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Snarky Royal Wedding Commentary April 29, 2011

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The title of this post says it all.

Sure, they look lovely, but who is that troll in the background?  Someone paper bag her face, quick!

He’s totally hiding his boner.

That girl looks like a character I saw once in an X-Men cartoon.  She should go hang out with Paper Bag Face.

Kate’s sister is named ‘Pipa.’  I can’t.  No Pipa’s allowed.  Only “Pippi’s” and only if your last name is “Longstocking.”

No matter gay, straight or bi, lesbian, transgendered life, your eyes should have gone immediately to the hot ginger in the carriage.  So frickin’ hot.  And he was born that way.

Tramp.

Blarg, and here come the gays, always having to make an entrance.  I’m surprised Sir Elton and David didn’t ride in rainbow unicorns.

I don’t know who this chick is but she gives more dirty looks than Cruz Beckham.

Speaking of that awful devil child….


Yes Posh, yes.  Work that hat.  Work those shoes.  And I’m sorry but David Beckham has never looked better.  He is GIVING me hair.   He is GIVING me tails.  He is GIVING me Disney Prince.

And he’s also giving me teeth.  And wrinkles.  And…since when does David Beckham look so old?  It’s probably Cruz putting him through it.  That’ll age anyone.

Ladies.  We already have one of you and her name is Lady Gaga.  We don’t need any more.  Kthxbyee.  You know Kate is pissed too – she’s all “that bitch’s hat upstaged my entire wedding!”

Sir, I don’t know who you are, but yes.  Just….yes.

Yeah, I see you in the background there judgy mcjudgy but watch it – you’re wearing a British cowboy hat and you’re about 30 pounds overweight.  Those in glass houses…

I know we’re supposed to be looking at those ladies but my question is…when did Bill Clinton get invited to the wedding?

See:  Previous Lady Gaga comment.

Ah!  Teeth!  Glasses!  Makeup!  Broach!  I can’t!!

I wonder if her hat gets HBO AND Cinemax, or just the basic channels?

That lady’s hat is a vagina.  I’m just sayin.’

ASS!!

And with one shot this turned from a Royal Wedding into “Sister Act.”

Annnnnd now it has turned from “Sister Act” into a meeting of the United Nations.  Seriously, what IS this wedding anyway?

Aw, they’re really cute.  And I really loved her dress.  But you can tell homegirl DIETED before this wedding.  I mean, she used to be a normal size and now she’s all Audrina’d out.  I want her diet/eating disorder.


Hear ye, hear ye, you two are married.  British stuff, British stuff, British stuff, tea, crumpets, teeth, blah blah blah.  Huzzah!

Jucie Cleanse Recap April 29, 2011

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THE JUICE CLEANSE IS OVER!!!!!!!

Well, technically the juice cleanse was over last night at 9pm when I was forced to eat some cucumber slices due to the fact that the company forgot to send me Juice #5, but whatever.  Technicalities.  I think the cleanse, in the end, was a positive thing and I was surprised at how well I was able to stick to the system.  I never cheated, except for the cucumbers on the very last night.  Well, the cucumbers and the carrots.  And the Starburst.  But that was it!

I didn’t really lose any weight, per se, but I noticed the difference in my body and that’s really all I wanted.  I also hope that it shrunk my stomach some – you know I was eating for two people most of the time!  Was it worth the money?  Meh.  I guess.  I just know that I really missed food – surprisingly I didn’t miss booze hardly at all.  Eating so far today has been an interesting experience.  They say to just eat fruit this first day but I ain’t even all about that.  I had a smoothie for breakfast and a small green salad with avocado, cumber, edamame, and Broccoli for lunch and it feels weird for a bit when I first eat it, but I was told that.  I’m really looking forward to having some more solid foods, but if there’s one thing that this cleanse has taught me it’s that my body doesn’t need everything that I put into it.

So apparently there was a royal wedding?  Honestly I thought it was tomorrow.  Anyway, I guess someone posted pictures of the wedding and then said funny things about the pictures.  I was challenged to write funnier captions.  And so I shall.

In the next post.

