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Monday Monotony January 31, 2011

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Did I really not blog at all last week?  Was the Bachelor recap really the one thing I could come up with?  Sheesh, I need to get on the ball!  In all honesty though, there wasn’t much to chat about.

*I went to a game night last week in which I  lost my team all of our points because I couldn’t remember the lyrics to an Ashlee Simpson song and I said ‘from’ instead of ‘in.’  An ASHLEE SIMPSON song!!!  I pride myself on my Ashlee knowledge!!  Really though, what can ya do.  We all make mistakes, right?

*I was made dinner on Wednesday by my lovely friend Esther.  I had thirds on this rice/lentil concoction she made.  It was heavenly.  She and I also polished off a magnum of wine ..problem?  What problem?

*It snowed on Wednesday night.  A lot.  “Snow Days” were abundent in all of New York.  Except for at my place of employment.  Yippee!!

*Drunk brunch Saturday resulted in quite the hangover on Sunday.  I was even told I looked “swollen.”  And the detox starts……now!

*Mini Dodgeball tournament starts tonight.  Due to the fact that no one wanted me on their team, I chose to bring together an assortment of lovely randoms and we are now known as ‘The Orphan Annies.’  The sun will come out tomorrow indeed.

*Today is Justin Timberlake’s birthday.  Let us gaze at the gorgeousness in honor.

He’s like a fine wine – only gets better with age.  NOW PUT OUT SOME NEW MUSIC, DAMMIT!!!!

That’s all I got!  I know, how horribly boring am I.  But the good news is that tomorrow….Bachelor Recap!!!

Bachelor Recap – Diving, Dr. Drew, and Divas January 25, 2011

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So it should probably be noted that I would never, ever be able to be a contestant on The Bachelor.  I am far too insecure and far too emotionally unstable to be fighting for a man’s attention.  I don’t fight for a man’s attention, he fights for mine.  Let that be known.  That being said….I’m allowed to make fun of these girls because THEY SIGNED UP FOR IT!!!  They knew exactly what they were getting when they filled out the application, and waivers, and went to interview after interview.  They wanted it, and they got it, so stop yer bellyachin ladies!!  Now then.

I gave Michelle a black eye.

Oh, you know I’m kidding I didn’t smack a bitch up.  Although if she keeps going the way she’s been going, I very well may.  BeckyJonTimmsThompson – dudes…..what am I not seeing?  Tell me this is just editing.  Tell me that because she’s an actress this is all an act cause ya’ll keep saying she’s a lovely person and I’m just like…yo.  Whoever gave her the black eye deserves a high five because she, like Mady Gosselin, is the pits.

Chris Harrison clearly has been reading this blog because the Technicolor Button Down didn’t make an appearance this week.

I know I, for one, am very sad about this fact.  Nice grandpa sweater though.

He gives the girls a date card and huzzah!  ChantalShawntelShentel gets the first one-on-one date!  Yippee do dah.  So Brad comes in and the girls clearly cared that he was there because they made sure they looked their best.

Busted.

Grenade.

UNRECOGNIZABLE.

The “Helicopter we use so much there should be a ‘Bachelor’ logo on the side” swoops down and picks them up to take them to their very exciting destination!  CATALINA DRESSING!  I mean…CATALINA ISLAND!

Hands.

If Brad said to me ‘we’re going to walk on the sea floor’ I would say to him ‘you can catch me a damn fish dinner and I will watch you while I sit on this boat and drink.’  I’m not getting in no spaceman suit and having sharks swim by my head.  Hells to the no.  Also, this ain’t the Bahamas – this is CATALINA ISLAND.  That’d be like someone saying ‘do you want to walk on the sea floor of the Hudson River?’

What the hell kind of weird sex toy is she wearing.

“Gee Brad, thanks so much for this date.  I love walking in dirty ass water.”

The only thing they saw was lots and lots of seaweed, Finding Nemo, and murky water.  Not exactly paradise. 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Michelle had a popsicle on her eye.

I can’t.

Back to the date.  Brad was saying to her how much fun he was having because he ‘wanted a date, wanted some time with you that was just like real life.  Just like it would be with just us.’

Bitch, run!!  Because ‘real life’ IS NOT LIKE THIS!!!  Trust me, you don’t get beds on the beach and fine wine and candles and roses.  You get Subway and American Idol.  Or in Brad’s case, whatever you made him for dinner and some televised sport.  So don’t get used to that girl, I’mma just sayin’.

For the group date, Brad thought it would be a really good idea to talk about feelings with hot Silver Fox Dr. Drew.

