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Glee-Cap February 23, 2011

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Every year, over 400 people die from alcohol poisoning, according to a study done by…Ryan Murphy.  I wonder if he fact checked.  Also every year, 400 people die because of alcohol related Glee episodes according to a study done by…me.  And yes, I fact checked.

Last night’s Glee was like a television afterschool mini series special of the week.  I hated it, I loved it, it made me laugh, it made me cringe…it made me feel a rainbow of emotions from start to finish.  Let’s break it down and if you need a cheat sheet, just remember that kids = good, adults = bad.

Exactly.  Will’s tie = good though.

I still think this ‘original song’ idea is the pits, but whatever.  They’re going with it and therefore I have to also.  I appreciated that Finn and Rachel had that mini moment in the beginning.

It’s good for the audience (and the writers) to remember that they used to date and that there are underlying feelings there but for the moment they are just there for each other.  This, Ryan Murphy, is called giving your characters ‘layers.’  Remember it.  Honestly, sometimes I just feel like people on this show are as simple as “The Headband Song.”

Which was amazing, btw.  And yay Lea Michele for singing pitch perfect live.

So Rachel’s dads are out of town and everyone hatches a plan to have a party at her house.

One time, in High School, I was planning a party to have friends over for a mini party while my parents were out of town but the ‘rents found out about it and grounded me and had the house on Community Watch the entire weekend.  Major buzzkill.  It was like, the ONE time I tried to do something bad and I couldn’t even pull that off.  Whatever.  I digress.

I need one of these in my home.

Whether it be of myself or Rachel Berry, I need one.

I see myself in many of the characters.  I see myself in Santana’s bitchiness, in Kurt’s gayness, and in Lauren’s fatness.  I also saw myself in Rachel this episode.

Because giving out drink tickets for a party I was hosting is sooooo something I would have done in High School.  Maybe it was for the best my parents found out about that party…

Love love loved when all the kids got drunk.

I also loved when Finn broke down the different levels of drunk in the room, because I totally have been all of those.  There was a time when I was definitely the weepy drunk

I’ve been known to be the angry drunk…

Give me a chair and a Britney song and I’ll totally turn into the stripper drunk…

and sometimes, just sometimes, I’m the fun drunk.

I’m never ever Rachel though, the needy drunk.  Nope, not at all….ever….moving on….

Santana was amazeballs this episode.

I heart her so much.

Blaine was at the party and I kinda liked that he was hanging around with the McKinley kids. 

Also, how much did you Rachel’s dad’s basement?  They remodeled it for the “OSCAR PARTIES THEY THROW.”  That is now my life goal.  Also my life’s goal?

To be friends with Lauren.  They didn’t use her full comedic potential this episode, but she was still amazing.

Btw, isn’t Mercedes a good church girl?  Since when does she get wasted?

Tina:  “I need to close my locker but I’m afraid it’s going to sound like a gunshot.”  She has potential – give her something to do!!!  Loved that they were still so hungover two days later and all wearing sunglasses inside.  Onetime I was hungover on the Subway and was wearing sunglasses and this family sitting across from me thought it was the funniest thing ever so they tried to take a picture of me on my phone.  I took off my glasses and totally glared at them until my stop.  People – if I’m wearing sunglasses on the Subway it truly is mostly for your benefit.  But I digress.

While not a fan of the original, I really loved the performance of “Blame It on the Alcohol.”

What the what was Quinn’s hat all about though?

Blarg.

Ugh, more blarg.

I effing hate how he guffaws at everything.  Go home Matt Morrison.

Gay stuff gay stuff….

Will and Beiste sing a really lame country song and now are friends…

and then the toothless wonder appears.

I do love his sweater though.

This is the part in the episode where it totally lost me.  Too long of a scene with Beiste and Will…country…Beiste makes jokes…Will pretends to not want to sing…I mean…I can’t.

Will’s drunk.  I can’t.

I would toooooottally try and take advantage of him if he was drunk though.  Beiste passed up a great opportunity.  And I kinda thought his drunk dial was funny because, let’s face it, we’ve all done that (some of us more than once).  I had a good streak in college where I would drunk dial a certain person and I would have to have Jamie or Quentin take my phone away from me.  It was not pretty.  Again.  I digress.

Ugh.  I digress.

While there wasn’t a shirtless Sam scene this episode…

…we got bare arms and muscles.  I’ll take it.

I love how the kids decided to sing “Tik Tok” at the assembly for alcohol awareness.  But I love even more how Principal Figgins introduced them “And now New Directions singing the song ‘Tik and also Tok’ by the rapper Ke-dollar sign, ha.”  That’s comedic gold right there.

Is taking a shot of whiskey before a performance really a theater tradition?  Because if it is no one included me and I feel like I really missed out on that…

So the kids drink before the performance, Brittany is an amazing Ke$ha doppleganger….

and even though the song sucks, it’s actually a really fun performance.

I mean, hello.

If anyone knows me, they know that I love puke.  Not actually puking, but when other people puke.  There’s nothing I love more than a ‘baby puking montage set to “Ode to Joy” on America’s Funniest Home Videos.  So imagine my delight when the cocktail that Rachel made didn’t agree with everyone and….

Not just puking, but puking ON SOMEONE.  And then…

PROJECTILE PUKE!!!!!!!!!  PROJECTILE PUKE ON GLEE.

Sigh….it was like Christmas morning for me. 

When Sue (oh yeah, Sue was in this episode) played Will’s drunk dial over the intercom (oh yeah, he accidentally drunk dialed Sue…zzzzz) I thought it funny that Emma, who is so anal about germs, put her hand over her mouth while wearing her latex glove.

I mean, isn’t that like, the grossest thing of all?  Even I wouldn’t do that!

Blah blah blah, lesson about not drinking….

Amazing moment:

Quinn:  “Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?”
Brittany to Mercedes:  “That is so racist.”
Mercedes:

Blah blah blah ‘sign this form and you can call me and I’ll pick you up if you’re drunk…’

Which you know is code for ‘now you have my cell phone number call me anytime because I am a pervy innapropriate teacher.’

And then Rachel kissed Blaine to finish out the episode.

Which you would think would be something I complain about but in thinking more about it it’s actually genius.  Up until this point Rachel has been friendly with the gays but she has never actually fallen in love with them which, as we all know, is the FIRST step for a theater hag.  Of COURSE Rachel is a hag – obviously!!  So it’s nice that they pointed out something that we’ve all known but have not seen – that Rachel is born to be a fag hag.  It was there right in front of our faces the whole time but because Kurt was the only gay guy, Rachel technically cannot be a hag.  She has to have more than one.  So now she has two and Karofsky will make three and then Will will make four and hopefully, if I’m lucky, Sam will have five.

But I digress.

Coming Up:  The return of Gwenyth!!  The return of Uncle Jesse!!!  And hopefully the return of more puking!!!

The Bachelor – Curse of the Missing Back Tattoo February 22, 2011

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They say that ‘Home is where the Heart is.’  Well on The Bachelor, home is where overenthusiastic, plastic surgery ridden wine drinkers are.  Or maybe that’s just Chanteeeel O’s family.  I have to say, this episode really left me wanting more.  ‘More of what?” you may ask…well I think you know.  Where was the back tattoos?!?!  Where were the tramp stamps?!?!?  Brad’s man titties?!  SUCH a letdown.  Whatever.  So Brad is in New York, looking pensive, ready to visit the four ladies left and their families.

Why Brad would be in New York when none of the girls live there, he lives in Austin, and the Bachelor house is in LA is beyond me.  Whatever.  Go New York!

