BriTunes 2

Top 20 Moments of 2008 December 31, 2008

As you may have guessed by now, I’m back at work. Woo….hoo. It’s a snowy day here in New York and New Years Ever as well so I’m definitely feeling for those assholes who think it’s a cool idea to stand out in Times Square in the freezing cold. Just tell me where the alcohol and homos will be, and I’m there. I’ve got a few plans for tonight that are sure to include both and I’m excited to see the NYC folks again after a great holiday. Family time in Ohio was really great. Santa was good to me, I drank like a fish, and got lots of kisses from my dog. A more thorough recap will come once I get pictures but for now I present to you the Top 20 Moments of 2008.

Upon first thought, 2008 was a bust. Bankruptcies, breakups, breakdowns–so much drama happened. I felt like I got a true handle on how New York works and am looking forward to entering 2009 with a fresh prospective and a new insight. When I first thought about this list, I automatically assumed I would be struggling to find 10 great moments. Then I went through the blog, randomly writing down moments that I remembered fondly and my list was almost 45 by the end of the year. It was then that I switched my thinking on 2008 and forced myself to focus on the positive moments and items that came out of the year. So while, yes, there were many bummers, there were also so many great times. It was hard for me to pare the list down, but here it is!

#20. September 26, 2008 – Alanis Morissette Concert at Radio City Music Hall

Yes, I went by myself. And yes, I pretty much knew the setlist going in. But it had been years since I’d seen a full length Alanis concert and I was so stoked to see her at an amazing venue. Alanis popped my concert cherry back in ’98 and also popped my Radio City Music Hall cherry. She’s just a little cherry popper, she is!

#19. September 20, 2008 – Scott Evans’ Birthday Scavenger Hunt

Scott’s birthday was just a fantastic group of people, a fun activity, and introduced me to some of my favorite people in New York. Our team was, obviously, the best. We all got so into it and had such a fun time. Go Team Yellow!!!!

#18 July 17, 2008 – [title of show] Opening Night

If you had told me a year ago that I would be attending the opening night of a Broadway musical with Anthony Rapp, I would have said you were crazy. Possibly “fruckin‘ crazy.” Cut to me attending the opening night of a Broadway musical with Anthony Rapp and my mind explodes a little bit. It was just a fantastic night full of star sightings, great theater, and surrealness. I also loved that I was able to sneak Spencer in for a bit of the afterparty. It was really fun pointing and whispering with him.

#17. August 30, 2008 – Labor Day in CT

I had some really great times in Connecticut this year, but none were as great as the times when we went boating. Sun, Fun, and Rum Punch–how does it get better than that?! Labor Day was an especially fun time in CT. Spencer and my’s friend Matt came out with us and the three of us had such a blast hanging out, singing, tubing, and NOT getting stung by jellyfish. Obviously, any opportunity I can get to hang out with my buddy Jack is awesome. That night, after boating, we went back to the house, played gin rummy, and put on awesome coats.

#16. November 14, 2008 – Out 100

Any opportunity I have to dress up, I’ve discovered, is a great one. This night was filled with cute boys, free drinks, and fun. Page Six got me in, I was able to hang out with my boys, and I looked fantastic. Such a contrast from the year prior!!

#15. November 27, 2008 – Spanksgiving

Some of the best food I have EVER tasted occurred at this special Thanksgiving. Since I wasn’t able to go home, I was fortunate enough to spend Turkey Day with some of my dearest loves. Tons of booze, tons of Wii, and three naps equals a successful Spanksgiving ’08!!

#14. May 29, 2008, 12:00am – First Showing of “Sex and the City”

While not lucky enough to attend the actual premiere of the movie (Danny DeVito broke up with me three months too early), Spenc and I did grab opening night tickets. I grabbed my Sour Patch Kids, and we settled into our seats an hour and a half before the movie started. Upon that first viewing, the movie was everything I wanted it to be. Multiple viewings later I am able to spot many flaws (damn you, Jennifer Hudson!) but I still feel like the movie captures the essence and magic of the TV Show. Walking home from that movie, on the warm May night at 3am, was one of my favorite moments ever!

#13. Multiple Nights Since September – RUDY’S

Would have ever thought that a Pig, Duct Taped booths, bad music, and cheap beer could equal so many good times?!?!

#12. April 4, 2008 – Slapping a Bitch Up

There was a time back in April when Spencer and I would go out practically every Friday night. This one particular time, we were in a cab coming back uptown from the LES. It was 3am, we had been drinking heavily, and were looking forward to hitting Ray’s Pizza for a little late night snack. For whatever reason, the one of us slapped the other. Then we started cracking up. Then I slapped him. We cracked up. He slapped me. Cracked up. The entire cab ride we were just slapping each other as hard as we could and then laughing harder then I’ve ever laughed.

