Carrie and Aidan break up, she makes a drastic decision to cut her hair short and with it, starts working freelance at Vogue. Because of this we get to see many of Carrie’s “professional” outfits, including this Vivienne Westwood suit. Rockin the pinstripes, rockin the hair, rockin‘ the Carrie nameplate, and that broach is shutting it down.

8. The TuTu!

Brought back in the movie, the Tutu has played a very special part in the opening credits. I don’t know what occasion Carrie would EVER wear this too, but I happen to love it.

9. “Hello Lover”

On Carrie’s last date with Big, she needed an outfit and a pair of shoes that would blow him away. This Michael Kors dress and Christian Louboutin’s did just that–too bad Miranda’s baby got in the way. Those Louboutin’s will never be the same….

10. Only in Paris…

…could Carrie get away with wearing this Versace couture dress. Too bad no one ever got a chance to see it as the Russian was late, Carrie fell asleep, and that was that. And f’real–how the hell did she get this in her suitcase?

11. Dude Looks Like a Lady…or is that Samantha?

In another great outfit from the movie, this one didn’t get much screen time, but it’s an outfit that stuck out to me. Between the tie, the pants, and the vest…the hatbox….I love it all!

12. Watch Your Step

Who could forget this amazing episode, and this amazing outfit? Between the Dolce and Gabanna jacket (“Dolce and Gabanna picked me?! Yes, fuckette!”) and the Manolo Blahnik shoes, this outfit is completely trannyriffic, but completely fabulous too.

As we can see, Carrie has had some fantastic outfits. Sure, she’s had some clunkers too, but we try to forget about those. As far as my least favorite Carrie outfit?

I mean, WHAT is this all about?

So tell me—what were your favorite SATC Carrie outfits? Leave me a comment and let me know!

Cute Overload September 23, 2008

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In an attempt to overcome the HELL that is Tuesday (Tuesday is the new Monday) I offer to you these cute pictures.
Me and a child–PRECIOUS!!

A baby lion sticking his tounge out! I want one!!

I came out of my room and she was sitting ON the remote. ADORABLE!!

Sleeping dog!! CUTE!

A post like this one may not take much effort, but what it gives back to YOU is priceless.

A Gift September 22, 2008

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My friend Jeremiah sent this to me, and I couldn’t resist sharing.

Happy Fall!

How Do You Measure, Measure a Year? September 22, 2008

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It was one year ago today when I got off that plane at JFK with my two suitcases, $400 in my pocket, and a dream in my heart. That’s right, ya’ll—it’s my one year anniversary of living in New York!!! And what better way to celebrate than with job security (for the time being)!! It was announced this morning that the Barclay’s Capital deal is finally official and we all officially have jobs. It was a hell of a week but we made it through and this Monday is definitely less stressful than last Monday. So huzzah, I say. It has been a crazy year. I wonder sometimes if I’ve changed. I think that it’s impossible to live in New York for a year and to not have it change you. But I think that if I have changed, it’s for the better. I have learned a LOT this past year, about myself, about my friends, and about my city. My friendships have changed and evolved, mostly for the better, and I’ve reconnected with people from my past that I’m so lucky to have as a part of my life. I’ve dated some fantastic people while living here, and some not so fantastic people and I’m still optimistic that love can happen in my life. I find myself falling more and more in love with the city and look forward to the fact that the exploration never ends.

I’ve been asked what my “Oh my God, I live in New York” moment was. And I’ve had a bunch, but the one that sticks out the most to me just barely happened in May. It was right after the midnight showing of “Sex and the City.” I had seen this fantastic movie, with my best friend, and I had seen it in the city that is “the City.” I was walking home, it was a warm and breezy night, it was 3 am, and I was surrounded by people–at 3 am, no less. I remember just looking up at the sky, seeing the moon, and I started to cry a little bit. I couldn’t believe that I had made it happen and that I really was living in New York. Does it feel like “home” yet? Not really. It still feels like I’m on this wild ride and let me tell you–this city is a bitch sometimes. But it’s also a gift that keeps on giving. I’ve had some pretty amazing moments in the past year–I’d like to share them with you….now.

September 2007: While walking home from my first New York interview, I happened to walk by the set of “Sex and the City: The Movie.” It was so crazy walking and then just seeing Sarah Jessica Parker shooting a scene. I swear my heart stopped. September was also special since it was the month I met Jamie Jamie Moore. What started out very Storybook like didn’t end that way, but I’m happy he’s in my life and continues to be someone I know will be there for me if I need him.