Glee-Cap April 27, 2011

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Glee is back!  But not just Glee, GOOD Glee!  Okay, that might be stretching it a bit, how about….okay Glee.  Better than average Glee.  Gaga Glee.  Whatever you want to call it.  This episode was all about self-love (not THAT kind of self-love) and self-acceptance and lordy oh lord were we BEATEN over the head with that theme.  Honestly, if I heard one more time that I was “born this way” I was going to jump off a bridge.  Another theme that was featured heavily in the episode, was Rachel’s NOSE.

Yes, Yes, Finn can’t dance and so he broke Rachel’s nose.  That some domestic abuse right there!!  “Can’t dance?”  Puh-leaze.  More-O hits me all the time and then he’s like ‘oh, I’m sorry, I’m just dancing.’  I don’t buy it for a second Finn!!

Was it just me or was that nose doctor a real douche bag?

Dr. Douchebag.  He was all ‘get a nose job!  Get a nose job!  Everyone’s doing it!’  Doesn’t he know that peer pressure is supposed to stay INSIDE of the school?  The doctor’s office should be a safe haven, I mean really.

Yes, Rachel’s nose was put through it this episode (I mean, weren’t we as well?) and the director of the episode made sure to show us all the various states of disaster her nose went through.

RACHEL NOSE MONTAGE

Unless Lea Michele and I are doing coke in a bathroom together, I hope to never be this close to her nose ever again.  F’reals.

And no mother, I don’t really do coke.  It was a joke.  Because I’m a silly bloke.  Now go on Facebook and give me a poke!

Yayyyy!!  It’s fixed!!  Thank God, that was one long-ass montage.

I don’t know about you, but to me Santana was nothing but perfection this episode.  Even this outfit

is perfect.  I mean, it’s crazy, but it’s perfect.  I love her more and more each episode.  Brittany who?  It’s all about ‘Tana!

You know who it’s not about?

T-T-T-Tina.  Eeeegaad what a debbie downer.  I couldn’t even bring myself to care about her Asian trouble this episode and I am very CLOSE with an Asian who wears blue contacts!  She spouted off something about self-acceptance and my attention waned then this ass-hat came on the screen

and he started talking about loving yourself and God knows what and all I could think was “I’M ON A JUICE FAST RIGHT NOW!  I DON’T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SELF-LOVE BULLSHIT!  I NEED A CHICKEN TO EAT!”

And then I calmed down.

I loves me some Emma but she is cuKOO!!!

Cute of Will to help Emma polish her grapes though.  Wait…that doesn’t sound right.

Love that Santana was just nonchalantly drawing gaffitti on Quinn’s poster.

The writers seem to forget Brittany, Quinn and Santana were besties.  They also seem to forget a lot of things.  Like how to write cohesive storylines, for instance.

Hey Artie – you got somethin’ on your face.

Yeah, yeah, you got some STUPID on your face.

Hey Will.  You know what I don’t accept?

YOU.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.  It’s the juice fast talking.  Pay no mind to me.  Pay mind instead to…

THE GINGERS!!

Introducing Lauren Zitzes as a young child.

That girl looks like she could eat the trophy, the crown, the flowers, AND that woman’s hand.  Or maybe that’s MY stomach talking.

This episode gave us a glimpse into very special “firsts” in our kids’ lives.  For example:

Quinn’s first mugshot.

And:

Rachel’s first trip to the gyno.

In all honesty though, how much I did I love the “Unpretty/I Feel Pretty” mash-up.  Sounded great, and I love how it was shot.  Brava on a successful musical number.

Pretty Party #1

Seriously, are they Amish?  Polygamists?  I mean…what the what?

How much do I have a little bit of a crush on Dave Karofsky?

Sure he’s a closeted bully, but you know he could throw you around a little bit and make you l-ike it!

Santana’s best line ever:

“The only Straight thing about me is that I’m a straight up bitch.”

Word, Santana.  Word.

I know the director was trying to go all ‘artsy’ with this shot looking THROUGH the lockers, but it just bugged me.