Honorable “Hardest I’ve Ever Laughed” Mention”: Watching “Wipeout” drunk at Scott Evans’ house. I honestly could not breathe I was laughing so hard.

#11. November 18 – 20, 2008 – Visit to Utah

I miss my Utah friends very much, so I was extra lucky I was able to see so many of them when I went back over my birthday for Kristen’s wedding. Sushi, karaoke, and puking rabbits–I have so many great memories from a simple three day trip. I was also so blessed that my brother was willing to drive out from Colorado to hang out with me for a day or so. Any opportunity that PBahr and I have to hang out is an awesome one. We have so much fun together, even though we’re so different. It’s great to have a brother that rocks. Side Note: Heidi is not in the picture, but I stayed with her and I love her very much. I just know she would have wanted me to put that out there.

#10. June 24, 2008 – Philharmonic in Central Park

I said it at the time and I stick with my original statement – it truly was a “magical New York movie moment.” The stars all aligned this night. It was great weather, I was with great friends, we had great food ( I remember I could NOT stop eating) and we were at a really cool event. I really loved my life that night!

(Shout out to my old Sprint phone. R.I.P.!)

#9. November 21, 2008 – Birthday Karaoke Party

I was lucky enough to attend two Birthday karaoke parties this year, and I loved them both equally. I’m giving the New York party a shout out though, because so many people came that I did not expect to come. My dodgeball boys, Team Yellow, Kaka and my’s friends, work friends, it was just a fantastic mix of people and I felt really loved in that small room under that Japanese restaurant. I also loved that people who normally would never get up and sing (i.e. Page Six) sang me birthday tributes (i.e. “Shoop“). That night was also special because I met Boston later that night which was, at the time, a great thing. How little I knew then, How Little I Knew!!! Run away Brian, Run away!! Don’t invest your time or energy!! Ahem. Excuse me for that little outburst. On with the list.

#8. May 12, 2008 – Musical Mondays with Steve and Scott

I had been to Musical Monday’s once or twice before, but no time was as special as the time I met my Husband and really got to hang out with Scott. For whatever reason, that night was one of the greatest ever. I was with Spencer and my roomie, we met awesome, fun guys, and sang our asses off. I have such fond memories of that night and have yet to replicate it since–Defying Gravity just isn’t the same if you’re not standing on a chair in a crowded bar!

# 7. November 4, 2008 – That’s “President” Obama to you!

In addition to seeing Patti LuPone in “Gypsy,” this was another time this year I felt like part of history. Page Six and I went out to dinner, started drinking, and then watched as state after state turned into blue and into Obama’s favor. Walking home from his apartment after and seeing all the people in the street shouting and cheering was a really cool moment and one that I will not forget any time soon.

#6. August 24, 2008 – Playing X-Men: Legends with Hubby and Scott D

Nerdy? Sure. Time waster? Perhaps. More fun than you can shake a stick at? You bet your ass!!!! I remember this day so clearly, and it was SO MUCH FUN! I was staying at Ant Rapp’s the night before and went over to Hubby’s apartment later in the day to hang out. We started playing X-Men: Legends and 8 hours later I find myself going home. Scott D came over to join us and the three of us were drinking, eating, laughing, and playing an X-Men video game. SUCH a fun time!!

#5 June/December – Drunk Times with Family

The Bahr’s are a special breed. And one of the things I find most special about the Bahr’s is that they like to drink. A lot. Like fish, if you will. And I love that. So you can imagine the fun times I’ve had with them these past two vacations eating, drinking, playing cards and games, and laughing our asses off. When I was in Ohio over Christmas, Pat imbibed in the alcohmahol a bit more than he has…well…ever, and it was so special to me. It was the greatest Christmas present he could have ever given me!

#4. July 26, 2008 – Four Fags at Six Flags

Still one of the greatest ideas of ’08, Hubby/Vinny/Spenc and I went to Six Flags on a beautiful Saturday in July. We had so much fun skipping lines, eating trashy Carni food, and wearing our capes. It was the perfect day….until Dr. Mikes’ car started breaking down the minute we got back into the city. Except for that–perfect day!!!

#3 April 11 – 13/ May 30 – June 1 – DC DOUG!!!

Even though Doug has YET to come to New York to vist me and Spencer, I’ve made the trek down there twice and Spencer has made it down once. And both times were amazing, fun, and wonderful. Doug has himself a great little set up down there in Washington DC and it was really cool see his work, see where he grocery shops, see where he hangs out. I miss Doug something fierce and even though he may possibly NEVER COME TO NEW YORK, my love for him shall never face and my visits down to DC shall continue.

This girl is dear to my heart. We asked this lady to take our picture and her daughter jumped in the picture. The mom was all “Shaquandalisha, get out of the picture!” but we were happy to have her join us. Please note the the blue hair and the amazing smile. Sigh. I love her.

