Bachelorette Recap: All Wrong in Hong Kong June 28, 2011Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
Sometimes, I’ll wake up in the morning, walk to my window and just gaze outside thinking ‘I wonder what Bentley is doing right now.’
Then I’ll think ‘Why in the HELL do I watch The Bachelorette.’ UGH Smashley you’re so booooooooooooooring. Snoozefest, five o’clock. Due to the fact that this season is so boring, the producers decided that the best way to stir some shit up would be to bring Bentley back for a visit. Chris Harrison, in a SPARKLING blue button down to match his eyes, broke the news to Smash.
And she was then left to sit and obsess over the most OMINOUS PIECE OF PAPER TO EVER EXIST!!!!
Would she visit Bentley?! Was she ever going to find the closure she needed if she did? Was it all worth it just for one last look?!
Well DUH of COURSE she was going to visit him!!! After some reeeeeeal awkward flirting and a game of ‘whatchu been up to?’ Smash got down to the bottom of things and hoooo boy it did not go well.
Well OBVIously he wasn’t there to tell her that he loves her! Bitch please. You know he just wanted himself a vacation!! She gave him dueces and had some fun words for him ‘if he was watching.’
Is it wrong I wish we could have the ‘censor’ bubble over Smashley’s face all the time?
Hey Smash! Bentley just broke your heart, AGAIN!!! What do you feel like doing?!
Yup. Smile and look at your clothes. Exactly the right answer!
Wait a minute….is this my neighborhood?
Ah. Nope, we’re in Hong Kong!! And it’s a one-on-one date with….that one guy! You know the one! The oil guy! Personally if those creepy dragons showed up on my date I would be pissed.
:::Shudder::: I hate those things.
Back at the house, Ames made this face.
And we all moved on.
Back on the date with whatshisface, Smashley ate his face.
And we all moved on.
Hey, remember that one time Smashley had the great idea to have the guys compete against each other in a martial arts boxing ring and then Ames went to the hospital?! Well I’ve got a great idea – let’s compete against each other AGAIN but this time do a dragon boat race!! YEAH! High Five!!
Bachelorette: Smash Me Baby One More Time June 21, 2011Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
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You know, one would think that the minute they find themselves without a job it would be super easy to just sit home and blog about The Bachelorette all day. This is not so. I mean, I have the gym…and I have to eat at some point…work on my resume at some point in there…long story short – whatever. Here is your recap. Later than I wanted but shit happens. Deal with it.
Kind of like how we have to deal with the fact that Chris Harrison is now going in the OPPOSITE direction of Technicolor.
It’s like, we want brighter…he wants something along the lines of poop. I guess he’s just saving the rest of his Technicolor shirts for Brad Womack’s third go-around as The Bachelor.
So let’s see, we’re still in Thailand, this guy still is WAYYYY too excited to be persuing Smashley
and Smash is still pensive.
About what, you my ask? Something, everything, does it really matter? All that matters is that she’s giving us pensive.
The first one-on-one date goes to Josh Groban and the two of them have REALLY exciting plans to…walk through a Thai market so Smashley can try on dresses.
Wahoo!! This is so exciting, we’re having so much fun, we’re such in pretend love we can’t stand it!! Look, Groban wants to show you how happy he is.
I hate him so hard because of this.
At dinner, he expressed that he had never been to a dinner as beautiful as this.
Well of course not, you idiot. No one has. Dinners like this DO NOT REALLY EXIST. The one thing I hate about this show (besides everything) is the unrealistic dates these people have. In real life you’re not going to have a dinner in the middle of a Thai garden with an intricate design made of flowers around you. Hells naw! In real life your ass is eating pizza from Dominos (that you only got because you really just wanted to watch the pizza tracker in real time) and drinking a Bud Light while watching Intervention!! And really, if I had people dancing around me during Intervention I’d be pissed, let’s be honest.
Bachelorette Recap: My Thai, My Thai, My Thai… June 14, 2011Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
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I miss Bentley.
I mean, sure, he looked like Quasimodo. Sure, he was there for the wrong reasons. Sure, he made Smashley cry. But lest we forget – HE MADE SMASHLEY CRY!!! We likey that! That means there is drama! That means there is an exciting episode! Without that, the only thing we have left is boring Chris Harrison in a non-technicolor shirt.
And even that barely gets me through the day.
An episode of The Bachelorette obviously isn’t complete without someone looking pensive as shit at the beginning of the episode.
“And now we’re walking, and we’re pensive, and we’re walking, and our hands are in our pockets, and we’re pensive…come on Smashley! Give me pensive!”
This girl could not have cared less to meet Smashley and give her tips on the ‘HOTTEST dates in Phuket Thailand.”