And he wore a really cute shirt.

So far so good, Brad!  Now, let’s get the girls liquored up so they’ll be extra loose and tell us whatever we want to know!


And what did we learn from this gab fest?  One girl has walls up, one girl cheated on an ex-boyfriend in college, and this girl ‘Likes’ Brad.

Well duh.  That’s why you’re here stupido. 

Now then…you know what happens during the evening at a group date, right?  HOT TUB TIME!!!! YAY!!!  Maybe we’ll see some obscenely large back tattoo!!!

Eek.  Honey.  Sit up straight.  No one wants to see your rolls.  This is “The Bachelor” not The Jersey Shore.  Recognize.  And why the hell is Brad wearing a sweatshirt in a hot tub?!  How dare he deprive us of his glorious back tattoo!!! 

Let’s check in and see what’s going on back at the ranch, shall we?

Ugh.  Back to the group date.

So the girl that told Brad she ‘liked him’ apparently has a name – Brit.  Seriously that’s a stupid name.  Whatever.  She and Brad had an awesome exchange that I would like to quote for you.

Brit:  “Really, it comes down to 2 people.”
Brad:  “Yeah, yeah it does.”
Brit:  “I have a crush on you.”
Brad:  “Come here to me…please”

And then he ate her face.

I only WISH I was joking about the way that this went down.  Love her heart earings, btw.  Wonder if she ordered those from the Delia’s catalog.

Some girls have a really hard time adjusting to the fact that Brad is dating a bunch of other girls in addition to her.  Stalker Queen Ashley is one of those girls.

Creeeeeeeeeeepyyyyy!!!!

Honestly, fivehead has some serious emotional issues.

More than once she made a big deal about how awful it was and how depressed she was and how much she was pulling back.  Dude.  That kind of talk will get your ass SENT HOME.  My favorite was when they were all in the hot tub (tit soup) and Brad was going to give out the rose and Ashley was like ‘ugh, I hate this.’  Let me repeat myself:  On a reality show like this, that kind of talk will get YOU SENT HOME.  Betta check it fast before you wreck it.

Next one-on-one date Michelle got.  Because apparently Brad wants to spend his time with awfulness.  Before the date though, Brad wanted to check in with emotional Ashely to see if she was okay.  Even though it was ‘Michelle’s day’ she was totally fine with this fact.

Oh wait.  No she wasn’t at all.  Typical Michelle.

Brad, being the awesome date picker he/the producers is, thought it would be a great idea to bring a girl who is afraid of heights in the Bachelor helicopter and then rappel down a building.  Secretly though, it looks like he got off a bit on her fear.

Of course she was acting, because she’s a wonderful actress, and they ended up making it down the building.

Sexiest.  Window Washers.  EVER!!!

ARGH!!!  Why does Brad always insist on jumping in the pool with his clothes on?! 

Why are you depriving us of your GLORIOUS BACK TATTOO?!??!!!

AHHHH!!!!  There it is!!!  All is well in the world again.

OMG, AND Brad titties?!  It’s like Christmas morning.

Okay now you’ve gone too far.  I don’t think I can handle the level of amazingness in the last three screen shots. 

Brad had a really, really good time on his date with Michelle.  Which worries me.

This ass hat is back.

Annnnnnd fast forward.

This ass hat is back too.

I’m very confused by Brad’s attraction to the funeral director.  She done be ril ugly.  She’s got crowmagnum forehead.  And she jumps into Brad’s arms which she wants to make her ‘thing.’  Ass hat. 

I have to say, as much as I can’t stand him (well, not all of him.  You know I love that tattoo and those man titties) Brad was really, really sweet with Emily.

Even though she didn’t get taken on a date this week he wanted to try and ‘recreate’ their vineyard date during the cocktail party just to let her know she was on his mind this week.  So cute!!!

Knowing the nature of the show, all the girls were okay with this.

Oh wait.  No they weren’t.  And yes, ChantelShawntalShentel did say that this moment was ‘hard for me and nobody else.’ *insert eye roll and head shake here*

Taste the rainbow.

And heeeeeere come the roses.  First of all I have to say…

Who?  There were two others that I said…’who?’ but truly I didn’t care enough to cap them.  If they mean that much to me, I can only imagine what they mean to Brad.

The last rose was given out and to that woman I say….

SKIN O’ YO TEETH GURL!!!!!! SKIN.  O’.  YO.  TEETH.

Stacy the bartender went home

but really with that eye makeup and that hair is anyone surprised…?