And it totally doesn’t make sense.  I mean, don’t Quinn and Finn SEE the camera pointing back at them?

I get what Finn was going for in this song.

I get it.  You’re embracing the fact that you can’t dance by dancing with Mike and singing “I gotta be me.”  I get it.  I just don’t approve of it.  Lame.  Mr. Shue, however…

Lllllllllllooooved it.  “Woo Hoo!”  Gag.  Part of me just think he wants to get in on Tina and Mike’s love-fest.

Perv.

I also get what he was going for by trying to make Emma eat unwashed fruit but…

doesn’t he know that’s like, not healthy for anyone?  Not just germ-a-phobes?  I mean, I recommend that everyone should wash their fruit.  Speaking fruit I want to wash…

Why does Dave look so white in this picture?  Is it because he’s standing next to Figgins?  Looks like someone took a powderpuff and threw it all over his face.

Michelle was asking where the black guy was that used to be on the football team.  Michelle, are you talking about this guy?

Because, um…he’s in like, every episode.  We are watching the same show, right?  😉

Berets.

I can’t.

Serious talk/Kurt making David start a PFLAG chapter with him.

I can’t.

I did think that Puck and Rachel talking in the girl’s bathroom was really cute.  Rachel’s face?

Not s’cute.

Don’t know if you heard or not but the gay kid is back.

So I guess that means we’ll be saying goodbye to Darren and the Warblers.  This makes me sad.

But then I see Blaine playing an old time piano in a schoolyard

and I’m not as sad.

The good news, I guess, is that Blaine will be staying around for a while so we’ll have more of his big eyebrows and his big mouth.

Huzzah!

The gay kid has keys around his neck.

I’m willing to bet not one of them is the key to my heart.

So yeah, Kurt is back.  Yay?  Nay?  I don’t really care either way (there I go with the rhyming again).  I do like seeing him back in New Directions again but his big reunion song was just….

I mean it fit really well in the circumstance but it was so

Damn.

LONG!!  We get it!  Kurt is back!!  We already saw!  We don’t need a fifteen minute song to tell us about it again!

Me in 2011?  Quinn Fabray.

Me in High School?

Lucy Caboosey.

I wish I ran down hallways in slow motion as elegantly as Quinn does though.

She done be ril pretty.

So then we have a scene at the mall and we all know that means only one thing – a flash mob.  Great.  And for what exactly?  To show Rachel that she shouldn’t get a nose job?  With some “Barbara Streisand” song?  I mean…wait…WHAT?

This many kids on an escalator isn’t as fun as they make it seem.

It’s just plain unsafe!

Of course in flash mobs all of the grandmas and fat ladies get solos because apparently that’s what happens.

All that happened to me during the flash mob was the OPPOSITE of Rachel’s face.

Meaning I frowned.  I did not like it.  And I do not have a big nose.

Apparently Emma learned acting from the “Lauren Conrad School of Single Mascara Tear.”

Her scene with the therapist was cute though, and vaguely reminiscant of my therapy sessions – chair cleaning and all.

Blarg!!!!

Do I like Quinn and Finn or doing I?!?!?!  I thought I liked him and Rachel together?!?  I don’t know WHAT to think?!?!!

PRETTY PARTY #2

I like that Lauren and Quinn are cool now but…

what is it about Quinn befriending all of the fat girls?  First Mercedes and now Lauren?  Does she have like, post-pregnancy guilt or something?

Ooooooooh, it’s time for the “big” BORN THIS WAY number!  Emma and Will went all scrapbook and had everyone make shirts about what they were born with that society deems ‘odd.’  I, for one, really want Santana’s shirt.

Someone please make one for me, kthxbyee.

Will’s shirt shouldn’t have said “butt chin.”

We all know what it should have said.  It starts with the letter “I” and ends with “am inappropriate with teenagers.”

Hey Gay kid –

We know.  Enough already.

Hey Sam –

I like your trouty mouth.  Now take off your shirt.

Emma’s moment with Will was really cute

but I think I’ve had enough of her opening her shirt to me.  Four times in one episode is quite enough.

Poor Santana, just sittin’ in the audience being a lezzbian.