# 2. February, July, October – Visits to New York!

I’m very lucky that I live in a place that people want to come visit and not like, South Dakota or something. Who lives in S.D., anyway? This year I had many people near and dear to my heart come visit and each visit was special in its own way. So a huge shout out and ‘thank you’ goes out to:

*My Parents and Melissa

*Kelly

*Laurie and Mike

*Bob and his hot work associate

*And a VERY special shout out goes to Kristen Taylor

She came out twice this year and I was able to go to Utah for her wedding. I feel so thankful and blessed that I was able to see some of my favorite people three times this year.

And now….my number 1 moment of 2008…..

#1. August 22-24 – SPRING BREAK LONG ISLAND!!!!

It literally was the most perfect weekend of my life. It started the Friday before with Spencer, Hubby, and Scott D and I playing Flip Cup and Beer Pong with 66 beers. D-RUNK. I had the most amazing morning, then met up with Spenc and Matt and we traveled out to Kristina’s parent’s house in Long Island. The combination of the booze, food, and friends just led to a weekend I will never, ever forget.

Honorable Mention of the Year: Michael Phelps

So wow, what a year. Resolutions? None that I haven’t already been working on. Simplifying my life and cutting out the drama. Oh, and getting back into my gym routine. I’ve seriously been slacking the past few months. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go get Chipotle and sit on my couch before I go out and party.

Don’t give me shit–It’s not January 1st yet–my resolutions will start tomorrow. Happy New Year!!!!

I Never Thought This Day Would Come December 31, 2008

You all know what this means, don’t you? He’s 18!!! Legal!!! I’m coming David, wait for me! Here’s to hoping that Jeremiah doesn’t get there first! Happy Belated Birthday, David!

Spotted…. December 25, 2008

Spotted at Christmas Eve mass in Ohio…..

Really, really off-key singers who couldn’t get through “Silent Night” if their lives depended on it.

Random timpani’s going off during multiple songs.

A guy in front of me’s ass, which WOULD. NOT. QUIT.

My iPhone going off during the homily.

One impeccably dress man and his sister walking in late. Hey, I have to make an entrance what can I say?

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

My Grown Up Christmas List December 23, 2008

With only a few hours left of work before my Christmas Holiday, I find myself reflecting on….screw that–my bitch ass is ANTSY!! Seriously, I feel like a child on Christmas morning with presents in front of me and I can’t open them. I fly out to Oh-hee-O this afternoon and I done be excited! I can’t wait to pour a glass of wine, cuddle up in front of the fire with my dog, and RELAX.

Due to the fact that Christmas Eve is tomorrow, I would like to present a few favorites of mine from past Christmases and a few things that I would like.

1. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story

You can’t have Christmas without these two movies. Ever since I was a kid, Christmas Vacation has been a staple in our family. You’d be hard pressed to find a funnier Christmas movie. Between Aunt Bethany, the squirrel, Uncle Eddie, the cat exploding, the early 90’s fashions, the horrible turkey–it has every hilarious holiday calamity that has happened to pretty much everyone’s family at one point or another. I think my family likes it so much because we’re almost as tragic as the Griswolds are.

Another classic that we all love is A Christmas Story. I remember thinking how scandalous it was when I was a kid. The leg lamp! The swearing! Scandal! Also, was anyone else as terrified of the red head kid as I was?

Frightening.

2. All I Want For Christmas Is You

Arguably the best Christmas song EVER, this song holds a very special in my heart. It is my mom’s favorite Christmas song and whenever it plays on the annual Christmas cd, she drops whatever she’s doing and does the most adorable (okay, awkward and rhythm-less) dance in the living room. Picture Elaine, from Seinfeld’s dance.

BarbBahr knows how to get down! Makes me think of her every time I hear the song.

3. Peppermint Kandy Kids

Speaking of dancing….

…Frosty the Snowman!!! I don’t remember what year I got this album, but when my brother and I were little kids we couldn’t wait for Christmas if only to play this record over and over and over again. It has the most ridonkulous songs on there but we didn’t care. We would dance all over the living room but it was more like running in circles. My parents’ record player is broken so I haven’t heard the album in a few years but when I do again, you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be “dancing” all around the living room just like I was 8 years old again!

4. Bow Ties

If you’re looking for gifts to give me, I want bow ties. I’ve decided that I’m going to bring the bow tie back. “Back where?” said Maria Conchita Alonzo. “Just back,” I replied. “As I’m bringing Sexy Back, I will also bring back the bow tie.” It’s classic, it’s a little nerdy, it’s ’09.

5. Popples

Who remembers Popples?! When I was a kid I had an Orange one….but don’t remember his (or her) name. I would carry that thing with me everywhere! I wonder where he (or she) went. While completely irrelevant to Christmas, my popple is one of my favorite memories of the past.