The red head also went home.

Through her tears she stated that she was glad ‘her dad would be proud’ of her.  So maybe Brad dodged a bullet on this one (DADDY ISSUES) but honestly, I don’t feel like he gave her a fair shot at all.  Sigh…here we are again…society discriminating against the gingers.  When will it stop?

Next week we don’t see any back tattoo amazingness (yet) but ugly girl goes to Vegas and gets lots of presents

and Brad takes the girls and Emily, WHOSE RACE CAR HUSBAND DIED IN A PLANE CRASH to…well…

…a race track.

SMOOTH one Brad.

The Pack is Back January 24, 2011

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Bitch please.  Since when do I watch football?

Since yesterday, apparently!  My family has been Packer fans since birth and yesterday I found myself becoming very invested in the game.  Well it’s good news because the Packers will be going to the Super Bowl!!!  A party will be thrown and another Power Hour will be had.  Let’s just hope that we all are coherant enough to focus on the game….or at the very least the episode of Glee that will be airing afterwards.

The high point of this weekend, by far, was receiving our First Place trophy for Livin on a Spare.  Of course we all took turns taking pictures with it…

More-O and I, as co-captains, took claim of the trophy and are proudly displaying it in our apartment.  It’s also possible the team knew I would throw a giant fit if I didn’t get the trophy so…..there’s that.

Kind of a ‘wah wah’ day today.  Nothing special to report, no big news to shout out to the heavens.  Lots of good tv on tonight, including Bachelor, Gossip Girl, and the premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Ya’ll know how much I love this show so needless to say after dodgeball is done I will be hustling my little ass home to watch.

One last little nugget of joy before I go…MethFace Aaron Carter entered Rehab.

The year was 2000, a simpler time, and Kristen and I brought my sister to see Aaron Carter in concert.  Yes, we actually bought tickets and sat through an entire Aaron Carter concert.  It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  I only hope during his visit to rehab the Intervention cameras will be following him because THAT would be Aaron’s party if there ever was one!!

Updates You Never Wanted to Know January 21, 2011

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Hey Rihanna.

No.

Friday!!  We made it!!  I got nothin’ for ya!!  Looking forward to a little less of an exhausting weekend than last but still with lots of fun times.  Tonight there is a 90’s karaoke party I will be attending but due to the fact that we have a bowling party to ACCEPT OUR TROPHY before I won’t be dressing up to the nines.  I did wear a big plaid though, just to go with the theme. 

So I have to tell you what I’m rocking out to lately – this chick.

Adele.  Her first album was awesome and I loved it for a long time, but it’s not something I listen to on a daily basis.  Her new album though?  KILLING ME.  The uptempo songs are amazing and the ballads are just absolutely heartbreaking.  It’s one of those albums that just helps you.  Amazing.

Let’s see, what else is going on.

*My boss took me to Chipotle yesterday and us trying to sneak margaritas out of the restaurant was a highlight of my week.

*Parks and Recreation is back.  This show is amazing.  If you are not watching it, you are severely missing out.  Just ask Page Six!  He never watched it and then caught up on Season 2 all in one day.  Now he loves it.  Trust me on this one.

*American Idol is back.  I am unclear on how I feel about this.

*I went to the gym on Wednesday and rocked out to Kanye West and Nicki Minaj.  Yes everyone, I am now urban.  Didn’t you get the memo?

*Mario Bros. for Wii is awesome.

*The shoes I’m wearing leak when it snows/rains.  I really need to invest in some boots.

*Vicks vapo rub has saved my life this week.

*I have a nagging urge to go skiing.  Or maybe I just want to be in a snowed in room with a fireplace and a glass of wine.  Either or.

*Awful Jesse James is engaged to the equally awful Kat Von D.  On a side note, Sandra Bullock has an angry black baby.

*I’m bored with my hair.  Ineed a Hair-tervention.

*I started watching Shonda Rhimes’ new show “Off the Map” but I stopped after two episodes.  I may love me some Greys Anatomy and Private Practice, but Off the Map is awful.

*My boyfriend has really soft hands.

*I need a nap.

And now you’re caught up on my life!!  Have a great weekend!!!!