She so sad.  But…I mean…did no one on stage see her sitting out there in the audience?  Did they not say ‘hey Santana come sing with us?’  I’s confused.

I have no funny caption for this picture, I just like it.

You know what I don’t like?  JUICE FASTS.

Dear Sarah from Brothers and Sisters… April 26, 2011

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What the HELL are you wearing?

This show has honestly gotten so bad.  It’s like, one paternity test after another, one baby struggle after another.  While I was initially quite happy they killed off Rob Lowe I wish they had kept him because I’m not really loving him on my Parks and Rec.  I hope this show gets canceled this year so I don’t have to keep up with it next season!

I’m on Day 1 of the juice cleanse.  So far I’m two juices in and they are G-Ross.  I’m hungry and I’m on edge.  And I have peed a LOT.  But I’m a gonna stick with it!!!  I’ve had some friends be pretty supportive so far so that has been helpful.

I want a hamburger.

(Muffin) Top of the World April 25, 2011

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Oh Lord, what I did I just get myself into?

I am doing a juice fast.  Yes, a juice fast.

I feel like I’ve done some good research and I’ve heard both sides of the story as far as healthy juice fasts are concerned.  Some people say it’s total bullshit and that you can just eat healthier and drink more water and you’ll see results.  Others have praised this particular fast, saying they felt better and they noticed a difference.  I’m kind of on the fence as far as how it is going to affect me.   There really is one reason, and one reason alone I am doing this cleanse.

My damn Muffin Top!!!  I have very cute shirts for this summer and very cute shirts from last summer and there is no way I’m going to not wear them.  I get to the gym when I can, I am eating very healthy (except for candy) so I’ve decided that this cleanse will be a good jump start to get rid of the MT.  Don’t hate, appreciate.  Cause you know you’ll all come knockin’ when I’m fresh HOT!!

Had a lovely weekend with myself – got a massage, saw the girls and Matt, went to the gym – but I did miss More-O.  Good thing he came home with a basket full of candy for me (damn you candy!)

Glee is filming in New York today.  Five years ago Brian wanted to go down to Times Square and stalk them but then 2011 Brian was like ‘ugh.  That’s like, 10 blocks away and you’d have to deal with all of the crowds and you probably wouldn’t even see anything…blarg.’  So I stayed away.  Far, Far away.  Doesn’t mean I’m not obsessed with watching their dance number on the live Times Square cam though….

Tomorrow?  GLEE GOES GAGA part 2.  I have faith that it is going to be a good episode and if it’s not…you’ll hear about it from me!

Glee-Cap April 20, 2011

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Oh Glee, you make me sad.

First you go away for weeks.  Weeks. So then you come back but the first thing you give me a crap-tastic episode about some Legion of Doom and Sunshine and MORE Gwenyth.  And then.  Oh, and then.

Math?!  Really?  MATH??!!!!  You start the episode out with MATH?  Bitch, I don’t watch you so I can do math, who do you think I are?

I used to be sad that Asian Mike didn’t talk.  After this episode I’m like ‘yo, Asian Mike, don’t talk.’

Because his little moment o’ whine came out of NOWHERE.  We’re talking about math and then all of a sudden Asian Mike is like ‘ya’ll complain too much?  Brainiacs don’t get any money?’  WHAT?  We go from winning Regionals (Sectionals?  What did they just win?) to a subplot about the Brainiacs going to a competition?  Bitch this isn’t “Mean Girls.”  We don’t need to know about the Brainiacs.  We need to know about what is going to happen to Sue now that she punched out that one lady!  We need to move forward with the plot, not back!  I take two steps forward, and you Glee, keep taking two steps back.

One good thing came out of Brainiacs though:

We learned Brittany likes Dots.  She and I have that in common.  I love me a good Dot.  You know what I don’t love?

Sunshine. 

I mean Sunshine the character/actress.  I actually quite enjoy real sunshine.  Of course, I do like myself a rainy day here and there but for the most part sunny days are great.  I digress.