6. The Night Before Christmas

Every Christmas Eve, we can’t go to bed until we read this book. Each year we would take turns reading it but of course because I liked being theatrical, I would also want to read it. Some years I would be funny, the year I was learning dialects in school I read it in a British accent, it always varied. When Pat and Melissa learned to read, I had to share, which was a bummer. My favorite memory of this book was a year we were living in Michigan and my grandparents were visiting for the holidays. My grandfather is one of the greatest people I know and I remember him reading this book vividly. He was so funny (in the way only grandpa’s can be) and we were all on the edge of our seats to see what joke he would make next while reading it. I will happily give up my turn any year to have Grandpa read the book.

7. Abs.

I would like abs this year. It almost happened during Phelps time, but then I started eating again. As ’09 is the year of the bow tie, it will also be the year of the ab–mark my words.

8. Eggnog

Really bad for you. Kind of expensive. Gross when you think about what it is. But DELICIOUS! The only thing I could be describing is EGG NOG! Okay…I could really be describing many, many things. But egg nog also works in that category. When I was little my mom would only buy one carton the entire Christmas season, saying it was too expensive. And she done be right! How in the world can someone charge five bucks for that shit? Crazy. Note to all my fat girls out there—vanilla bean ice cream. Chocolate sauce. Egg Nog on top? Delicious.

9. Cheetara

When I was a kid, I loved Thundercats. LURVED! And my favorite was Cheetara. I played with her all the time. Even after homegirl’s head fell off, I still played with her. Remember how I said Miss Piggy turned me into a big ‘mo? Cheetara may also have contributed to that. Still nothing to do with Christmas, but a fond memory of mine all the same.

10. Brit Brit

Speaking of trannies….

..Britney is going on tour!! I will NOT miss this, but have yet to get tickets. So for Christmas I’d like Britney tickets. Thanks Santa!!

11. O Christmas Tree…

Something I love about my family is that every year we would go to a Christmas tree farm, cut down our own tree, then bring it home and decorate it. Something my parents instilled in me is a sense of tradition. I get a little annoying with it though, because I want to help decorate the tree and have Santa come even as a 20 hmmrmr.a.dfal year old. This is the first year that we aren’t going to open presents on Christmas Eve and have Santa come Christmas morning and I’m having a small, but manageable, panic attack about it.

One of the biggest fights in the Bahr household occurred over who would open the Advent calendar every day. The chocolate was gross (and not really appropriate at 7:30 am) but I loved seeing what was under that little day! Advent calendars really helped me get in the Christmas mood as a kid.

13. Rock Band

I really want Rock Band for Christmas. But I’ll need an XBox first. Thanks, Santa!

14. Christmas Candy
Every year my mom would make Christmas candy for all of our teachers and neighbors and I loved it!! What is funny, is that the candy didn’t really have any flavor and was more of a hassle than anything, but she stuck with it. Moms are really great sometimes when you think about all of the things that they do to make the holiday season extra special for kids. My mom, especially, has gone above and beyond to make every year special. Even the year the gave me pencils.

Pre haircut? Gross. Post haircut? Now this is something I can work with!!!! I’d like this haircut and this man for Christmas. Thanks, Santa!

16. Snowboard

When I was 14 I got a plastic snowboard for Christmas. I cried. My parents tried and tried for me to be athletic when all I wanted was dance lessons. “When will they learn?” I thought. Bless their hearts for trying, it just wasn’t meant to be. Until I became a ‘mo and discovered the pressure that comes with it to be thin. So really with this scenario, we both win.

Merry Christmas everyone, and happy holidays (for my Jewish and Kwanzo peeps). I hope that Santa is good to you and that the travels are safe!

Monday Photo Bonanza!!!! December 22, 2008

Hi everyone, sorry I’m a bit late with getting the blog post up today. I took the morning off to start packing and finish up some last minute shopping and…well…neither really happened. I leave for Ohio tomorrow afternoon so I’ve got just over 24 hours to do 48 hours worth of stuff. I say that because, well, I’m the worst packer in the history of the world. Seriously. I take way too long, I pack way too many outfits (I need options!) and nothing ever seems to fit the way I want it to. Hopefully things will go smoothly. Obviously with the holidays blog posts will be a little less frequent but keep checking in because I’m sure I’ll have some down time out there in Ohio. And make sure to come back on December 31st for the Top 10 Moments of the year on BriTunes.

Well, as you may know by now (it’s almost 3:30…I hope you know by now), it’s Monday, and you know what that means—Photo Bonanza!!! There have been many parties and holiday events lately so that equals many photo ops! We start a few weeks ago with my dear friend Christina’s last day at work and a trip to Rudy’s.