Bachele-Cap January 18, 2011

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Phew!!  What a weekend!  I had some lovely friends in town and it was quite the whirlwind of a time.  The biggest news of the weekend was the fact that our bowling team Livin’ on a Spare won the championships Sunday afternoon.  Quite exciting.  Our long weekend started to wind down Sunday night where, of course, we watched the Golden Globes.  I had some requests to blog about them, but everyone blogs about the GG’s and truly I don’t have much to say.  I thought Ricky Gervais was controversial, but great.  I loved Angelina’s dress.  Natalie Portman has a funny laugh.  I saw Jane Fonda’s nipple.  I was happy Chris Colfer won.  Robert DeNiro can be kinda boring.  Temple Grandin is amazing and I need to see a reality show with her, Corky from Life Goes On, and Becky from Glee.  So yeah – my Golden Globe thoughts were pretty much the same as everyone’s.

I can only guess the real reason you’re here, and that’s to see a Bachelor-cap.  I mean…who am I to disappoint?

As we can see from this first shot, Chris Harrison and his Technicolor Button-Down are back in full force.

Yes Chris, we know the deal.  Group date, two individual dates.  The girls who don’t get roses go home, blah blah blah.  Dude – why do you feel the need to state the obvious over and over again?  I guess we’re all looking for our purpose in life, and Chris Harrison has his.

So some girl gets a one-on-one date and they go to the world famous Capitol Records!  Being the fact that I see the inside of a record label on a day-to-day basis, I can tell you that there are much more exciting first dates out there.  But the fact that they got to record a song was kinda cool.

Even if they were the worst singers IN THE WORLLLLLLD!  I mean, I have gone to a lot of karaoke joints and heard a lot of bad singers and I can say with convidence that Brad Womack is one of the worst. 

Go on and hit those notes Bradley!  You don’t sweat, you glisten!!

Then some guy named Seal came in to sing “Kiss From a Rose” and everyone got excited like it was 1997 again and they were all going to see the premiere of “Batman and Robin.”

Yay Seal.  Yay hooray.

I don’t know what it is about the girls this season but they have got some MAAAJOR daddy issues.

Deaths in the family are hard, yes.  But they are even harder when Brad Womack makes you sing “Kiss From a Rose” and that was the only song you and your daddy would sing together at the top of your lungs.  GOOD ONE BRAD!!  His reaction after hearing the news was as animated, as caring, and as geniune as we’ve come to expect from Bradley.

“Oh.  Mah.  Goodness.  I.  Am.  So.  Sorry.”

Oy.

Speaking of ‘oy.’

Oh my Sarah Becky McBride I’m trying my damndest to not judge Michelle based soley on the editing of a few Bachelor producers but ya’ll she be making it REAL hard.  This was Michelle’s reaction upon learning that out of 15 girls she would not be recieving one of the TWO one-on-one dates.

Psst.  Hey Michelle.  Get ahold of yourself.

Yay Group Date!  Yay another acting challenge!  Yay!  Yay for sarcasm!  Brad showed everyone how good of an actor he was by pretending to beat up a bunch of extras who just happened to be hanging around.

I mean…you give me a shovel and I could probably do well in a fight too…

If I was going on a group ‘date’ with Brad I would be pissed if they made me work out and pretend fight all day.

Sweaty and dirty is not a good look on me.  Oh, what’s that?  We’d be filming some porn too?

I guess in that case I’d be okay with it.

Gaaaaawd Brad, could you be anymore dramatic? 

I mean, carrying a girl to safety while a building blows up behind you?  How cliche.  That is soooo 2009.

After the AWESOME movie shoot they all went to relax on an (admittedly) pretty amazing rooftop  pool.  Yes, you heard correctly.  “Pool.”  You know what happens when pools are around, right?

Massive back tattoos!!!!!  WAAAAAHHOOOO!!!

This girl (Shantel?  Chantal?  Shawntol?) took the sexy rooftop pool atmosphere to ugly cry to Brad about how she lost her dad.

“Kiss From a Rose” wasn’t involved this time, but “Oh. Mah.  Gawd.  Ahm. So. Sorry.” sure as hell was!

Also involved?

Brad’s titty cleavage!!!

Man oh man it’s so hard not to like Widow Emily.

I mean, she’s pretty, she’s down to earth, she’s nice, she’s gone through a horrible tragedy…what’s not to like?!  As some girl put it “she’s a tiny Barbie doll with the personality of Mother Theresa.” 

As we reheard the story of how her husband died for the NINE THOUSANDTH TIME it gave us an opportunity to show more girls crying.

Jesus, is everyone on their period this week because the tears sure are a-flowin’! 

After that touching and sad story about Emily’s life which makes all of us question our life choices just a little more, what better way to cheer up the Bachelor viewers than to show…

A CHICKEN FIGHT!!!!  WOOOO!!!!

Yes Michelle.  I am confused as well.