Truly I think Charice was cast because she has a great voice but when the writers discovered she CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH they cut her role back.  Now that it’s the end of the season it’s time to wrap it up and by ‘it’ I mean ‘her storyline.’

In addition to her being back this episode we also revisit three people that have been lacking in storylines.

Might want to add Idina, Jesse St. James, Burt and his new bride, Mercedes/Puck/Finn/every other cast member that isn’t Chris Colfer or Gwenyth Paltrow to that list.

Oh yeah!  Did ya hear?!  Gwenyth is back this episode!  To celebrate that, I would like to show a picture of Matt Morrison eating a piece of pizza.

Done and done.

This whole ‘Night of Neglect’ theme that was going on in the episode really confused me.  I literally had this face on for the majority of the episode.

I understand the concept just fine but the artists that they chose?  I mean…ugh.  I’ll get to that later.

No Charice!  You can shut yo damn mouth!

Bitch I said shut it!

Out of the three songs she’s sang on this show, two of them she sang on YouTube long before she ever came on Glee.  She’s useless.  Show us something new!  Show us something we haven’t seen clips of on Oprah!

Is is just me…

Or is Puck’s mohawk lopsided?  I feel like it should be moved over a few inches…whatever.  You’re old Mark Saling!  Old!!

Hey Glee – here’s what you’re not gonna do.  You’re not going to give us great, great talents like Idina Menzel, Jonathan Groff and John Uncle Jesse Stamos and then use them sparingly and give them shitty storylines, only to have them peter out at the end.  That’s what you’re not gonna do.

Oh wait.  Yes you are.

From the looks of it, Gwenyth studied from the “Lea Michele school of how to look pensive while staring through a window.”

Speaking of her royal highness…

WHERE ARE THE BANGS??!!  Might a certain someone be growing them out for season 3?  That deserves a High 10!!

Gee….thanks Gwenyth.

I’m not gonna lie and say I haven’t enjoyed G Paltrow in the past but this episode she was a snooze fest.  Even her dress-up character was boring.  Where is the sexy inappropriate teacher that dances with students while wearing short skirts?!  I miss her.

I’ve also missed you, Mr. Cheyenne Jackson.

You and your sexy-ass face.

Mercedes is a diva.

Which we all knew.  Moving on.

Oh hey – gay kids.

Boring.  Moving on.

Oh hey look – it’s Santana!

“I got razor blades in my hair.  Alllll up in there.  Might they be taking the lesbian stereotype a bit far?  I mean, I know Santana likes girls now but not all lesbians have razor blades in their hair.  Most, but not all.

So the Night of Neglect concert.  I have some issues with this shit.  First of all, what the hellll is a Lykke Lii and why the hell is Tina singing something by her?

To the best of my knowledge, a ‘new and upcoming’ artist shouldn’t be considered ‘neglected.’  FAIL.

Becky yelling out “kiss my ass?”

WIN.

Asian Mike Dancing?

FAIL.

Asian Mike dancing to JACK JOHNSON?  DOUBLE FAIL.  Asian Mike dancing with a mop wearing a dress?

I can’t.

Gwenyth had a ‘The More You Know’ life lesson session with the hecklers in the library.

Boo!!  No one wants to learn life lessons!  Bring back fun Gwenyth!

Diva Mercedes was all upset that she wasn’t given the final spot in the concert and that she never gets to have the spotlight so she went to go kill herself in her car.  Thankfully Rachel stopped her in time and told her some random story about why Aretha Franklin is called ‘The Queen of Soul.’

I have a few problems with this.  While sure, I will say that lately Mercedes has been a bit of a neglected performer, might I just say that….BITCH YOU GET SOLOS ALLLLL THE TIME!!  If there is a group song, 9 times out of 10 homegirl has some big notes and has a chance to shine!!  I know this because on Glee Karaoke her notes are hard to hit.  So she needs to calm it down a bit and not make it all about ‘her.’  Take a lesson from Gwenyth Paltrow.  She never makes it all about her.

Oh wait, yes she does.