The first girl up is Chacetal who lives in….Seattle I think?  I don’t know.  I kind of zone out whenever she talks.  Anyway, here she is by the water looking pensive and thinking of Brad.

Is it like, a prerequisite for every home date to have them looking pensive?  I don’t get it.

Crotch shot.

And that’s the most we got from Brad this week.  We barely even got a glimpse at his upper chest – he was like a bundled up polygimist wife the entire episode.  C’mon buddy, you GOTTA GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH HERE!!

Chanteel’s cat knows what’s up.

Hell yeah, you give that side eye bitch.  Oh yes, in case you didn’t see, Chewtell has a cat, a dog, and ANOTHER cat.  Nothing screams “I’m lonely and have daddy issues” like three pets.  Trust me, I’ve been there.

Kudos to Brad on his adorable vest outift thing.

He’s so purdy sometimes.

Champagntall’s dog wassss adorable, I have to say.

Despite how it may look, the Corona is actually Chantaaal’s, not the dogs.  The dog keeps it classy.

Chinatll’s family was a comedic GOLD MINE.  First of all, look at their grand foyer:

I mean, that’s some Aaron Spelling shit right thurr. 

Chantteeel’s mom, like her daughter, is an absolute beauty.

Who has had zero plastic surgery, clearly.

Her father also has the same stance on amending your face as you age.

And by that I mean he’s for it.  Look at that forehead.  That is not natural.  His forhead is as smooth as a baby’s bottom – he’s giving some intense Nicole Kidman face.

So pretty.

Chuntoal’s dad took Brad outside for a heart to heart chat but in actuality I think he just wanted to show Brad his statue.

I guess I should be happy that he gave us some technicolor button down action, but I can’t stop thinking about his forhead.

Where’s Chatnal?

C-rryyyyyying again.  And her mother was so supportive and loving.  And by that I mean she was more robotic than Britt.  I did love when Chental referred to her ex-husband as ‘the person I was previously married to.’  You can say his name, your mom knows who he is (I would hope). 

Smashley’s visit home was a lot more fun and really made me like Smashley a lot more. 

Pensive.

Brad gave us another cute outfit.

while Smashley brought Brad to a restaurant and gave him a heart attack.

Fries covered in Cheese AND gravy?  I mean, yum but OUCH.  I feel like I have to deduct Weight Watchers points just by LOOKING at that picture.

Oh look, Michelle’s back.

Moving on.

Smashley was so cute and so excited to see her family

and her family, in turn, was suuuuuuper excited to see Brad too.  Her mom even got down on her knees for Brad

But that’s really a story for “The Bachelor After Dark.”

Was it just me or was Smashley’s sister just a bit…..off?

Almost as if she ate paint chips as a kid.  Or as an adult.

Everyone had a great time at Smashley’s house and, of course, more wine was consumed.  I actually thought her hometown was gorgeous – kind of made me want to move to Maine!

Shawteeeel N skipped the pensive shot and instead decided to show us a commercial for her family’s funeral service.

Because nothing says ‘funeral directors’ like three guys, a girl, and a golden retriever.

Oh thank God.

And here I thought we wouldn’t get a pensive shot from Shrimptell.

Brad’s outfit, while I’ve seen better, still worked it out for me.

I  need to hire his stylist, and now.

The minute I knew Shatnerell was going home was when I saw where her and Brad’s hometown date was going to take place.  It was FILLED with not sexy.

Telling a guy ‘this is where your and my’s cremated bodies can go?’

Not sexy.

Showing him where you cut open bodies and do embalming?

Not sexy.

Asking him to GET ON THE TABLE SO YOU CAN EXPLAIN IN FURTHER DETAIL WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU EMBALM SOMEONE?!

Do I even need to say it?

Aw, who cares if she’s sexy or cute or fun or whatever because she owns a funeral home, yay!!! – CHEERS!!

Not sexy.  That Macaroni and Cheese though?  SEXY.

I loved it when Chimptell was telling her family that, even though she’s expected to take over the family business, if Brad proposed she would move to Austin with him and do something else.  Dad was NOT having that.

Yeesh!  Not sexy.  Then he sat down with her and gave her a GUILT TRIP over the fact that her old teacher’s so and so died and the community was upset Shinshowandtell wasn’t in town to EMBALM because she was on the Bachelor.  I can’t.

It’s fine though – eat my face!!!

Not sexy.

The last stop on the hometown train was Emily in Charlotte, NC.  My good friend is moving there soon and judging from Emily’s visit I see that it is GORGEOUS.  Too bad it’s Republican and hates gay people.

How tender was it when Emily and her daughter were reunited?

My question is how long has Emily been home and why could she not see her daughter before now?  That’s just kinda cruel.  And if I didn’t know better, I would say that her child (Rickie?  Really?  RICKIE?) was birthed by Reese Witherspoon.

Rickie (I can’t), like Chafetell’s cat, gave some shaaaaaaade to Brad and I loved it.  First of all she was like ‘boy, you look like a damned fool, why are you trying to date my mom.”

Then when she opened the present he gave her and saw it was a kite she was all ‘a kite?  I’m a GIRL. What the frak and I supposed to do with this?!”

And finally at the picnic she was all KINDS of rolling her eyes.

I know Rickie, I have the same reaction with Brad often myself.

Homebody couldn’t even get it up enough to produce a cute OUTFIT!!!

A blue henley?  For Emily?!!?!  REALLY?!!  He done wasted all the good shit on the other three.  Pfft.

While watching this episode on Hulu, a commercial came on about hungry kids.

It made me laugh.  It shouldn’t have.  But it did.  I mean, look at that girl – she’s straight up Pippi Longstocking!

Oh whatever Rickie, like you’re so perfect.

Emily’s house was GORGEOUS.

So cute, totally the place you want to grow up.  Nicely landscaped and nicely lit!  Well done Em!

Why did we not meet any of Emily’s family?  I thought that was so odd.  And all they did was fly a kite and eat some cheese on a blanket.  Then Emily put Rickie to bed (which was really cute, especially when Brad said goodnight to her)

and then they just sat on the couch being awkward!!

I thought that Emily was actually great – totally being herself, totally opening up to Brad and being gorgeous.

And he was all “Duh…I want to kiss you…um….but uh…err….der….you have a kid upstairs and….umm…”

GROW A PAIR BRAD.  GROW.  A.  PAIR. 

Emily finally had to man up and kiss him in the doorway

This guy sometimes, I swear….

Chris Harrison is back.

With a boring, boring suit.  I fear our time with Chris Harrison and the technicolor button downs may be over….

Also back is Brad’s shrine to the women

which isn’t any less creepy being in his New York hotel room than it was on the beach in Anguilla.

Speaking of, why did the rose ceremony take place in his hotel room?

I mean, I know they are flying to Africa right after this but really?  With the budget the Bachelor has you couldn’t have at least rented a soundstage or something?  You had to have it in a hotel room?!  Maybe next season don’t go on as many lavish vacations and you’ll be able to afford stuff towards the end of the season.

I can’t with Chantil’s look.

Lol, I can’t.

So yeah, Shawn tail got the boot, but we weren’t surprised at all, and I don’t think she was either.

I mean, you made him lie on an examining table in a funeral home, for Goodness sakes!! 

“blah blah blah, you’re so great, thanks so much, blah blah blah”

and then her ass was put in a cab and sent.  Home.  I shall not miss her.  Or her eyebrows.

Totally jealous of the dates next week – AFRICA?!!

SO COOL!  I majorly want to go on a safari, so good for them.  Will hearts be broken?  Will the back tattoo return?  Will Brad wear a cute shirt?