I’m also confused by Michelle’s SUPER STALKER PERSONA!

The lighting is bad but yes that is Michelle awkwardly standing to the side of Brad and whatsherface.  Every time Brad would go off to talk to someone, Michelle would interrupt and Brad wouldn’t acknowledge her for the first little bit and…ugh.  It was more awkward than January Jones hosting SNL.

Michelle got her time with Brad though and we, in turn, got a gorgeous view of an AWESOME BACK TATTOO!!!!

So hot.

Awesome tattoos + crazy =

A Bachelor moment made in heaven.

Yay!  One-on-One date with the amazing widow Emily!

Good one Brad.  Taking the lady who’s husband died on a plane…ON A PLANE!!!  Insensitive much?!

Back at the ranch the Vampire was in the midst of her period.

All of you so emotional, Jeeeeez!!!  Foreshadowing moment, btw.  Which sucks because Madison is actually starting to grow on me!!

Brad took Emily (plane aside) on an AMAZING date.  Wine country?!  Vineyard?!  Yes please! 

Not so awesome was the awkward silences that punctuated their entire date.  Open up Emily, just do it!!  Tell him about your daughter and your dead husband, he’ll love it!!  It’s great first date conversation!!  DOOOO IITTTT!

Aaaatta girl.

My favorite was Brad’s face during the entire story (yup, we’re hearing the story AGAIN).

It’s kinda like ‘awwwww shit, what the heelll did I get myself into?’  In Brad’s defense, we didn’t hear an “Oh Mah Gawd I Am So Sorry” and he was actually pretty sweet to Emily and wanted to know about her daughter, etc.  That’s because Emily is awesome and is going to win this whole thing (I called it from week one).  If Brad didn’t give her a rose after their date was over, she would be going home that night.

But of course he’s going to give her a rose, hello!!!!  You can’t send a lady home after she tells you about her dead husband!!!  Doi!

Then Brad had some time with his therapist.

And I promptly took a six minute nap.  Bitch, I got my own problems, I don’t need to hear about yours!

At the cocktail party pre-Rose Ceremony the girls put on their finest dresses and their purseiest lips.

Nice bow, lady.

As the cocktail party progressed, Michelle continued stalking and being awkward.

And this girl continued to have crimpy hair.

Yeah, I know!  The cocktail party really wasn’t that excited, what can I say?  I mean, Michelle stalked, some girl talked about the bow on her dress, everyone is in love with Brad after two weeks, the Vampire was sad

and the girl from the carnival last week was suuuuuuuper awkward and closed off with Brad.  Nice fivehead though.

F’real, how that girl got a rose after the shit she pulled with Brad at the cocktail party I’ll never know.  She was helllllla passive aggressive.  If I would Brad her ass would be at the curb.  Kinda like Crimps-mcGee

My FAVORITE THING, probably about the entire episode too, was that during this screengrab homegirl was saying “But I have so much happiness and love to offer!”  Eesh.  Apparently not enough, my dear.

Shocker upon shockers, Vampire Madison had a nervous breakdown and left the Rose Ceremony.

After Emily told her story, she really wasn’t the same, saying “I want to be here but I feel like some girls need to be here.’  GOOD ONE EMILY!!!  And also…um…isn’t NEEDING to be there a little worse than simply wanting to be there?  Like, hello desperato!

Next week’s episode doesn’t look too terribly promising, as we didn’t even view a single glimpse of Brad’s glorious back tattoo.  We do see him wearing an incredibly cute shirt though

and at some point in the episode Michelle makes this face

so I guess all won’t be lost afterall!!  “Crazy?  Who you callin’ crazy?” 

Until next week!!

Say Cheese! January 13, 2011

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A picture can tell a thousand words.

For instance…

This picture says:  “I drink too much beer at bowling and now I have a muffin top.”

This picture says:  “No matter what I do, nothing will be more embarassing than my brother Brett Favre having a small penis.”

This picture says:  “I may have an ice cream cone on my face but I will still kill you.”

And finally, we have the monstrosity that showed up and harassed me on the cover of People magazine this morning.

Gay face and his ugly baby.  I didn’t assssssk to see it and yet there it was, just staring me down.  If a picture says a thousand words, this picture would say “bad hairpiece” “ugly baby” and “Kelly Preston is married to a gay dude,” among other things.

I’m sick so maybe that’s an excuse for the excessive bitchiness today.  I don’t know.  All I know is that John Travolta ain’t foolin’ nobody.