While I think Gwenny has a fine voice, she should not be singing an Adele song.  Her vocal timbre is too thin for that type of a song.  Also – ADELE IS NOT A NEGLECTED ARTIST.  HER ALBUM IS #1 ON THE BILLBOARD CHARTS AND HAS BEEN SINCE FEBRUARY.  WHY ARE YOU SINGING ADELE AT A NEGLECTED ARTISTS CONCERT?  Sing some All-4-One!  Some Monica!  Some Des’ree!!  Some Alanis Morissette!  Some Eagle Eye Cherry!  Now THOSE are neglected artists!  It’s all so painful.

Makes me want to hurt someone.  Or throw a bird at someone’s head.

Boom.  Wish come true.

So question – why did NO ONE but Sunshine’s Twitter followers, three hecklers, and the gay boys come to the concert?  I mean, really?  Every person that came followed Sunshine on Twitter?  Where were the parents?  Where were the teachers?  Why was this MASSIVE choir and orchestra backing up Mercedes and not sitting their asses in the damn seats?  WHY WHY WHY??!!

Yeah, I don’t know.  And something tells me Ryan Murphy doesn’t either.

So Gwenyth lives in London so naturally she can’t be on Glee for more than three episodes so she’s gotta break up with Will.

I’m fine with that though.  I could use a Gwenyth detox for a bit (I could also use a Warbler detox and a Mr. Shue/Chris Colfer extermination).  Before Gwenny left though, she had to have one last dramatic shot.

I can’t.  Also “I Can’t?”

Will:  Please say you’ll come back and visit
Holly:  I thought you’d never ask.

GAG.

Hey nerds –

ENOUGH WITH THE BRANIACS!!  Gag.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give this episode a

BUT with that being said,  I have high hopes for the 90 minute “Born This Way” episode next week, the return of Jesse St. James and Kristen Chenowith, and NO MORE GWENNY.  There’s hope for Season 2 yet!

Five Fun Faces With Gary Busey April 18, 2011

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And this has been today’s edition of “Five Fun Faces With Gary Busey.”

AS IF! April 15, 2011

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Once upon a time I thought of myself as a very nice person.  Then I had a phase where I was like ‘you know, I’m actually not that nice.’  I feel like at the moment I’m back on the up and up, in terms of ‘niceness.’  I mean, I’m a bitch but I believe in karma, and do my best to be positive and give nothing but good vibes to the world.  You know, what goes around comes around and all that shit.  But I am not one to back down and if you mess with me, you bet your bottom dollar that my bitch ass is going to mess with you back.  Allow me to set the scene for you.

Last night, I had made plans with a big group of dodgeballers to see Scream 4 at midnight.

Scream 4, by the way, was friggin awesome and I was so happy to have seen it opening night with a big group of drunken friends.  It made the experience really stand out and I had a blast.  But I digress.  So before the movie, we met up at this really classy bar Pieces.  And by ‘classy’ I mean ‘dive bar.’  But it’s still one of my favorites.  On Thursday night they have this thing called ‘Post Office’ where everyone is wearing a number and you can write notes to someone you think is cute, or to your friends, or whatever and put it in their ‘mailbox.’  Then they get mail and they find out someone likes them or blah blah blah.

So we all have our numbers and are playing beer pong and chatting and having a great time.  I look over and there are a group of boys by the bar/ATM who are looking our way and looking my way in particular.  Because I had just gone to the gym and was wearing a cute shirt I was like ‘aw yeah, I still got it’ and was feeling totally confident.  These three boys weren’t especially unattractive, but they definitely weren’t much to write home about either.  I didn’t think much of it.  Later on in the evening I go to the bar to get a drink and I ended up standing by this group of boys.  I notice them looking at me and, again, I’m feeling great and super confident.  All of a sudden I hear ‘eh.  He’s all right.  He looked better over there.’  And another chimed in:  “oh!  he’s like a Monet!  Cute from far away but up close a big ol mess!”