Sexy Prom!!! The pitchers were flowing and of course, hilarity ensued. For some reason, when the song “Eye of the Tiger” came on, Chris and I wanted to pretend like we were in “Rocky” and decided to reenact some scenes from the movie.

Mama….

Gon’ Knock…

…You Out!!!

Well of course I thought this was hilarious and couldn’t keep a straight face for very long. He He. Straight face. Pun.

I love the guy in the background. Who gave him permission to be in our picture?!

After playing boxer for a bit, I decided to get back to my real calling in life–modeling.

That’s a Lands End catalog shot if I ever saw one!

A few nights later we had the Ugly Sweater party at Lisa and Rachel’s place. Dara, Dr. Mike, and Bridget ended up looking cute but the rest of our sweaters needed some help!

Nice pose, Yasi.

Matty forewent the fedora for this party and instead rolled in with some hot rapist glasses on.

Kido, of course, looked impeccable. I decided to try on the rapist glasses later but I ended up looking more like the Old Navy lady than a rapist.

Throw in a little Sharon Gless….

And you’ve got Brian.

“I’m giving you BROKEN DOLL!!”

I decided to go with the ice skater vibe with my ugly sweater. Mock turtleneck, bright red, jewels…..it’s ugly sweater time bitches.

See what I mean about Bridget? It’s a little seventh grade American Eagle, but she looks adorable!

Yasi also looked adorable, but in an entirely different meaning of the world. Here we are dancing to the one of many Britney songs played that evening.

Page Six had an exceptionally ugly sweater. Seriously, that shit was nasty. He ended up working it though.

Kaka Kido and I….well….we’re kind of amazing together. Here I am, for whatever reason, singing to her boob. I….um….yeah. I don’t know.

On Saturday Beaux and Scotty held a “hos and hotties” party. Beer Pong, Kidz Only station on Direct TV, and many homos later I drug my tired ass home in the wee hours of the morning. But not without posing for a picture first.

There’s really no point to this picture except to A) Show you that I was indeed in attendance and B) I had an ADORABLE outfit on. Seriously. I was shutting it down.

Last night was Spring Break Long Island part 2, this time being held in Queens. Poulous is always the most gracious hostess and last night was NO exception. In addition to the treats we had in LI back in August (Heinekin, Heroes, VODKA SAUCE) she also catered in Sushi. Anyone who has sushi at a holiday party is okay in my book!!! A group of us posed for a picture that ended up looking like a cracked out family portrait more than anything.

It’s a little Adams Family, isn’t it?

Kido is Morticia, Matt is the dad (what was his name again?), Yasi is Wednesday, Andrea is Uncle Fester, Mo is Pugsly, and I’m Lurch with my tall ass towering above everyone. Seriously. I look freakishly tall. And Mo and Andrea, obviously you don’t LOOK like Fester and Pugsly….I just ran out of girls. Sorry.
My greatest new obsession is Rock Band, so you can imagine my excitement when I walked in the house and saw it sitting there!!! Well, of course I lobbied for a little Rock Band to happen and lucky for me it did!

Yasi and Andrea couldn’t be bothered to stand up to play the geetar. Maybe THAT’S why they were so bad at it?! OH!! SNAP!!

Yeah…I’m not much better.

The ride home from Spring Break is always a blast. Last time it was drinking beer on the LIRR, this time it was pasta on the N train. Oh yes. Pasta. With vodka sauce. Kristina made sure I got some leftovers and I couldn’t wait all the way home to start eating it.

I love Bridget looking on longingly. Bitch, please. Don’t pretend like you didn’t help me out with eating it!!

Such a great weekend, and I’m really looking forward to my trip home. Page Six is being SUCH a great help and taking care of the kittens while Dr. Mike and I are gone. If he’s lucky, he’ll be able to catch them doing crazy cute things like this!

I don’t know what they were looking at out the window, but they sure were adorable! And kinda freaky standing on their front legs….but mostly adorable!

Gosselins Gone Wild December 19, 2008

Yesterday while talking to my sister, I remarked how funny it would be to see the kids from Jon + Kate + 8 in fifteen years, to see what they would be up to. Who would be happily married? Who would have a successful career? Who would be dead? There are so many great and funny scenarios, but the funniest would have to be……Gosselins Gone Wild.

Mady

I’d love to say that Mady is misunderstood, that she has a brother/sister complex, that she has a hard life but really….Mady’s just a C U Next Tuesday. I’m sorry, but she is. She’s also pretty much me at age 8…or any age, really. Storming out of rooms, refusing to participate, pouting–she’s the pits, really. So Mady at age 23 is sure to be a scary sight. I’m predicting this:

Coked out, schizo, freaky stripper. You know she’ll have a few kids somewhere, probably with multiple baby daddies, and she’ll be estranged from the whole family. Please, she’ll probably run away from home at age 14, live in a shelter for a few years, then meet a nice man named Tyrone who will rough her around a bit “because he loves her.” You better change your ways, Mady G!