The Bachelor Week 2 – “2 Hours I’ll Never Get Back” January 11, 2011

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Yes!  Go Brad, Go!  End it now, forever!  JUMP!!!!

Unfortunately, Brad did not jump.  I, however, felt like jumping off a cliff after watching this episode of The Bachelor.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I’m still watching this shit.  And because I’m bored and can’t NOT make fun of these people, I’m recapping it all for you – my adoring fans.  And hey maybe you don’t even like me.  Maybe you’re a fan of Brad, or of girls crying, or of giant-ass back tattoos.  Whatever the reason may be, I’m glad you’re here.

And so is Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison, who will next be appearing in “Chris Harrison and the Technicolor Button Down.”  His shirt is so bright, it even makes HIM close his eyes.

Man Hands is back.

Adams Apple and all.  This episode, however, she brought along her awesomely manicured eyebrows and HER Technicolor shirt!  She was heavily focused on early in the episode which, hello, means she’s going home.  This chick didn’t go home though.

Instead she got the first one-on-one date.  She’s also got one hand in her pocket and a really, really ugly dress.  I seriously question the style of some of the girls on this show but then I stop and remember that they are competing on a televised dating show that lasts six weeks and ends in marriage….and it all makes sense once again.

For their first one-on-one date…

…Brad drove her into the Hollywood Hills and then stabbed her to death.

No, that’s just wishful thinking.  Instead….

…he brought her to a CARNIVAL!!!!  Upon first thought I’d be like ‘WTF, a CARNIVAL?!?!’  Then I’d see the rides and be like ‘okay, maybe this could be cool.’  But then I’d remember that carnivals invite carni’s and clowns and I’d be like ‘WTF, a CARNIVAL’ again.  But then the producers would hand me a giant glass of wine

and I’d force myself to suffer through it. 

Back at the ranch Michelle was going through it.

According to Becky and Sarah, she’s apparently a very lovely girl.  I’m still on the fence because, and sorry ladies, but homegirl looks cra-zazy. 

Or maybe it’s just the outfit.  And the earings.  And the eyes.  And the personality.  Whatevs, I’m undecided.

Back in 7th grade, Brad and whatsherface were having a GRAND ol’ time.

I can’t.  With soooo many things in that picture.  I just can’t.

Whore.

So-and-so decided to open up to Brad about how her father was never there for her and how he’s homeless and and addict and blah blah blah

which of course inspires Brad to stick his tounge down her throat.

Seriously dude…daddy issues?  I’m just sayin’…you might want to RUN from this girl.  Don’t walk, RUN.  Because daddy issues and girls I mean…they just don’t mix.

So then we had the group date and I mean…was it just me or was everyone a liiiiiiittle too excited at the opportunity to volunteer for the Red Cross. 

I mean, volunteering is a great thing but you know half those girls were like ‘aw man…but I thought we were going to be doing Bumper Cars!  Sad face/pout/hand on chin.”  But let’s remember ladies – this is The Bachelor.  You’re not ACTUALLY going to be volunteering!!  No!  You’re going to be filming PSA’s about how you should give blood!!  And what better way to get that message across than to dress up in costumes and kiss Brad repeatedly!  Duh!

Shirtless Shot.

It may look nice but doth ye not forget about the monstrosity that awaits you on his back, okay?

This poor girl.

I mean, you dress her up like a handicapped biker lesbian and of course Brad will send her home later.  She didn’t stand a chance.

Once on set, everyone realized they weren’t shooting a PSA announcement and instead were shooting a porn, with Brad starring as Tom Selleck.

Porn.

Vampire Porn.

Shy girl Porn.

“No Really Brian, She’s Sane” Michelle decided that she didn’t like all of the girls kissing Brad on her ‘30th Birthday! sad face/pout/hand on chin’ and so she felt the best course of action would be to storm on set and make a scene.  Hey, it worked!  Cue Brad hug/longing look to off camera.

Hey Brad Womack and the Technicolor Button Down, don’t you steal Chris Harrison’s moves!

I, however, am going to steal a line from Sex and the City:

“Hey look, tit soup.”

I can’t with that sparkly bikini top.  This isn’t Vegas ladies, this is….THE BACHELOR.  Class it up a bit, please.

Oh God.

Nope Sarah and Becky, I’m going to actually not listen to my instincts and I’m going to side with you.  Because I really do want to believe that Michelle is sane and that she’s not a psycho.  I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

No I’m not.  Bitch be crazy.

Nice Car Brad.

But lest ye not forget that Nice Car + Giant back tattoo = small penis.  Ladies, beware.