October 2007: Jamie occupied much of my October and it was great being with someone who could show me the ways of the city. My favorite moment of October was the RANDOM ass Halloween party I went to with BFF and Kiwi Katie. We were under the impression that it was a masquerade ball, but when we showed up it just ended up being like any other costume party. So here we were with these weird masks on

And everyone was like “uh…..what are you?” There were naked old guys walking around, and weird performance art taking place in the hallway….it was so, so, so random and makes me laugh thinking about it.

November 2007: November included me meeting John Mayer, living at Anthony Rapp’s house, The Out 100 party, trips to CT, an amazing Thanksgiving dinner with BFF’s family, and the greatest birthday gift ever: meeting Kristen Bell.

Here’s hoping this birthday can live up to it…but I’ll be in Utah for Taylor’s wedding on my actual birthday so let’s celebrate it on a different day, whatdya say?

December 2007: My favorite part about December was finally moving in to my first New York apartment. Granted my roommate was less than desirable and there were a few unexpected surprises when I moved in but I was “home.” My dad took a road trip with me to help me move in and that was by far my favorite part of the whole experience. He had I had never done something like that, so it was really special to me.

January 2008: After a dreamy New Years Eve, the rest of the month didn’t go so great with the guy I was dating at the time. But the best part about January was being introduced to my winter obsession: Xanadu!!

It’s with a heavy heart I announce to you that it’s closing on October 12. It had a good run, and is such a funny show. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to see many musicals while living here, and some of them multiple times–Xanadu being one of them. I loved being able to take BFF and Page Six to see this show.

February 2008: Feb. included drama with the crazy roommate, and visits from Kelly Kapowski, Taylor, and Kula. It’s so great to live in a city where people are willing to come visit you. I have a feeling it’d be a bit different if I lived in Nebraska. Not that there’s anything wrong with Nebraska…I just don’t want to visit there. I was also lucky enough to go to the Spice Girls concert in February…where I met my archenemy Cruz Beckham. He better watch his back, I swear….

March 2008: March brought many viewings of “In the Heights,” lots of gay football madness, and BFF’s and Kaka Kido’s birthday extravaganza’s.

April 2008: In April I went to visit DC Doug and had one of the most perfect weekends ever. We seriously had so much fun together and it makes me sad that he and I don’t talk that much anymore. I know we’ve both got things going on but that’s one thing that I really miss about my old life. New York is great, but it’s hard when you’re not friends with your friends anymore. April also had some great blog posts. Seriously, ya’ll, check out those archives. There’s some amazing shit.

May 2008: May was a big month–Alanis album, Sex and the City, visits to DC, and many Musical Monday occurrences. Musical Monday’s get me in trouble but it was also where I met my husband, so I owe them one!

June 2008: I went to visit my family in June, for my baby sister’s high school graduation. It was an odd feeling being back in Ohio during the summer, as the last time I was there in the summer it was right before moving to New York. June also had some fantastic moments–like seeing the Philharmonic in the park, The Tony awards, and the most romantic night of my life during Pride weekend.

July 2008: During July I got to hang out with the boys (Scott E and D, Steve, and Beaux) a lot and we had some fantastic game nights…that I really miss! I was probably more drunk the month of July than I was all year. We had some great times though. My favorite thing about July was our trip to Six Flags and attending the opening of [title of show].

Both events were seriously the most amazing time. I’ll never forget attending the [title of show] opening–it was such a surreal experience. It’s also with a heavy heart that I tell you [tos] is closing, also on October 12. It was a short run, but I feel so lucky to have been able to see this show. It seriously changed the way I look at my life creatively.

I’m also so lucky I was able to see this show multiple times and share the [tos] love with some dear friends.

August 2008: My least favorite part about August was breaking my finger playing dodgeball. The best part? Weekend trip to Long Island with the girls.

Combined with the other events of the weekend involving a cute boy, it was the most perfect weekend ever.

Clearly, I’ve had some amazing, fantastic, overwhelming, surreal, exciting events since moving to New York. I’m looking forward to many more fun times and many more years living here. I never would have survived this year without BFF. We’ve had our ups, and we have had some major downs, but through it all he’s been there and I would have DIED without him. D.I.E. I’ve met some great people, and I’ve met some douches, but the positive experiences I’ve had have absolutely outweighed the negative. My parents have also been so amazing through this whole time in my life. It’s so comforting knowing that they will always been there for me during my travels and that they are making baby steps each day towards accepting me for who I really am. A homo.

He He, I just wanted an excuse to post that picture again.

Thank you for your continued blog support, your friendship, and for reading BriTunes. Ya’ll come back soon now, ya hear?