And while Smash was planning the “Best Dates to Happen in a Tsunami Ravaged Country EVER!!” the guys were lining up for either a) a firing squad or b) a rousing rendition of “Seasons of Love.”
The first one-on-one date went to the always pretty, always handsome Constantine.
Now that’s one hot piece of ass!
Correction: No, no it is not.
The two of them had an awesome plan to ride a boat to some island somewhere but they couldn’t because this guy couldn’t stop raising the roof.
Either that or because the weather was being all tsunami-like. What?!? Too soon?!
Smashley couldn’t hide her disappointment.
Which really bugs me about her. I mean, maybe it’s because she and I have that in common but c’mon bitch! Your ass has forty-five guys who all want to do you (I mean besides Bentley) and you’re on a nationally televised show where pretty much everyone likes you (except for Bentley) and you’re in Thailand!! (without Bentley). So what if you can’t go on some damn boat! You need to buck up and focus on your date with Pretty Pretty Constantspleen (who isn’t Bentley).
This guy was WAY too excited to talk to Smash and Spleen.
And I’m sorry but asking old people for marriage advice and running through the streets while it’s raining
does NOT equal a fun date.
Constantanople continued his pretty party at dinner…
but was never prettier than when he was eating.
Yeahhhhh….get it girl!
The next day for the group date it was decided that the MOST FUN thing they could do would be to build a house for the Tsunami ravaged people of Phuket!!!! YAYYYYY!!!! I see no better time than to show a picture of Smashley making a boobs gesture!!! Yayy!!!
Let’s build houses everyone!!!!
I don’t hate Ben F.
And his disgust for the Matt Morrison guy just makes me like him all the more.
While all the guys built houses, Smashley walked around pretending to be a geisha.
She’s so racist.
Smashley and the Producers of ABC’s “The Bachelorette” were SO impressed by the job the guys did building the house, they decided to team up with Oprah and give the guys a great prize.
“YOU get a young Thai child, and YOU get a young Thai child, and YOU get a teenage Thai child, and YOU get a young Thai child…”
Nothin’ but heart those two, I swear.
All that giving and house building really made Smashley work up an appetite so…
She ate Ben F’s face.
Was I the only one that heard Ben say “Rut Roh” while they were kissing? I would have kicked him off the show right then and there.
Smash is always the pinnacle of high fashion, as evidenced by this hot ensemble she wore to the group date at night.
Actually is hot. I mean YES JP, you get it boy!!! He’s my favorite. He’s so friggin hot I can’t stand it. MARRY ME JP!!
Hey Matt Morrison…
Go back to Glee!! (actually, don’t).
I’ve been really disappointed in the lack of shirtless men this season and tonight, it finally looked like we might get some back tattoo action but the best we got was…
SILHOUETTE’S?!!! Are you frakking kiddin g me with this?! Why do you think I watch this show, for Smashley’s outfits? NO!! Give me some shirtless hotties!!!
The good thing is that on the next date we would see some back action. The bad news?
That’s not the one I was going for. (And 31 my ass)
“It’s like I’m on the Titanic!” –Smashley Herbert, 2011
No Smash, not it is not. Not anything like that, in fact. The fact that you said the water felt like ‘bath water’ (ew) should had been your first clue that, in actuality, you are not in 1917 and sailing across the Atlantic to America. Learn your history.
If Smashley had made me do all kinds of physical labor on our first one-on-one date…
You know I would have been pissed. I would have handed her an oar and said ‘good thing we got two!’ Guess she was too busy thinking about the Titanic to pick up a paddle.
Now go wash your eyes out with soap.
No, Lea Michele, not you…get out of here.
At the cocktail party, Matt Morrison seriously couldn’t believe that he was driving all of the other guys crazy.
No, like he really couldn’t believe it.
I mean, he really could not get it through his head…
No, I’m not exaggerating when I say he could NOT grasp the concept that the guys didn’t like him.
So much, in fact, he raced right to Smashely to tell her alllllll about it.
And she didn’t care, and we didn’t care, and Chris Harrison didn’t care…
So we all moved on.
At the rose ceremony JP was gettin’ himself some in front of everyone
which she appears to be pushing away a little bit but you know I would have been UP on JP’s P. GET IT BOY!!!!
Only one guy went home this week and that was….
So sad, too bad West!! Silly boy, don’t you know we just HAD a widow?! We can’t have a Widower the very NEXT season!! Try again next year buddy.
And with that the episode was done which I give a big
‘Cheers’ to. Seriously!! What a boooooooring episode!! Bentley, come back!!!! Lucky for me and for you…
Next episode he does!! Yay!!!