Eh.  1 out of 3 ain’t bad!

Glee-Cap February 16, 2011

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Oh Glee.  Ya put me through it.  Week after week you put me through it.  I love you, I hate you,  I don’t know how I feel about you.  If we were on Facebook, my status would be that we are “In a Reltionship and It’s Complicated.”  But week after week, here we are.  I won’t quit on you Glee, and I hope you’ll do the same.  All I ask is that Ryan Murphy not write any more of the episodes because this week SUCKED. 

When I heard they were going to be doing two Justin Bieber songs I was all

That’s Emma by the way.  I’m not sure if you remember her.  She’s married to John Stamos.  Yeah, remember that plot line?  Oh yeah, and she doesn’t like Will’s Ex-Wife.  Teri, remember her?  Remember Charice?  Cheyenne Jackson?  Yeah…all plot points.  All forgotten.  But I digress.  Just like the show.  But anyway.

So Sue killed herself apparently

or at least that’s what she wants Erma and Will to think so that they’ll check on her and think she’s depressed and then she can join the Glee club but really it’s all an act so she can destroy them from within and then let Will know that she’s going to be the Glee coach of a rival school.

Yeah.  Tell me about it.

It’s almost as dumb as when Quinn told Sam the real reason she kissed Finn was because she was saving his life.

I can’t.

Sam + a comb + a sweatshirt = Justin Bieber?

Honestly I didn’t think his hair looked that different.  While I applaud the show for essentially making fun of the Jieber phenomenon, did we have to hear two songs?  Blech.

I’m really loving all of the Cheerios out of their uniforms and in regular clothes.  Brittany is adorable.

Subplot about Rachel needing to be popular so she tells Brittany what trends to start, blah blah blah, I don’t know moving on.

As always, Emma’s pamphlet’s are brilliance.

And I’m too depressed to download the Glee Justin Bieber songs.  Or maybe I just hate Justin Bieber.  Whatever.  What’s your point?

Sue in Glee Club was kinda funny.

Stupid.  But kinda funny.  At the very least she had a few good one-liners.

Sam sang Bieber to Quinn.

And I napped.

Other Asian is so friggin hot I can’t stand it.

He’s making me have an Asian fetish.  It’s the oddest thing ever.

Sue spread rumors to Rachel and Mercedes so, in a move we’ve seen beaten to death on this show, they decided to have a ‘Diva-off.”

Haven’t Kurt and Rachel already done this?  Speaking of, yay!!  No Kurt!!!  I, for one, did not miss the toothless wonder.  I did, however, miss Blaine.  Sing to me Darren Criss, sing to me.

The other guys joined the Bieber Experience to try and turn on their girls.  I don’t know this could turn anyone on.

Anyone.

They all danced on stage with these crazy lights

And then threw baking powder/cocaine on each other.

I just….I can’t.

I understand that Lauren is a good wrester…

but of course she’s going to beat skinny guys.  She’s in a completely different weight class which, in my opinion, is just unfair.  And now she wants a solo in the Glee Club?  This could be scary.

Being a massive fan of Rent, I was concerned to see how they would tackle “Take Me or Leave Me.”

However, I thought it was amaaaazeballs.  And I think Mercedes did better than Rachel.  Mr. Shue also enjoyed it. 

**whispers** “I HATE YOU.”

Of course because this is Glee, the two girls were friends by the end of the song.

Whatever.  Lame.  I do love Mercedes’ weave though.

Speaking of lame….

I really, truly, 100% can’t with this scene.

I can’t.  I’m just waiting for them to release “This Little Light of Mine, by Jane Lynch and Matthew Morrison” as a charity single.  I wouldn’t put it past Ryan Murphy, for reals.

How cute did all of the girls look in the “Rachel” outfits?

It’s a little “Clueless” mixed with some Lands End.  I love it.

Lauren did her solo….dressed like this.

And then she pictured everyone in their underwear.

I would now like to bring back a special section of this blog that I like to call…

***SHIRTLESS SAM!!!! SHIRTLESS SAM!!!! SHIRTLESS SAM!!!!!***

***This now concludes the SHIRTLESS SAM section.  Good Day.***  ***  ***  ***

I find it hard to believe that all of the girls would be in such granny underwear.  I do approve, however, that Mr. Shue’s “underwear” includes a vest.

And rightly so.

Have I mentioned to you all about how I have a thing for Other Asian?

CAN YOU SEE WHY??!!!

Lauren’s song, while vocally really awful, was kind of hilarious.  My favorite part is when she threw Brittany to the ground in the end.

I mean, homegirl SLAMMED to the ground.  Comedy gold.

Sam is pretty.

That’s all. 

Santana, what you gotta say about Sam?

Santana:  “I wants on them froggy lips, and I wonts on ’em now.” 

Meeeee too!!!

Apparently the theme of Regionals is “Anthems.”  I don’t understand why.  I understand less why they chose “Sing” by My Chemical Romance as an ‘anthem.’

Lesser still, I don’t understand why they are all dressed up like lesbians/Lumberjacks.

The choreography of this song included them running around the stage.

Juuuuuuuuust like in “Dog Days Are Over.”  Really people?  Running around the stage is the best choreography we can do in a group number?  Really?

Lea looks like she’s going to barf.  You know what makes me barf?

Mr. Shue “woo”-ing at everything.  Go home, Mr. Shue.

Sam broke up with Quinn, but more importantly it just gave us an opportunity to gaze that is the beauty known as Dianna Agron.

**whispers** I love you.  And you are wearing too much foundation.  But I love you.

Apparently now Santana and Sam are a couple now.

We shall call them “Samtana.”  I call dibs on copyright!!!

Ugh, this episode puts me through it.  Who’s ready to be done?

Yeah, me too.  Blah blah blah, Sue is mean, something about writing an original song (dear God, please, NO) and then we have a touching moment in which Finn tells Rachel he believes in her and touches her shoulder.

He is such a cock-tease.

And that’s all she wrote!!!  Tune in next week when we see the kids get drunk, a party at Rachel’s house, and the return of Coach Beiste and the toothless gay kid!  Oh yeah, and a Ke$ha song.

Wah Wah.

I Go (Lady) Gaga for The Bachelor February 15, 2011

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Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I have to say it was a pretty damn good day.  Between the love shown to me from my boyfriend and the warm weather, where could I go wrong?  But no gift was greater than the gift given to me in the form of the trainwreck that is….The Bachelor. 

Welcome to Anguilla.

Or as some of the girls called it – “Angueela.”  Also known as ‘the place where Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston went right before their divorce.’  No matter what you call it, it is gorgeous.  I want to go to there.

Chris Harrison is back, and boy is he blue.

He forewent the technicolor shirt and the paisley so he could match the background.  ::Sigh::: Is it so much to ask for a gorgeously tragic technicolor button down??!!!

THREE one-on-one dates this episode!!!  Wowza!!  Poor Robot Brit has barely had any alone time with Brad, much less a one-on-one date with him!  She’s reeeeally praying that she gets a date with him.

Um…..yeah.

In addition to Chris Harrison, Brad also let me down in his choice of button down this week.

Come on guys, give me something to work with here.  I don’t ask for much.  Just technicolor button downs and cute shirts.  And back tattoos.  And man boobs.  And tit soup.  And crotch shots.  Okay, maybe I do ask for too much.

Emily got the first one-on-one date (obviously) and so Brad thought it would be best to make her fly again and to take her to a penis-shaped island.

Inappropriate.  I guess we should all feel lucky he didn’t take her to another racetrack…

Back at the house Chantweel made this face.

And all was right in the world.