Hannah

Oh Hannah. Lovable and nurturing, Hannah is the “mother” of the kids. And we all know what happens to the mothering and nurturing ones, now don’t we?

Yup! Fat girl, here you come! Now put down that spoon and pick up some weights! No! Hannah, don’t pick up the…don’t pick up….

Oh boy.

Aaden

“The Professor,” as everyone calls him, like there’s really any question as to what Aaden is going to turn out to be.

I’m sorry little man, but you’re not getting laid until you’re 38. At least. If ever. Them’s be the breaks kid!

Alexis

The J+ K + 8 website describes Alexis as a “happy child who loves to laugh.” There’s really only one way that Alexis can end up:

Hemp necklace? Dreadlocks? Long sleeved T? Uh oh…..looks like a bi-sexual experience while high is in store for someone pretty soon!! Get ready Gosselins, you’re going to be hearing a lot of Bob Marley coming from Lexi’s room with odd smells sneaking out from under the door.

Joel

Joel is daddy’s little buddy. I love his cute little lisp and the glazed over stare he gives when he’s in trouble. The website says that he “keeps to himself and flys under the radar a lot.” We all know what that means….

Oh no…please….no…please don’t tell me what I think you’re….no…..

Oh. Joel. My. You…um….you look a little different….um……I hope Jon doesn’t see……um……wow. Pretty girl, pretty girl….

Cara

Cara is the oldest and is described as ” sweet, friendly, and girly.” She really is the most well-adjusted of the whole bunch but I can’t help but think that she’s really just going to take after her mother and have a bunch of kids. And when I say “a bunch of kids” well, I’m not kidding.

Cara!!! Noooo!!! TLC is never going to be rid of your family, are they? Because we all know that you’re going to just continue the tradition: “Jon and Kate Plus 8 Part 2: Cara’s Turn.”

Colin

Colin’s the shit. Clearly the cutest, the most stubborn, the toughest, you know he’ll grow up to be awesome. He’ll have all the ladies, he’ll be a good student, and probably Homecoming King two or three times.

Welcome to your future, Colin. And congrats! You made it out unscath……oh…wait….this is Colin at age 19, in fifteen years. One year later he joins a Frat House in college and….

…so close.

Leah

The smallest girl, Leah…well…she’s kind of forgettable. Which is ironic because she’s totally going to turn into the high school ho. She’ll be totally pop pop pop popular. She and Colin will be partners in crime. She’ll definitely hit rock bottom but will bounce back after a battle with

Hey. Don’t judge. You know one of them had to deal with it. It’s really just a call for attention. We’re rooting for you Leah! Don’t turn into a Mady!

Jon

Well…you did your best Jon. R.I.P.!!!

And finally…….

Kate

Oh Kate……well…..this bitch’ll outlive us all. But eternal mortality does come with consequences.

Because you know raising eight kids done drove a bitch crazy!!! Lexi, Cara, Colin, and maybe Joel will visit her in the loony bin but you know everyone will just resent her for life.

So that’s what the G’s will be up to in…

“But Wait!” you exclaim. “What about Aunt Jody?!”

YEEEEEIKES! The years have not been kind….

Happy Birthday to…… December 19, 2008

My hubby, Jake Gyllenhaal! Happy birthday pook, can’t wait to celebrate tonight. Thank you for all the happiness you’ve brought me over the years!

It’s Time the Play the Music… December 18, 2008

Last night I had some options to consider. I could go out and be with friends, get drunk, and spend money OR…..I could go to the gym, stay in eating Spagghetio’s (with meatballs) and feel sorry for myself while watching “The Muppets: Letters to Santa.” Well, I implore you to try and figure out which one I did.

Go ahead, think about it, I’m giving you some time.

Do you have your answer? Think you’re right? Well….

You probably are!

Since I was a little kid, I have LURVED The Muppets. The one thing that always disappoints me, however, is that my favorites are always the characters that aren’t ever really featured. I mean sure–Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo…they’re fine, whatever, you know. But my faves aren’t usually in the spot light and in the past few Muppet specials, have barely been seen at all. Last night’s special, however, I got to see a bunch of my faves that I haven’t seen in a while and it made me laugh, made me cry, and really made me miss being 7 years old. And while watching it, I realized I have never sat down and figured out who my top ten Muppet characters are. So now, without further ado, I’d like to present to you my Top 11 Muppet characters. And yes, 11, because I couldn’t pick just 10.

11. Beauregard

My favorite moment with B-Dawg is in The Great Muppet Caper when he was the taxi driver and was driving all mad crazy everywhere. Then later on in the movie Kermit says they’re going to catch the thieves red handed and Bo goes “What color are their hands now?” Oh man, gets me everytime.