More face eating. Cheers to you!
Bachelorette Recap – Bentley? We hardley knew ye! June 7, 2011Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
A word to the wise – if you are emotionally unstable….DO NOT VOLUNTEER TO BE THE BACHELORETTE!!!!
I mean come on, Smashley should have taken at least a good six months off after Brad broke her heart because I don’t think Homegirl was exactly ready for what this week was going to throw at her. First of all…
I mean…does Chris Harrison even care anymore? It’s only the THIRD episode! I know the Bachelorette is Smash and we’re all disappointed by that (none more than the guys) but a zip up sweatshirt? Jeans? Not even a DARK WASH of jeans, no no, he went all acid wash up in here. C’mon man…if you’re not going to give us Technicolor, at least throw some Paisley our way, sheesh.
Meanwhile, Smashley looks ril purty while driving.
She was like, trying to be pensive but also trying to keep her eyes on the road. It’s a good look for her.
Ben C. got the first one on one date and I actually really like Ben. His body language while driving in the car though…
Oh yeah. He’s totally into this. I think he was pissed a woman was driving – you know he’s totally one of those sexist pigs (yeah, I’m talking to you A.C. Slater).
Smash’s dates this week were SERIOUSLY lacking. Teaching Ben a fancy hip-hop dance?
She just wanted to show off her dance “skills.” She’s such a narcissist that way.
And then this?
I’m embarrassed for both of you. Flash Mobs are so April 2011.
And this is just inappropriate.
I think Far East Movement is as excited to be there…
…as we are to see them.
And then…well…Ben and Smashley are in front of a big crowd so what is she going to do?
Dance up on him, duh. Oh sorry, did you think I was going to say ‘eat his face?’ Nonsense. Smashley is a lady, she’s not into that PDA shit.
Ben C. was really cute, he was. But then he started yammering on and on about love and this and that and how Smashley is the perfect girl for him and he wants a love like no one else has and blah blah blah
and I was over it.
Bitch, this is not the masquerade scene from ‘Romeo and Juliet’
so get off that damn balcony. Because Smashley is not below you saying ‘Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou?’ She’s below you yelling ‘help! Stalker! No means no!’
At some point though, the mask had to come off. And while the Phantom of the Opera was yammering on and on about why he did the mask and how he’s starting to fall for her and blah blah blah (there was a lot of yammering this episode) you could tell that Smashley was REALLY into what Jeff was saying.
Lazy eye, what?
It’s time for the reveal so you know what that means…..
Judge-y Hawk! And this time he’s brought along a friend!
Judge-y squirrel! So okay Phantom, do it. Take off that mask. Let’s see your….
AH!!! AH!!!! PUT THE MASK BACK ON!!! PUT THE MASK BACK ON!!! ROMEO, ROMEO, WHEREFORE ART THOU MASK?!?!
Smashley was like ‘aight. Okay, thanks for that. Let’s go on the group date.’ You could tell she wasn’t excited. And we’ve all been there – it’s always such a disappointment, right? Like, I hate when I’m on a reality dating show and I’m expected to fall in love with and get engaged to a dude after only knowing him six weeks and then one of the guys finally takes off his mask and I’m like ‘well you’re ugly.’ I hate when that happens!
In addition to ‘wearing a mask,’ also filed under Things not to do on The Bachelorette, “having a ROAST” is probably on that list too. Especially when that roast is hosted by the “King of Roasts”
This guy was FAR too excited to see Jeffery Ross
Probably the entire reason Smashley sent him home (yeah, spoiler, deal with it).
Will wasn’t all that excited about Jeffery Ross but he was excited about the opportunity to rip Smashley to shreds.
Because truly – every guy that is trying to win a girl’s heart loves any opportunity to completely crush her heart and spirit. I don’t know if I’m more embarrassed that Smashley was willing to do this awful, awful, horrible idea of a date, or if I’m more embarrassed because of this:
That picture? “Woman of the Hour?” No.
The guys get up there and are hilarious. And by ‘hilarious’ I mean “OH MY GOD STOP TALKING!” Smashley was particularly fond of the gentlemen who made fun of her small boobies.
Because what girl doesn’t like that?!
Quasimodo particularly enjoyed this date because he apparently hates Smashley and wants her dead.
I love making fun of Smashley but Quasi is truly and awful, awful, horrible person (just like this date). Like, even I’M not that mean. Like, he is Lucifer. He is the devil. He kicks puppies and hates rainbows.
This guy is so awful he makes Madi Gosselin look like friggin Beyonce.
As awful as Bentley is, at the very least he doesn’t say awful things to Smashley’s face. Much unlike….