Back on Lost/Survivor/Penis Island, Brad and Emily had (admittedly) a pretty amazing date.

Romantical!

Emily is a shifty one, I’m telling you.  Part of me thinks she’s going to win the whole thing, and then part of me thinks she’s going to break Brad’s heart after next week’s hometown dates.  On the island, she was having conflicting feelings on if she wanted Brad to meet her daughter.

And then she ate his face.

Romantical!

The next one-on-one date was ShanteSashey and they were told…I mean…decided….that they were going to ride bikes through the town.

Bah.  Humbug.

They went to a farmers market, jumped some rope, bought some maple syrup…

and then met some BABY GOATS!!!!!!!!

Highlight of any date, bar none.

At night, it was just another beach, another candlelit dinner,

and more daddy issues.

This is The Bachelor.  Daddy issues are everywhere.  Beware.

On other dates this season, people were surprised with some pretty famous musicians.  I mean, we had Train, who are lame but their song was on Glee and they won a Grammy so I guess that makes them famous.  Then there was Seal, who is famous cause he has a few good songs and is married to Heidi Klum.  Shaneteela, however, got this guy.

Really?  That’s the best they could get?  Kenny G wasn’t available?

Back at the house, Michelle made this face.

And all was right in the world.

Back on the beach (I miss Penis Island already) Brad and Chantaaaaaaal were going SWIMMING!!!  C’mon…back tattoo.  C’mon….back tattoo.

BLECH.  I said ‘back tattoo.’  Not ‘abnormally large tramp stamp.’

Whatever.  Is it wrong I’m praying for this situation to turn out like a scene from ‘Jaws?’

The next day, it was time for Brit Brit’s date!!!!  Brad had a special day planned and they were going to be spending the majority of it on a fancy fancy yacht.  But if you want to get there Small Wonder…..bitch you gotta SWIM!!

If I was Brad I would be very concerned about her circutry shorting out.

The dates this episode really were a gift that kept on giving.  On Brit’s date ALONE they gave us:

Blow Job Face

Back tattoo and lower back hair

Glorious sun setting back tattoo

And aneorexic stick figure jumping off a cliff.

IT’S LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING!!!

After an awkward conversation on the beach, it was time to head back to the yacht for dinner.  How are they going to get back to the yacht?  You guessed it.

At dinner, the maid from The Jetsons wore her very best lacy camisole to match her polygamist hairstyle and she was ril excited for the stimulating conversation they were sure to have.

Or not have.

Brad sent her ass packing, noting that they didn’t have a romantic connection (OBVIOUSLY.  YOU NEVER GAVE THE GIRL A CHANCE!) and Brit was very, very emotional over the whole thing.

But hey, at least he put her on a boat and didn’t make her swim back.

Back at the house the girls were super concerned for Brit and she took this opportunity to finally have an emotional breakdown.

Yeah…not s’much.  Don’t worry Brit, you just keep going and you’ll find that wizard and he will give you a heart!!  Or at the very least…an oil can.

GROUP DATE!!!!

I see you too Smashley. 

Surprise!  Tall man in your room while you sleep!!  Don’t be alarmed, it’s just Brad and a camera crew!!  Yes, Brad woke the girls up for an early morning date and if that had been me, my ass would have slept in.  The girls, however, managed to feign excitement and no one was more excited than…

The Bride of Frankenstein.

The three ladies were all going to take part in a Sports Illustrated shoot which is great for Michelle (boobs), great of Chenteeel (BOOBS) and not so great for Smashley.

She was willing to make fun of herself and her mosquito bites though, and I thought that was really cool.  She kinda started to win me over this episode.  And by ‘kinda’ I do mean ‘I didn’t hate her in that one moment.’

This moment however…

If I see a giant evil Octopus or a singing crab or a klepto Seagull….I’m outta here.

Beached whale?  Katy Perry?

Or Shintell.  You decide.

Oh my.

Nothing like taking a little Top Model and throwing in some Maxim to make it Penthouse!!  You go Shantaaal.

When it came to be Michelle’s turn, she decided that she wanted to include Brad in her photo shoot.

Yeah…because a guyreading Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Issue wants nothing more than to see a guy making out with a girl in a bikini on a beach.  Even if there are massive back tattoos involved.

Smashley and Shamu loved it though, as you can tell by their body language.

Hey Michelle.  Nice boob veins.

Look at her collarbone…eeesh.  Michelle?  Or Lady Gaga?

You decide.

After the photo shoot, Brad took some time from his busy schedule to have a drink or two with the ladies, and an awkward moment or five with them as well.  It’s fine though because look:

Brad tits.

They really are glorious.  I don’t know whose boobs are bigger – Brad’s or Shanteals.

He was such a ‘back tattoo’ tease this entire date.  It was tits, tits, and more tits.

Not that I’m complaining.

But then…out of the heavens…

came the back tatoo in all of its splendor.

And Chanttalllll’s tramp stamp!!  Double the back tattoo, double the fun!!

Back tattoo with Smashley too!!!

My mind is being blown!!!!

I can’t

Even

HANDLE IT!!!!  But be careful – don’t cover the tattoo Smashley!!!  Learn from Emily’s mistakes!!!

Oh yeah.  This is “The Bachelor” not “The Back Tattoo.”  Although I wouldn’t mind if it was.  But I guess there is a plot too.  So yeah, Brad had talks with all of them, Michelle’s still crazy, Chantallllll still loves Brad, and Smashley is self conscious about everything.  But she still go the rose.  The other girls handled it really well.

Or not.

Smashely and Michelle decided to go home and Brad and Shantmeal and her one massive boob had a conversation.

Seriously.  That thing has its own zip code.

ROSE CEREMONY!!!!  One girl goes home!!!

I can’t even with this shot.

There’s so much flowing hair and dramatic poses, I keep expecting them all to turn around and be Drag Queens.

I have one word for this shot:

CREEPYSTALKERPERVERT!!!  Brad and his shell ridden shrine freak me out.

It’s Chris Harrison’s turn to have a therapy session with Brad.

And there’s STILL no technicolor button downs.  Just a boring tie that kind of doesn’t match his suit and shirt.  I’m disappointed in you Chris Harrison.

Charlie Sheentell though, is just disappointed in life.

She’s convinced she’s going home tonight.  I’m convinced she’s lame.

Brad decides to not have the cocktail party because he knows who he’s going to send home and Michelle shows elegence and grace and tells us how she feels about it.

Stay classy, Michelle.

This shot happened.

And all was right in the world.  But not her eye, from the looks of it.

I loved Emily’s smug face at the start of the Rose Ceremony.

Bitch knows she’s safe, and can’t wait to break Brad’s heart next week.

After putting us all through hell the past six, seven, eight weeks (how long as this season been?  Because it feels like forever) Michelle was finally sent packing.  She went out with a bang….or a wimper, depending on how you look at it, refusing to hold Brad’s hand

refusing to look him in the eye and say anthing, and finally, just laying down in the limo and admitting defeat.

REALLY Michelle?!?!?!?!  After all the hell, all the D-RAMA that you put us through this season  you’re not even going to yell at him?  You’re not going to cry?  You’re not going to hit anything?  Pfft.  And you call yourself a hairstylist (read: actress).  Boo Michelle.

Next week is the hometown visits, and you know we are going to have some fun with that.  I didn’t see any back tattoos (we can only pray that we’ll see some)

but I did see a couple of bitches.

Emily’s daughter who throws some mad shade at Brad

and this little thing!!!

I didn’t think anything could top the baby goats.