10. Scooter

Maybe it’s the specs, maybe it’s the adorable green track jacket, but I feel like I have a connection with Scooter. He was always in the background, but you knew he had a deep rooted friendship with the gang. My fondest memory of Scooter was when he would come on in the beginning of each Muppet Show episode and say “fifteen seconds to curtain!” Remember in Muppet Babies when he had that random sister Skeeter? I used to always be so confused as to where she came from. A bit of Skeeter trivia–she was voiced by Howie Mandel from 1984-1986. The more you know….. Anyway, loves me some Scooter.

9. Rizzo the Rat

My first memories of Rizzo aren’t from The Muppet Show, but instead from Muppets Take Manhattan. I remember loving how he was a waiter at Pete’s Diner and how his friends skated around on the pans with butter. Rizzo makes me laugh still with his sarcasm and New York attitude. Speaking of Muppets Take Manhattan, how much of a slut was Jenny? I remember always hating that bitch, trying to steal Kermit away from Piggy. I mean the nerve….

8. Dr. Teeth

I have a fond spot in my heart for Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Bigger than Paul Shafer and CBS Orchestra, bigger than The Max Weinberg Seven, even bigger than Kevin Eubanks, The Electric Mayhem was THE original House Band, with Dr. Teeth as their leader. One of my fondest memories of him was in The Great Muppet Caper when they were going out on the town in the giant double Decker bus and Dr. Teeth was leading the way, rocking out. Played by Jim Hensen, Dr. Teeth has sort of faded into the background since his death but it’s great to see him when he does come around.

7. Lew Zealand

Lew Zealand is the shit! He throws fish like it’s nobodies business and they always come back to him. My favorite memory of him is in Great Muppet Caper when the gang was needing to break into the galleria to save the Baseball Diamond, and they have no way to get down until Lew supplies them with paper towels. They all climb down the paper towels and into the galleria. Classic. I mean, who has paper towels just hanging around? Lew Zealand, that’s who. Fun trivia note–Lew was supposed to only appear in one episode of The Muppet Show and has since appeared in every Muppet motion picture and TV Special.

6. Beaker

Beaker, like Lew, is the shit. Always helping Dr. Bunson Honeydew cause disaster, always good for a joke. For some reason, the majority of my favorite Muppet moments are coming from Caper, even though Manhattan is my favorite Muppet movie. Anyway, best thing of Beaker is when he gets electrocuted in Caper. His eyes light up, his hair sticks straight up, the loud “meeeeeeep” comes from him—hilarious.

5. Swedish Chef

BORK BORK BORK!! Do you guys remember The Muppet Show episode when The Swedish Chef is going to make a Lobster, and all of a sudden the gang of lobsters show up in cowboy hats and wielding guns to save their friend from the pot? Ugh. Classic. There are SO MANY great Swedish Chef moments, it’s hard to pick just one. The character is absolutely ridiculous, and completely fantastic. Trivia note–on the show, the Chef’s hands are the performer’s real hands. It is only in publicity photos that they are Muppet hands.

4. Miss Piggy

I wish I could have Miss Piggy up higher on the list, because she is fabulous, but the top three really are my top three. I do believe, however, that Miss Piggy is what turned me into a gay man. She was the very first fag hag, as we alllll know someone like Miss Piggy. There are too many great moments of hers to name just one. The moment in Manhattan with Joan Rivers. Whenever she gets mad at Kermit she hits him with that giant “hiiiii–yah!” The bike riding scene in Caper. The dancing scene in Caper. Piiiiiigs In Spaaaaaaaace. I love it all. She is one hot diva.

3. Sweetums

I don’t know why I love Sweetums so much. I really don’t. He has had small roles in both the show and the movies. But I think I love him because he looks so scary, so menacing, but he’s just a big sweetie underneath. My favorite moment with him was in The Muppet Movie when he chased Kermit and Fozzie all over town. Or in The Great Muppet Caper when he fell in the pot hole and yelled out “hey a movie!” Lame, I know. But he cracks me up!

2. Animal

“Wo-man! Wo-man! Wo-man! Woman…” Animal is fruckin‘ awesome. My second favorite member of The Electric Mayhem, Animal is probably the most popular of the group. From eating his drums on the show to growing fifty feet tall in The Muppet Movie, Animal has consistently made laugh year after year. My most vivid memory of him (besides running down the aisle chasing the girl in Manhattan) is when he played the drums for Rita Moreno when she performed “Fever” on the show and he kept upping the tempo. Good times.