ExCUUUUUUUUSe me?!?!  A MONET?!?!!!!  Now listen.  I know I’m no Brad Pitt but I am not that awful looking and I think that my look has evolved and only gotten better over the years.  I have a boyfriend who thinks I’m attractive sometimes and these 22-year olds can shove it!!!!  A Monet.  Why I never.  I know you might say ‘well they probably weren’t talking about you’ but it was quite obvious that they were.  Totally offended, I went back to my group of dodgeball friends and they all assured me I’m not a Monet and blah blah blah.  Friends have to tell you that.  It’s their job.  But I was not about to just sit back and let these moderately attractive boys call me a MONET!!!

I could say something to their face.  But that might lead to me throwing a drink at them and getting kicked out of the bar.  So let’s see…well it is Post Office night.  What a perfect opportunity to send mean and anonymous messages to them!!  I had my spies look to see what numbers they were wearing, and I plotted my snarky revenge.

One of the boys had bad teeth (easy) but he was also wearing the male version of a choker.  So I wrote to him “Hey nice choker.  What is it, 1995 again?”  OH, SNAP!!!

Another of the boys, the one who came up with “monet” was slightly overweight.  By by ‘slightly’ I mean he was probably 5 pounds heavier than me.  But I was very mad at him so I wrote “I don’t know if you got the memo but ‘fat’ was in LAST year.”  Yeah, Yeah, it’s easy to make fun of weight but whatever.  He called me a monet.

The third guy was the most attractive of the bunch and he had lovely long eyelashes so there really wasn’t much to say about him.  So since they stole “Monet” from Clueless I decided to also borrow from that genius of a movie.  I simply wrote to him:  “You’re a virgin, who can’t drive.”  SNAP!!!

I know this all sounds VERY juvenile.  Believe me, as I type it out I can’t believe I stooped to their level.  But while they called me names, I simply chose instead to destroy them with my wit.  Well, that and making fun of their weight.  But whatever.  That will teach them not to fuck with me.  A MONET!!!!!!!!

The best part about this is that they immediately started complaining to management about these meanies who were sending them messages – and they thought it was someone else.  I’m so genius in my attack they didn’t even know it was me.  Now kids I don’t condone making fun of people based on their weight.  But if someone calls you a “Monet” you have the right to use any means of insult necessary.  And really – a choker?  I mean come on….

Maybe the moral of the story is that I need to be more confident in my own attributes and my own self.  It’s so funny how I can feel like this crazy confident person and the minute someone thinks I’m unattractive or I have a moment of weakness emotionally I turn into this self-conscious person who is all up in his head.  But that’s where I can recognize my faults and where I can learn that I have an opportunity for growth.  And besides, maybe being a “Monet” isn’t that bad afterall…

And I Miss You (like the desserts miss the rain) April 14, 2011

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While watching “American Idol” last night, one thing was going through my head:  “I miss Pia.”  It’s not that Pia was super interesting, and it’s not that I thought she was going to win,  but her voice is perfect and amazing and each week I was excited to hear what she was going to sing.

During my time of missing Pia, I thought to myself ‘what else is this show missing?’

I hate to say it, but it’s true!!  I really enjoyed Steven, J.Lo and Randy in the audition rounds but mostly because they were edited well.  In the live shows Steve makes zero sense, J.Lo is there to be nice and look pretty, and Randy is Randy.  But Simon, no matter what, was articulate and gave the proper criticism.  I miss him greatly.  He is the reason I am looking forward to “X Factor.”  Him and his boobies.

After that I was like ‘well okay, I miss those two from American Idol, who do I miss from other shows?’  As far as my scripted shows are concerned, the majority of my favorite characters are still on the show.  I mean, sure I miss Edie from “Desperate Houswives,” but who doesn’t?  And I miss Rebecca from “Brothers and Sisters” but not enough to Google a picture of her.  The first people that popped to mind though…

Were George and Izzie.  I know!  I know!!  Everyone hates Katherine Heigel!  George and Izzie were awful together!  Yes, this is all well-known information.  But they were part of the original group and with BOTH of them gone it feels like the show is missing something every now and then.  Yes I love Arizona and yes I love Lexie but…sigh.  You know what I mean.  Hmm…who else…

For the record I still love Top Model.  Always have, always will.  And I think they’ve had some really great judges (Nigel, Andre) and some awful judges (Paulina Porzikova, anyone?)  But I know I’m not alone in missing

Janice Dickenson juuuuuuust a little bit.  There was a sass and an unpredictability about her that has been missing from judges panel for quite some time.  Speaking of judges panels….