I.  WAS.  WRONG!!!

New Couple Alert February 14, 2011

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In honor of Valentine’s Day, I would like to offer you and exclusive look at Hollywood’s new, hottest “it” couple:

Now that’s a sandwich I wouldn’t mind being in the middle of.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

Glee-Cap February 9, 2011

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Yo I need Bachelor and Glee to not be on for at least like, a day so I get a chance to breathe!!  Plus it’s hard to Glee-cap when the episodes don’t give me much to work with.  I have to admit that I wasn’t even looking forward to last night’s episode due to the fact that the Super Bowl episode was kinda….

BUT.  I’m happy to say that they pulled it out last night and I really did enjoy the episode (and MOST of the song selections). 

First of all, LOVING this pair.

You know that I think Puck is useless.  And you know that I love me some Lauren.  But when you put them together it somehow makes Puck more…real…and it makes Lauren just that much more amazing.

This is a shot of Finn’s locker.

I want to go to there. 

I like that Finn is like, the stud of the school now but he’s been “Glee Lame” for so long now he just comes off as being a bit of an ass.  That’s fine though, he be lookin’ ril good.

Gay stuff gay stuff Blaine loves another guy, moving on.

Santana had tons of shining moments in this episode.  I happen to feel like she and I share a common bond, in the sense that we both ‘keep it real and are hilarious.’  We also both do the singular finger when we need to get a bit sassy.

During the time she is being called out, she points out the fact that Mr.Shue is ‘addicted to vests.’

He’s also addicted to being lame and that is why this episode was better than the rest – cuz he wasn’t in it!

Brittany is a good friend.

And yes Santana, people do suck.  I feel for you gurl.

Gay stuff gay stuff Blaine wants to sing to someone at the Gap, moving on.

Is it me or did everyone else totally want to be at Mercedes/Rachel/Kurt’s sleep over?

It just looked like so much fun!!  It has been far too long since I’ve gone to a proper sleepover – let’s bring them back!  We can talk about boys, have pillow fights, braid each other’s hair…

It’ll be oh so much fun!

In addition to hating Puck because he’s lame, I also hate his singing voice.  There is no depth, no real vocal quality to it, and it annoys me.  His song to Lauren, however, was really great – probably because he was aided by the plaid wonders in the background.

The girls’ expression while he was singing to Lauren was so amazing.

Yes Lea Michele, get it.

Another reason I don’t like Mark Sailing is because he looks like a T. Rex 95% of the time.

I guess we can at least tell that he’s carnivorous….

Finn set up a kissing booth b/c he’s a whore, this we know.  But the biggest whore of all?

Becky.  She had like ten dollar bills!!!!  Dayum girl, go sit in a tub of ice or something – cool dowwwwn!!!

I feel her pain though.

Sometimes Sam gets me a little hot and bothered.

Loved when Rachel and Finn had their little side chat at the kissing booth.  I don’t think Finn liked talking to her that much though because after he was done talking he started choking her. 

Noooo!!!  Kidding!!  He was giving her a necklace!!  You all so silly!!

Artie and Other Asian sang Michael Jackson and walked up walls…

and then Brittany stated the obvious…

“That’s my mans, he can’t walk!”

And then we were all like ‘oh, okay Glee.  That was a nice scene that had no relevency in the progression of the plot, okay, cool!  Thanks for that!’  And we all moved on.

Love the dynamic between Santana and Lauren.

“I’m from a place called Lima Heights Adjacent.  You know where that is?  It’s on the WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS.”

I love it even more when Lauren is smacking her around a bit.

We need more girl fights please, and thank you.

Finn and Quinn kissed….agggaaaaaainnnnn

But it was at the kissing booth and apparently they saw Fireworks but Sam doesn’t know that they saw Fireworks and we were all like ‘okay, that’s cool, whatever’ and we moved on…

TO THE GAP!

Yes, we’re back to Blaine, otherwise known as ‘the guy that, because of his presence, won’t allow Mercedes or Tina to ever have a storyline.’  Awesome.  Welcome Blaine.  First of all, I’ve worked in a Gap and I have to tell you that they wouldn’t let him be in there for five seconds singing that song without calling security.  Second of all….

THIS is the guy you’re going to sing to?!?!  WTF??!?!!  I’m sorry, but I can’t with that.  I also can’t….

…with Blaine and those stupid Pink glasses.  Because of this moment Darren Criss wore the glasses to at least 5 different award shows/outings/press ops, etc. and they annoyed me and made my life worse.  Also, the song.  I mean…’when I get you alone?’  Being sung to a guy in the Gap?  Innaprop!!  Right Kurt?

Oh that’s right, you’re sad because Blaine doesn’t like you.  Wah Wah.  Thems be the breaks kid.

Honestly if I was the Gap kid’s boss I’d be less pissed that he was being sung to by an accapella choir and more pissed that they were messing up my piles of lambswool sweaters.

So the Gap kid gets fired.  Let’s see if he’s cuter close up.

Mmmmmm nope.  Awful.  Awful awful. 

Not awful was Santana in a candy striper outfit.

HOT!!  She puts both Lisa Turtle and Carrie Bradshaw to shame.

Oh Gawd, Finn and Quinn AGAIN.

If she gets pregnant again, I’m outta here.

Gay gay gay, Blaine is sad and Kurt loves Blaine blah blah blah

So Santana gave Finn and Quinn mono.  I’m telling you, I’ve had mono more than once.  It’s awful.  And I totally looked like this.

But more yellow.  It’s the pits.  Quinn still looks kiiiinda gorgeous.  I’m telling you if she had mono her hair would NOT be curled because everything hurts including your hair.

What hurts me is how off-key Tina is sometime.

Like, when she very first started the song, not when she had the breakdown.

And it’s not like a little bit off key it’s practically the wrong note.  Between the songs she gets and her storylines….I feel ril bad for Tina.  She gets the SHAFT!

Oh gawd, Finn and Quinn lying down next to each other.

Like I said, if she gets preggo, I’m outta here.

Rachel was really cute when she was there taking care of Finn.

I have hopes for them still, I do.  Although feel free to drag it out a bit, I kinda like it when Rachel’s crazy and single.  I do not like it, however, when she sings Katy Perry.

Listen.  I like Katy Perry, I do.  But I do not need two of her songs two weeks in a row in my show.  Ryan Murphy, the show is doing just fine in the ratings, you do not need to give us Katy and Bieber and Gaga just because they’re hot right now.  Also? 

This is a fire hazard.

And with this?

I can’t.

Because everyone loves Breadsticks (and as they should) of course that’s where The Warblers would go to celebrate VDay.  And I bet one of them gets a solo…hmm….who will it be…..

Well obviously.

’twas cute when Kurt was singing to Rachel and Mercedes.

Sometimes I miss him being part of the Glee club.  Sometimes.  Not always.  Usually never.  But sometimes.

Ugh, seriously?  We’re going to try and make Sam and Santana work?  Really?  Samtana?  I don’t know that I approve.  But whatever.  Might as well try the 90,453th combination of lovahs in the Glee club.  Next week is debatable on how it’s going to be.  Sue is back and joins the Glee club (gawd) and Sam sings some Justin Beiber (gawd) and Rachel and Mercedes sing a song from Rent (yay!) 

All I know is that I hope there will be more pretty parties like this one.

Ahhhh.  Never more gorgeous.

Bachelor-Cap: Free Chris Harrison!! February 8, 2011

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We’re in Day #2 of BriTunes’ CAP-A-THON!!!!  Yesterday was Glee, and tomorrow will be Glee but as for today…..yeah baby, you know what today is…

THE BACHELOR!!!!

Oh.  There he is.