And my number 1 member of The Muppets is………

1. Janice!!

Oh Janice, what is it about you that I love so? For me she has the best one liners in all the Muppet universe. Take these two examples, for instance. In The Muppets Take Manhattan: “So I told him ‘Look, man, I don’t take my clothes off for anybody, even if it is artistic.’ Another example is in The Great Muppet Caper when everyone is talking and they quiet down and she says: “Look, Mother. It’s my life. OK. So if I want to live on a beach and walk around naked…” So perfect. She’s stylish, she’s artistic, she’s musical. She’s Just Janice.

So I’m curious to know–who are your favorite Muppet characters? Did I miss anyone? Or am I the only one who still, as a grown up, is in love with the Muppets?

I Came Up With a New Word… December 17, 2008

Upon performing a Google search of the word, however, I discovered that I did not, in fact, come up with the word “Fruckin.” I don’t know who did, but “fruckin” is alllll over that google search. You know, it really is amazing the things you discover when you Google search. Take “Jazz Hands,” for example. When I searched for Jazz Hands, I came across this gem:

There are so many amazing things happening in this picture, my head is about to explode. However, there is one special thing happening—can you notice it? Had me laughing for at least a good 34 seconds!

I’m Sorry. I Can’t. Don’t Hate Me. December 17, 2008

Carrie: Boy, do I have news!

Charlotte: Me too! I wanted to wait until we were all here but….last night I saw Harry, and he proposed!

Girls: Oh, honey, that’s amazing, that’s so great, blah blah blah.

Charlotte: Carrie, what was your news?

Carrie: Oh, uh, Berger broke up with me on a post-it.

Miranda: ……what?

Carrie: Uh-huh, read it and weep ladies.

Samantha: “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” Well, the motherfucker’s concise.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve been broken up with. Not on a post-it. Oh no, something equally as infuriating–a TEXT MESSAGE. I use the term “broken up with” loosely, as this particular person and I were never “together, together” but rather, all future romantic interactions with this person have been curtailed. Did this come out of left field? Sure. Am I disappointed? Absolutely, especially since I really liked this one. Am I blown away by the fact that I was broken up with via TEXT MESSAGE?! You bet your ass! Where’s the human decency here, people? What’s so funny is I would almost rather prefer the post-it, because in that instance the person had the kindness to write it out in their own hand writing and not simply type the letters into your key pad.

The fact that I WOKE UP to this text message (sent at 1:16 am) didn’t help matters. The best part of waking up should be Foldgers in your cup and not a break up text in your Inbox! And Amanda and Annette, I don’t want to hear that this was the same as when I wrote Kevin that email way back in Sophomore year. I did not break up with him in that email, I merely wrote him my concerns and he took it as a break up. So there. Anyway. Moving up and moving on…

Jon and Kate Plus 8.

It has been a little rough lately, a little boring, a little lame. Kate has gotten on my last nerve the past few episodes. But last night two things happened to renew my faith in J+K+8. First off, they visited the St. Jude Cancer Hospital in Memphis, TN. Something about seeing sick kids made me break down right there on my couch. This episode should be avoided at all costs if seeing sick kids make you cry.

The other part that I wanted to share with you I LOVED. So Alexis is talking to the camera about where they are going (to the St. Jude Hospital) and Hannah is standing next to her. For no reason whatsoever, Hannah just smacked her on the arm. Alexis gave her a look like “what the fuck bitch?” and then looked at the camera like this.

I was DYING!!!! She then says:

“I don’t know why her did that.” Ugh. She’s amazing. SO ADORABLE!!!!

Speaking of adorable, Kristen sent me a few more pictures from her wedding.

We were pretending I had just said something really funny. I hadn’t. I really love the look of the pictures though. Her photographer, Rebekah Westover (shout out to rebekahwestover.blogspot.com for the pictures) has this style that I love. She had a “photobooth” set up outside the banquet hall and everyone took funny pictures. There are three of me that I look HORRIBLE in, but this one has been approved for your viewing pleasure.

Last night Page Six and I went out for dinner to celebrate birthdays and Hanukkah and Christmas and we had SUCH a good time. Margs at Arriba are NEVER a let down. Anyway, as we were sitting there, watching the snow in the background and listening to Christmas music while sipping margs, four people came in to sit at the table next to us.

*Please note, these were not the exact people, I’m just trying to give you a visual image*

One…

…two, three…

…four.

Four little people in a row. I love little people, don’t get me wrong, but THAT’S hilarious! And they had all just been ice skating. Four little people isn’t a group of friends hanging out, it’s an army. It’s friggin Little People, Big World up in here and they’s about to take over! I wonder what would happen to them if they had one of the BIG margaritas from Arriba. Two words: Humpty. Dumpty.

In other news still, Heidi and Spencer eloped Monday on The Hills.

Best part about it? They did it while wasted on Patron. So gay people can’t marry, but Heidi and Spencer can elope. Wasted. On. Patron. It’s all good though, because Heidi and Spencer don’t just stand for marriage. They are marriage. They are love. They are….America.