Mia Michaels!!!!  Well all know and adore Mia.  And I thought I would be thrilled when she became a regular judge on the So You Think You Can Dance panel last year.  But then I realized how much I missed her choreography and guest judging.  Please make my Mia a choreographer again but if it means having Shankman as a permanent judge on the panel again….well….I mean…

Am I the only person who misses Jenny on Gossip Girl?

Sure she dresses like a 17-year old hooker but she was d-rama.  And Gossip Girl is d-rama.  So please, bring back the d-rama.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge.  Listen.  I got nothin’ against TJ Lavin.  He was in a rough motorbike accident and that sucks for him but I don’t really love him as a host for the challenges.  You know who I miss from hosting the Challenges?  No, not Dave Mirra.

JOHNNY MOSELY.  Now HE was a good host!!!  Maybe I just like his challenges the most because they were the original ones back before we had all of these Fresh Meat jackholes and before Paula and Johnny Bananas were on every challenge.  This was like, the Battle of the Sexes days and when Mark Long and Danny from New Orleans and Amaya and Kelly Limp/Scott Wolf’s wife were on the challenges.  The GOOD OL DAYS.  I miss those challenges….You know who else I miss?

Do you guys remember that girl on Glee named ‘Mercedes?’  She had tons of attitude and was a great singer and had some great songs but I really miss her being on that show.  It’s a shame for Amber Riley that she…wait….what?  You mean Mercedes is still a character on Glee?  Okay then nevermind….

Now of course because these people are gone from the previously mentioned shows doesn’t mean I don’t watch them.  Of course I’m going to still watch myself some Grey’s and some Top Model.  But next season when Jillian Michaels leaves Biggest Loser….

I don’t think I’m going to watch it anymore!  I love love love Jillian.  She is my reason for Biggest Losering.  What I would give to have her come to my house and just yell at me.  Seriously.  Doesn’t need to be about working out or my eating habits.  It can be because I have clothes on the floor or I didn’t replace the toilet paper.  I don’t even care.  Just come yell at me Jillian!

So what about you?  What characters/people do you miss from TV shows?

Random Thought Wednesday April 13, 2011

Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
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People’s “Most Beautiful People” issue was just released and while I don’t have a massive issue with the majority of the included celebrities I do just have to say….

Kellen Lutz?  Really?  I JUST.  DON’T.  GET IT.  Sure he has a nice body but it’s like, too nice.  The eyes, the hair, it just doesn’t work for me.

People.  Are you watching “Parenthood?”

This is one of the BEST SHOWS ON TELEVISION.  Seriously, if you’re not watching it you are doing a dis-service to yourself.  The story lines are fresh and thorough (unlike another show that I love), the characters are interesting and best of all the cast acts the SHIT out of it.  I’ve never liked Erika Christenson but she works it out on this show.  Honestly, I can’t say enough good things about it.  It’s like all the great parts of “Brothers and Sisters” and “Grey’s” and “Gilmore Girls” are all wrapped up into one and thrown into a great show.  Watch it.

Apparently Catherine Zeta-Jones checked herself into an institution because she’s bi-polar?

I see it.  She’s totally got crazy eyes.

I just got an email from the Mohegan Sun asking me if I want to buy tickets to a Ke$ha concert.  There are so many things wrong with that sentence.

Adam Shankman + Tom Cruise + Russell Brand = the Rock of Ages movie.  I can’t.

I met this chick at work yesterday:

She was very tall, very nice, and smelled very lovely when she hugged me.  And then I gave her the blueberries that she requested.  Just another day in the office!

I am seeing a midnight showing of Scream 4 tomorrow night.  I’ll either need a cat nap or some Red Bull to make it through.  Preferably both.

I promise to be much more exciting blog-wise soon but it has been a BUSY ass week, yo!!!

BriTunes Out.