Looking pensive and sad while waiting for the girls to join him in Costa Rica.  Reflecting on all the amazing women he has left and which one will be the right one for him.  Or at least that’s what the producers want you to think.  In actuality he’s just staring at his massively bulging arm veins.

I suppose it’s better to stare at that than the alternative…

Shentweel.  Blurry, and always a pretty party.

One-on-one date!!!  Yay!!!  The girls are all excited to see who gets it!  No one is more excited though, than Brit.

See how she just sits there, bubbling over with excitement?!  I swear she’s a robot.  She’s the second coming of Small Wonder, you can quote me on that.

Crotch shot.

Damn you for wearing dark colored shorts Brad, damn you to hell!

So Chantaaaaal got the one-on-one date and she’s so excited and omg Brad a zip line?!?!  How fun!!!

Honestly Brad will use any excuse to get into a harness.  Little does he know, however, that Michelle is waiting halfway through the zip line with a pair of scissors.  Uh Oh!  Let’s hope there’s a net underneath!

I’m not sure if you’ve realized yet, but The Bachelor completely shafted us and guess who we haven’t seen yet this episode?  That’s right – CHRIS HARRISON!!!  Is he wearing a technicolor button down?  Is he wearing plaid?!  Paisley?!  A tutu?  WE’LL NEVER KNOWWWW!!!! 

Thankfully Brad is, yet again, wearing a cute shirt.

So I guess not all is lost.

Back at the ranch, Brit is REEEEEALLY excited that she’s going to take part in the group date.

I.  Have.  Never.  Been.  So.  Excited.  In.  My.  Life.  Battery.  Dying.  Must.  Recharge…….

Back on Chanteeeeel’s date, it rained.  So she had to go inside and change into dry clothes.  So OBVIOUSLY, being the hooker she is….

….what better choice of what to wear than one of Brad’s shirts!!  Do you think she’s wearing anything underneath that?  Judging by the way she’s angling her legs towards him and he’s looking down uncomfortably….I’m going to guess no.

She then thought the best course of action was to eat his face.

Take out “about” and “you” and what do you get?

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Next up was the group date and Brad, only wanting to put the girls in uncomfortable situations, thought it would be awesome to repel down a waterfall.  And of course Brad, needing to be the only special one, had to wear a different colored poncho than the rest of the girls.

Well, Michelle didn’t wear a poncho because she’s tough (read: crazy) and Emily just wore a black hoodie so she could match her cold, black heart that refuses to feel.

Michelle was SUUUUPER excited to be on a group date again.

And then she got mad at Brad because he was repelling with other girls.  Oh Michelle, so so rational.  Alls well that ends well though because look –

– Tit Soup.  When you got tit soup, nothing can go wrong.

Let us all now gaze upon the perfection that is Emily.

So beautiful.  I love her.  If only her heart wasn’t black and empty and prepared to dump Brad a few episodes down the road. 

I also have another major beef with Emily.  Honey – when you are making out with Brad in the tit soup, DON’T COVER HIS BACK TATTOO!!!!!!!

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Better. 

Michelle then decided that she wanted to drop by the house to see what Chanteeeel and Horse Teeth Alli were up to.

Chantweeel didn’t know it was really Michelle disguised as a Beetle so she scooped her up and threw her at Alli, who is deathly afraid of bugs.  Alli’s reaction was totally calm.

Honestly these girls should teach a seminar on “how to be a good friend” because they are perfect at it.  I don’t blame Alli one bit, my reaction would have been exactly the same. 

As the date was winding down, Michelle and Brad had a ‘heart to heart’ in the tit soup. 

And by ‘heart to heart’ I do mean that Michelle told him how all the other girls are awful and who he should send home and then he said he feels like he can’t do anything right.  Hmmm….where have I heard that before?

And yes, I stand by the fact that I should never, ever, be on the Bachelor because you know my ass would come off looking as crazy as Michelle.

Alli got the other one-on-one date and that lead us to the cutest thing ever seen on The Bachelor to date.

Hot guy on a horse with baby horses!!!!!  So cute!!!!!  Let’s see it again.

AHHH!!  So adorable!!!  I love it so much!!  Those horses are just so cute!  Ah…okay.  I think two times is enough.

Dayum, I said two times was enough, didn’t I?!  I like the picture but I don’t need to see it three times!!  Oh wait….that’s not…who?  Alli?  Oh that’s right.  Okay um…MOVING ON!

Brad brought Alli on a date that I would like to call ‘hell no.’ 

Spuelunking in a dark ass cave?

Hell no.

Bats and spiders in said cave??

Hell no. 

Putting a blanket down in RUNNING WATER and having a pretend picnic?

Hell to the no!  Bitch, get me back home. 

Their dinner date was a lot, a lot better.

A dinner in the middle of the tit soup!!  CUTE!! 

Well, cute until she told Brad she was falling for him and Brad pulled the ‘let’s just be friends’ card and sent her ass home forcing her to make this face.

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide those teeth.  To the car with you, Alli!

So sad, Alli really never stood a chance. 

Bad (type but I’m keeping it) goes back to his suite where he’s forced to sit and think about what he’s done when all of a sudden we hear a ‘knock knock knock’ on the door and a demon is standing there, waiting to devour him.

“HOLA.”

Ayup, Michelle, also known as “no time is an innapropriate time to talk” is here to tell you again how awful everyone is for you!  Brad, meanwhile, is totally thrilled to see her.

She responds to his cold advances by simply eating his face.

A tactic that usually seems to work.

Brad ‘blah blah blah blah’

and Michelle ‘blah blah blah blah.’

It’s like the same old same old with these two.  “I hate these girls, send them home.”  “Don’t tell me what to feel Michelle.”  For Michelle to do what she’s doing though, I mean, homegirl has got BALLS.  And judging by what appears to be an Adam’s Apple, I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually does have Balls.

I must pause to offer an apology to Sarah/Becky/Jon because I mean no offense to your friend.  But I only know her by what the producers of ABC’s “The Bachelor” have chosen to show me and I’m telling you – HOMEGIRL BE CRAZY.

Cocktail party time, yay! (seriously yay because my fingers are tired from typing)

Emily continues to have the perfect moments with Brad and sits with him in a HAMMOCK!

I love hammocks.  Won’t you sit with me in a hammock Brad Womack?  You can bring your tattoo….

Anyway, the cocktail party was kind of a snooze.

Chantaaaaaal continues to bring the classy by wearing her nicest leopard print mini dress…

Michelle ACTUALLY utters the phrase “I don’t know if I’m crazy or…”

(Psst.  The answer is yes)

Then, feeling like she may be in danger, she puts on the waterworks.

Damn girl, I know a theater major when I see one.

Hair stylist my ass.

Shentweeel does what she does best with Brad and that is shield him from the awkwardness that is her face…

…by eating HIS face.

Smashley is here too.

Moving on.

And then we come to Chantaaaaal.  Oooooh Chantttaaaaalllll.  Telling Brad, FOUR WEEKS IN, that she has FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HIM.

Bitch, don’t you know you’re not supposed to tell him that until AFTER he meets the families?!?!  Between this and her daddy issues, I’m seeing some major RED FLAGS!  He, of course, doesn’t really say anything back so instead of making it an awkward moment she just…(all together now)  “EATS!  HIS!  FAAAACE!”

She looks like an awful kisser, by the way.

Michelle finally lets Chris Harrison out of his cage

And he’s wearing, like, the most boring suit EVER.  Ugh.  Go away Chris Harrison.  You better bring it next week. 

 Small Wonder somehow gets a rose –

and the struggling artist goes home.