Some other girl got a one-on-one.

I can’t.

He then told her she could pick from any dress, any pair of shoes, anything she wanted for their date that night.

I’m getting very strong “Pretty Woman” vibes here….

I really can’t with her underbite.

Brad brought her to an empty Hollywood Bowl for a nice dinner…which is actually kind of cool.  But then they were given an exclusive performance just for them…

by the band Train.  Which is so, so not cool.

As it was though, it looks like Train was enough for Brad to, yet again, eat a girls’ face.

Eat her face AND cover her face all at the same time.  He’s multi-talented like that.

Amazing Emily finally got some time to talk to Brad at the cocktail party.

I’m really hoping that she dulls that orange hue and takes off some of that makeup or I fear that she won’t make it far.  Of course she also has that whole ‘dead husband soulmate/daughter’ thing too so really the odds are stacked against her any way you look at it.

These two beasts had a fight.

About…something.  I’m honestly not clear on what the issue was.  All I know is that Manscaper did/said something to Man Hands that caused MH to run to Brad and ugly cry.

Not to be outdone, Manscaper had to pinch herself and make herself cry when Brad came around too.

You know Brad was just like ‘Ah Hell, bitches done be craaaaazy!”

These two ass hats came back.

I do like Ali’s dress, I’ll give her that.  Her hair, on the otherhand…

I can’t.

Their sole purpose for being there was to interview the girls and find who was the best match for Brad.  You know, because they know Brad so well having met him for the first time tonight.  I really think we should put a lot of weight into their opinion.

Man Hands took this opportunity to tattle on the Manscaper for whatever she did

and Ali and Roberto TRULY couldn’t look more interested.

I know guys, I feel the same way.  We’re almost done.

ROSE CEREMONY!!!

The four bitches that already had their roses were SOOOOO happy to be there.  Well happy and smug. 

LOL.  Look at Emily’s face – she’s like ‘awww yeah.  Dead husband and orange face aside, I GOT THIS, yo!’

Despite not really being in this episode, the Vampire Queen got a rose

as did a bunch of other girls I don’t care to know or talk about.

The Rockette went home

and gave us an AWWWWWESOME closing monologue about how ‘love will never be in the cards’ and that she’s ‘destined to be alone for the rest of her life’ and how ‘she’s tried everything’ including sets ups and online dating.  Honey, if you want to be the next Bachelorette you gotta make it a liiittle farther than the second episode, sorry to say.  Your desperate plea for approval/a date probably won’t do much to convince the producers you’re the one.  Move on boo. 

As predicted, Man Hands went home.

Which is crazy because she didn’t cry at Brad or create drama at all….so odd.

Manscaper also gave us some good final tears

But I’m not sad at all to see her go.  Not a fan- at’all.  Nice boobs though.

Next week widow Emily looks like she’s going to tell Brad about her daughter on a haystack, and it looks like a girl may walk out of the rose ceremony.  Also back next week?

Longing looks off-camera from Michelle and an AWESOMELY LARGE BACK TATTOO.

I can’t wait.

I hate this show.

Monday Musings January 10, 2011

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Monday, Monday.  Blarg blarg blarg.  I’m currently attempting to convince myself I’m not hungry so I don’t get lunch too early.  Even though 12:30 is a perfectly acceptable time for lunch, if I get my salad now I’ll be hungry again in like, an hour.  Which would suck.  And WOW now you know way too much about my lunch habit.

So hello!  How are you?  Good weekend?  That’s nice.  Obviously the only thing the entire world that anyone can talk about (and by ‘the entire world’ I mean ‘the gays’) is the new Britney single.

I remember waaaaayyyyy back in 2000 when “Oops I Did It Again” came out…I didn’t like it.  I was in the computer lab next to the theater dept and I was like ‘what the helllll is this?’  Now, of course, I think it’s one of her best songs ever.  Yeah, I said it.  One of her best songs ever – it’s pure pop perfection.  As far as “Can’t Hold It Against Me” is concerned…I mean…it is definitely NOT one of her best songs ever.  I don’t hate it but I don’t really love it.  Maybe it will be another “Oops,” but it could also be another “Autumn Goodbye.”  And hell yes I just referenced “Autumn Goodbye.”

Fun, busy weekend.  Friday night with More-O was awesome.  We went to a really nice dinner and then played Wii Glee Karaoke.  We had more fun than we’ve had in a long time.  Saturday night we joined about 25 other gays and went to…the rodeo!

I don’t know why I’m puffing out my stomach in that picture…anyway…the rodeo was fun for like the first 2.5 hours.  But then it just kept going…and going….and going…and really, every bull rider looks the same.  Did I mention that for two beers it was $19.50?!

If that’s not ridiculous, I don’t know what is.  And before you yell at me Heidi, yes I did feel very bad for the animals the entire time I was there.  Those bulls must be fa-reaking out.  But they gave them all cute names so doesn’t that make everything okay?  I also did not see children riding sheep as I was promised.

You’ve heard about the birds falling from the sky and the thousands of fish dying, right?  Well I think I finally found out why it’s all happening.

Yes, Posh Spice is pregnant again.  And we alllllllll know what happened the last time she had a baby – Cruz Beckham happened.  So this new child is cllllllllearly the devil and he is merely announcing his presence to us all by killing birds and fish. 

While it has been a hot minute since I saw a Broadway show, I still keep up to date on all the news and happenings.  Ie:  Spiderman sucks and is killing people.  See?!  I’m in the happs.  Anyway, “In the Heights” closed yesterday and its original star returned for a few weeks to close out the show.  He showed up at the stage door after the show…looking like this.

Apparently he didn’t get the memo that yellow glasses were barely cool in 1999 and they DEFINITELY are not cool now.  Seriously dude?!  Yellow glasses?!  I don’t get it.  How in ANY way are those attractive?  And yeah Anne Hathaway, I’m talking to you too.

So confused.

Our new bowling league started yesterday and in addition to the 1.5 hours we played in our morning league, we ended up bowling for like, 70 hours yesterday.  I was hit and miss ALL DAY LONG.  Definitely did not make a strong showing but perhaps the numerous beers I had had something to do with my poor performance.  I look forward to making up for it next week.

You all remember the ever popular Carrie Bradshaw, right?  No, not THAT Carrie Bradshaw, THIS Carrie Bradshaw!

SO CUTE.  I miss my girl very much sometimes, but I do not miss the litter box or the hair.  Plus living with More-O I mean…I can only handle ONE animal in the house.  Thanks Heidi for the amazing picture – she’s totes adorbs.

Okay, I can’t handle it anymore.  I have to get a salad because I am staaaaharved.  Peace out my peeps.

Hate Your Face…? January 7, 2011

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Ugh.  I just don’t know what to do with myself.  Any reader of BriTunes knows that I have my nemesis’ (nemesi?) and I have people that I irrationally hate.  Ali Sweeney, The Bachelor, Lea Michele’s bangs, Matt Morrison, etc.  And then we have Kristen Stewart.  K. Stew and I have a….complicated relationship.  I honestly can’t say that I’ve seen any of her movies.  Wait, not true, I slept through half of Adventureland.  But that’s beside the point.  The point it, I hate her face.  She got stank face, she’s got an attitude, whatevs.  Hate her face.  But on Wednesday at the People’s Choice Awards…I mean…I didn’t hate her face!!! 

Scratch that, I kinda do.  But homegirl actually looks kiiiiinda good!!  K. Stew is going to have to make a few changes and get another ugly haircut and start being sour again because I don’t know how to live a life where I don’t hate Kristen’s face. 

My favorite face of the week though?

Homegirl from “Hoarders.”  She also gave me my favorite quote of the week:  “Luanda, you better get down or I will sl-ap you!” 

And yes, she was talking to a goat. 

The other guy in the episode Hoards bunnies.

And that is truly the excitement of my afternoon. 

I have a date with More-O tonight, which I’m super excited about.  There was so much going on before the holidays and even after the holidays so it’s nice that we’ll get a little one on one time outside of house.  Tomorrow apparently I’m going to a rodeo?  Yeah….I don’t know either but all I know is that I’m excited to wear plaid and drink beer.  Sunday is the Bowling-apalooza.  We have our regular bowling league in the morning and then the dodgeball bowling leauge in the afternoon.  I’m going to be an expert bowler by the time all is said and done!

Clearly I’m very exciting.  Happy Friday everyone!

Biggest Loser, Indeed January 5, 2011

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Do you people watch The Biggest Loser?  Do you hate Ali Sweeney as much as I do?

I know she’s a soap star, I know she used to be fat, and all of that is fine.  But MAN does she drive me crazy.  She always is so ass FAKE!!!  Look at that smile above.  I mean, you can pratically see her inner monologue above her head:  “doing this for the benjamins.”  She annoys me.

Yeah, it’s one of those kind of days.  A day where my hate for Ali Sweeney is enough to inspire a blog post.

They can’t all be Bachelor recaps…