Are we surprised?  Not really.  Are we sad?  Not really.  Hell, I’m more pissed that she didn’t produce any tears.  The girls, however, are shocked.

Just kidding – they’re shocked because they’re going someplace TROPICAL NEXT WEEK!!!  SQUEEEEALLL!!!

As far as the preview is concerned, no back tattoo, but Brad titties were spotted.

So there’s hope!

Glee-Cap February 7, 2011

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My life yesterday and today can be summed up with the following words: 

1.  Cheese
2.  Beer
3.  Football
4.  The Grammy’s
5.  Glee

And yes you read that last one correctly – Glee is back, bitches!  Of course this means that I have to do a Glee-cap but that is hard when I have work, and a headache, and when Glee is, well, awful.

I said!  Glee last night was awful!!  First of all they shot their load way too early by releasing THREE of the FIVE musical numbers.  Basically anything that didn’t have zombie makeup involved in some way and they were like ‘okay you can watch it.’  Their big idea for the ‘attention grabber’ at the beginning of the episode included Katy Perry, BMX Bikers, fire, and bikinis.

I mean, I guess they’re trying to show the straight guys that Glee isn’t totally gay but…it all still seemed kinda gay to me.  Dianna Agron looks amazing in blue, however.

Also, I have made it my life’s goal to slap someone in the face with a chicken cutlet.

Some subplot about football and how they’re in the finals even though last season they had never won a game….

And then Beast is yelling because all of the players don’t get along with the Glee kids or something…

And then Sue wants to shoot a girl out a canon.  And now you’re all caught up on the entire episode’s plot.  Wasn’t that exciting?!  No structure, no plot advancement, nope.  Just some FUN SONGS and ZOMBIE MAKEUP…waaaahooo!!  Btw, am I the only one that cringes when Coach Beast yells?  The upper register of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard, I swear (by the moon and the stars and the sky).

The one redeeming moment of the first ten minutes, however, was this pretty pretty princess.

Come on….SPINOFF!!!! (crosses fingers)

Hey, did you hear the news?  Artie got slushied.

Honestly I’m so over the whole ‘slushy’ thing.  It doesn’t hurt, it’s not poisionous.  It’s just cold and stains your clothes – what’s the big deal?

Everyone’s mad that Artie got slushied so of course Will has to teach someone a lesson.  Because that’s what Will does. 

Snore.

Every musical number in this entire episode was so FORCED, it made me sick.  I couldn’t even enjoy Rachel and Puck singing together because it was clear they just needed something to fill space.  And that song?  Blarg.  The only redeeming thing about it was how Rachel blatantly sang it to Finn.

Am I seeing things or does Puck look awful 95% of the time.

It only gets worse when he smiles.  Seriously.  Stop giving this kid stuff to do.  Stick him in the background, put him on an alcohol detox, and let’s all move on with our lives. 

Ugh.  It just makes me so….

Redeeming moment #3:  Becky christening Sue’s canon.

Not as dirty as it sounds.

Of course a good Sue freak-out is always fun….

Yup, stiiiiiiill going…..

How she gets away with that, I’ll never know.  Because every time I throw a tantrum I have to pay for whatever I broke and people get mad at me.  No fair.

Will was full of cheese this whole episode (hey!  Me too!).  “OMG you guys, you’re going to sing Thriller and we’re going to mix it with the equally spooky “heads will roll” by the YEAH YEAH YEAAAAHHHHHSSSSS!”

Yes, nameless black football player, I feel the exact same way.

Dear Glee Producers:  STOP TRYING TO MAKE KAROFSKY A SEASON LONG STORY ARC!!!

NO ONE CARES!!

I do, however, care about Sue’s 2pm silent ‘ninja poops.’

A poop joke is always comedy gold.

I loved how, when Sam and Finn started to push each other Quinn just stood there like ‘really guys?’

Yo, let’s put some jello in a tub, take off their shirts and let them go at it!!

I can’t even express how lame I feel this next item is.

Yes Karofsky, I think that getting together and performing a number for five members of the Glee club is an AWESOME way to prepare ourselves for the halftime Thriller show.  What a perfectly acceptable way to spend time!!  And while I didn’t hate the song, honestly the way they were all just ‘zombie-ing’ all over the stage was a snoooooooze.

Mr. Shue, of course, loved it.

Go away William.

Just so you know, the pecking order at McKinley High goes like this.  Will Shuester<Dignity<Glee Club<Cheerios<Football Team<Sue Sylvester<Hockey Team.

Nice mullets.

Hey, remember this kid?

Yeah, the gay one with no teeth.  Exactly.  Well he’s back to entertain you in a completely random musical number set halfway through the episode!  Yayyyyyy!

The other gay one is back too.

And they flip!!  Wheeee!

This number, while vocally lovely, kinda of put me through it.  It truly had zero purpose.  And I’m sorry but Darren Criss is starting to get a little bit TOO into his musical numbers.

Less is more, dude.  Less is more.

Hey remember, this girl?!

Yeah, the black one.  Well she….oh wait…nevermind.  She still has no plotline.  Moving on.

Lauren rules my world.

Love that the girls joined the football team.  I mean, of course that would never happen but it opened the doors for a few funny moments.

Rachel would so be that girl grinning as she walks on the field.  I’d be that girl too.

Loved that Tina made a play

but hello of course she didn’t get super hurt just because she was tackled.  This is a main character, let’s get real people.

Oh I forgot to tell you the Cheerios quit Glee club but don’t worry, they’re back in it now.

Life moves fast here at McKinley.

Yay!!!  THRILLER TIME!!!!

Scary face!!!!

Another scary face!!!

And I can’t be the only one that found it odd that Artie had like, all of the solos in Thriller but due to his makeup his mouth never moved once.  Blarg.

I know they touted this Thriller scene as THE GREATEST THING GLEE HAS EVER DONE (much like THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER) but in all honesty it looked like something I could have put on in my backyard.

Seriously, just give me a fog machine and some Ben Nye makeup and I’m set.

Nothing was as gag worthy as Karofsky on the sidelines though.  He was all “ugh I hate you guys I’m not gay I’m not going to dance.’  But then he saw how much fun everyone was having

And he simply HAD TO JOIN IN!!

Suuuuuper gay of him.  Speaking of gay…

Don’t forget!!!

Kurt is STILL A CHARACTER!!!!

Blah blah blah football moves, people chanting “Brains, Brains Brains”

And McKinley wins.  Obviously.

Cue Katie Couric

(*cough*needless and pointless cameo*cough*)

Throw in a little drama and foreshadowing

And you have yourself the first Glee episode back from winter hiatus!! Yeeeeeeee HAAAAWWWW!!!!!

Despite the fact that next episode has Lea Michele shouting (literally shouting) Katy Perry’s “Firework” at us and also in the coming weeks we’re going to hear some……BIEBER……I have higher hopes for what’s to come.  And it better get better.  Because this episode stunk like rotten cheese.

Mmmmm….cheeeeeeese……

Cheese Hangover February 7, 2011

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Here we go Green Bay, here we go!!

The guy on the left needs a haircut, here we go!!

Aaron Rodgers is cu-ute, don’tcha know?!

Here we go Green Bay, here we go!!

I ate too much cheese last night.

THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER!!! February 1, 2011

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Tonight, on the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER!!!!!!

I mean…..give me a break.  Isn’t every season “the most dramatic season ever?”  Exactly.  So why are you leading me astray Chris Harrison?  That’s just rude.  Speaking of rude…

NO Technicolor Button Down AGAIN?!?!?!  The scanDAL!  He did gay it up a bit with the paisley though, so I guess he’s trying.  In all honesty tonight’s episode was kiiiiiind of amazing.  I mean, it was JAM PACKED!!  I didn’t get a chance to watch it last night so watching it today I’m like, squealing and giggling in my seat at the ridiculousness.  I started screen grabbing and I literally could not stop.  So thank you, ladies, for being so tragic.  You make all of our lives better.

Chris Harrison continues to surprise all the girls very early in the morning to tell them about their dates of the week.  “Surprise!!”

And Shental/Shawntal continues to be the prettiest flower of the bunch.

Surprise!!  Ya’ll are going to VEGAS!!!!!

This guy greated Brad at the hotel by saying that they were ‘honored and privilaged to have him there.’

Uh….dude?  Have you MET the Bachelor before?  Have you SEEN the show the Bachelor?  I don’t know if ‘honored and privilaged’ are really the words you should be using.  Brad however, rocked out another adooooorable shirt.

I just don’t know how he does it.

The Gap worker was super sad because she wasn’t getting and one-on-one time with Brad. 

Honey, there’s like five girls with long brown hair.  Brad probably thinks he’s spending time with you when in actuality it’s Chentel Shawteel the Funeral Director, who got the first date of the week.

Technicolor outfits!!!

Wait, wasn’t this a scene out of “Dumb and Dumber?”  Dressing Room Montage!!!!!

Cheetnal is a lucky bitch because she could go into any store in the Vegas mall and buy whatever she wanted with ABC’s money.  Um….JEALOUS!!!

Michelle was, of course, SUPER happy for her.

But wait!!  Her date isn’t done yet!! She still has the night date, and all of the girls were SUPER happy to see how pretty and happy she looked.

I actually thought that their date was awesome – dinner on the roof of the hotel.

I know I’ve hated on Shenteel before but honestly I thought that her date w/ Brad was really cute.  She was funny, she had the right amount of flirt going on, she opened up to Brad…like when she told him about embalming people.  “Think of all of our orifices.”

Brad actually wasn’t offended by that statement, he just couldn’t look at her caveman forehead.  But actually, in her newly bought Fendi dress Chentewl did look pretty.

Nevermind.

Then there was fireworks in the sky and the pair watched them with their signature ‘catch me and hold me’ move

thusly proving just how lame Shantshawl really is.

So yeah, Ashley and Ashley ended up getting the two-on-one date, which meant that one of those girls would be going home DURING the date.  Michelle was really upset about this.

And by ‘upset’ I mean ‘happy.’

For the group date they all went to the Race Track (yay dead race track finace!) and I have to admit….Brad looked ril good in his outfit.

Michelle showed us all how much she likes racing

and then we had this shot.

I can’t.

The producers whispered something in Brad’s ear about Emily’s dead fiance and so he brought her aside to talk about feelings.

Emily is amazing.  I just love her so much.  To actually get in that race car

and then actually drive around the track?

I mean, hello.  That bitch KNOWS her story is good tv.  You better WERK Miss Emily!!!

Yay!!!  A pool date!!!  The girls are all in bikinis so we’re SURE to see some back tattoo action from Brad!  Fingers crossed.

The Hollister worker sat down with Brad and IMMEDIATELY started crying b/c she didn’t get as much time with him as Emily did.

Brad handled this sudden output of emotion really well.

Then it was Tits McGee Shanteeel’s turn.

Brad, in the most robot voice EVER asked her to ‘please don’t cry baby.’  He then said ‘hey bitch grab that oil can over there because my joints be gettin’ STIFF!’  Speaking of things getting stiff….

Michelle likes to rub up on Brad.  A lot.  Maybe that’s why he’s in “BJ pose.”  Either way, it all makes me very uncomfortable.  You know what doesn’t make me uncomfortable?

Brad’s love for Emily.  You know he looooove her!!  As do we all!  Yayyyyy Emily!

So wait – you’re telling me that the group date is done, they were around the pool the whole time and NO BACK TATTOO!?!??!?!?!?!?  Blasphemy.

Blech.  Now we have to move on to the two-on-one date.  Snooze.  Ashley and Smashley.  Brad thinks it’ll be a blast to take them to some Elvis Cirque d’ Solei Moon Frye show on the strip and better yet….you’re going to be IN THE SHOW!!  But wait, only ONE of you will be in the show because the other one will be crying in a limo because their ass just went HOME.  This does not make Ashley happy, so she stands under the Elvis statues’ crotch.

The camera man TOTALLY placed her there on purpose.

Wait aminute – a black person on The Bachelor?!

What the hell is that doing there?!

Next the producers are super mean because they put Brad in black shorts so we miss out on all the harness crotch that Brad has to offer.

Rude.

I know Ashley, I’m sad about it too.

Oh wait, you’re crying because he picked fivehead Smashley over you!?  Oops, my bad.

Jeez, I’m sorry, okay?  It was an honest mistake.  You don’t have to cry like a big baby or anything.

So immediately after dumping one girl Brad goes inside, tells Smashley he’s doing “great” and then proceeds to eat her face.

Appropriate.

So when all was said and done we never got back tattoo this episode but we did get…..

Harness Crotch!!!!  Brad Mooseknuckle!!! WAHOOO!!!!

While Brad and Smashley are in the air performing, Elvis is singing ‘are you lonesome tonight,’ Smashely has a voiceover that she had the ‘best night ever’…..and then we see how the other Ashley is doing in the limo.

Yup.  Stiiiiiiiiill crying.

Smashley takes one last look at Brad’s crotch…

and then we call it a night. 

This ass-hat comes back

and so do Chanteel’s Garbanzo’s.

Hey – you could be going home tonight, might as well pull out all the stops, no?

Brad makes Gap Girl feel “special”

and I fall a little more in love with him.  I mean, with the show.  I mean, with his tattoo.  Yes, that’s it.  His tattoo.

This girl makes a last ditch effort by writing Brad a ‘cute’ note….

which I guess when you’re an A Cup that’s really all you can do….

…and then Michelle proves to all of us that she’s really not crazy.

Which, of course, is a lie.  Because she sits on Brad’s lap, TELLS HIM NOT TO TALK, says how she’s the only girl for him and he needs to send more girls home, grabs his face and tells him again not to talk and then looks lovingly in his eyes.

Seriously, it’s like the Joker.  I have to admit though – I was dying during this moment.  She was so domanatrix I was like, ‘ GET IT Michelle.’  And you KNOW when Brad stood up he had a giant boner.  He likes girls to slap him around a bit. 

Then Brad sends home….this girl….

Who apparently is named “Lisa.”  Who knew?!  She takes the news really well…

And by ‘really well’ I mean ‘not at all.’ 

Then Brad makes the wise decision to send home ‘note girl’ (seriously girls, writing guys notes is a BAD idea.  Trust me, I used to do it all the time in 7th grade) and she also takes it well.

Honestly though I’d be crying less about Brad and more about the fact that the show sent me home in A CAB.

A VEGAS CAB, no less.  That’s just degrading.

We then were treated to a preview of the rest of the season.  Excuse me.  The rest of the “MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR SEASON EVER!!!!” 

It included more harnesses…..

More of Michelle giving Brad a boner…

More of massive Shantweeel boobies….

And…YES!!!!!! MORE MASSIVE BACK TATTOO!!!!!!

I honestly love it so much, I want to give it a name and take it as my pet.

A preview scene that worried me though…

Brad crying…a blonde girl…Yo…EMILY IS TOTALLY GOING TO BREAK HIS HEART!!!

Dammit, now I’m actually invested in this show…I hate myself so hard row….Damn you Brad Womack….damn you to hell.