This ass-hat. I really wanted to like Will. I DID! I mean, sure he works at a Sprint store selling cell phones but c’mon, he’s cute. But NO WILL! STOP TALKING!!! STOP!!! To tell the girl that you’re trying to woo, EVEN JOKINGLY, that you wished it was either Emily or Chankka Kahn as the Bachelorette I mean…have fun on your plane ride home, dude.
Smashley, knowing that she willingly signed up for both this show and the roast, took everyone’s jokes in stride. And by that I mean…
…she absolutely, 100% didn’t.
Will knew he was in trouuuuuuuuuble!!!
So he walked away from Smashley and pensively thought about what he did wrong on the streets of LA,
and a strangely red hallway.
Sex club? Or just a red hallway? I guess we’ll never know.
This ass-hat was laying it on a lot too thick.
“I’m really happy it’s you Smashley. No, REALLY happy. Like, HAPPY happy. As in, you’re gorgeous, I’m so happy you’re the Bachelorette. No, f’real. You. Me. Yay. Bachelorette.”
Tone it down Matt Morrison, you’ll get your rose.
Was anyone besides myself just NOT buying what Quasimodo was selling?
I mean, it’s very possible he was acting differently to her off camera or telling her things we weren’t hearing but I mean…he never seemed into her. At all. And I saw it. And I can’t believe she didn’t see it. I know she wasn’t hearing what we were hearing but…ugh. Anyway.
The next day Smashley was sad. 😦 So she took a pensive walk around her pool in the rain.
Because that makes sense.
Uh Oh, Quasimodo is exiting stage left!
You know what that means, don’t you?
YAY!!! Awkward moment with Bently and Smashley!!!
I don’t even want to spend too much time on this because we all know what happened. Quasi wanted Emily, he was never into Smash, and now it was time to go. Smash, however, was tooottttally into Bentley. Like, falling in love, ‘you’re going to make it to the final two’ into him. As such she took it hard when he left.
Cue the emotional breakdown in 3….
1.5…..(I always straddle my dates when they break up with me too)
And heeeeeeeere come the waterworks.
“How do I move on?” “What did I do wrong?” “I loved him so much?” “How can I trust again?”
Its been three episodes bitch. You ain’t no Ali Fedowtaotatosky and Frank, bokay?
After her breakdown, Smashley thought it best to light some candles, and be pensive by the fire.
There’s no better way to recover emotionally, in my opinion.
So the last one-on-one date this week was with JP, who I think is adorable and totally there for the right reasons. If he loses I could totally see him be the next Bachelor. Obviously homegirl had an emotional day and doesn’t want to go all out so she and JP hang at home – having some wine, eating some dinner, totally nice, totally normal.
I thought it was great. Not every date has to be big and dramatic because real life is dinner and wine at home. I was totally cool with the two of them hanging out and getting comfortable…but then Smashley took it one step too far.
So we’ve got wine – check. Fire – check. What better thing to complete this date (especially after crying all day ) than to eat JP’s face!!
Face eating – check. Oh Smashley, you never disappoint.
Rose Ceremony – Smashley is STILL. SAD.
Except now she’s like, dolled up and sad. Which makes the whole scenario even sadder. Check out your wall o’ men…
Cry to Chris Harrison…
At the Rose Ceremony, Frankenstein was gorgeous as always.
That kid’s a looker, he is.
Will knew he was in deep shit.
Especially since there was never a Cocktail party and he never had a chance to apologize to Smashley. He needn’t have worried though, because if there’s one thing we can count on with Smashley it’s that she’ll always make bad decisions. So she keeps the guy who ripped her a new vajay and sent home cute cute Chris.
It’s fine though. My love last week, this guy…you keep Constantine around. You keep that Fitness Instructor with the awful face around. You keep Joe, Schmoe, and Homo who we don’t even know around. You do that Smash. At least she did one thing right.
For there never was a tale of more woe, than with Juliet and her weird masked stalker Romeo.
This isn’t dramatic at all.
And neither is this.
Ai Dios Mio, this show…..
Next week we go to…THAILAND!!! You know what that means? The guys from the Hangover 2!! Lady boys!! Thai food!! And eating faces.
And apparently Matt Morrison gets on everyone’s nerves.
But this is the guy that likes to put his hands into a heart and then show us the sun.
So are we really all that surprised? Ass-hat.
Until next week!!!
It’s My Life (it’s now or never) June 3, 2011Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
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BriTunes has been ‘cap’ heavy lately but that’s what I have enjoyed doing and what the readers seem to enjoy. However, so much fun stuff happened recently I can’t help but share it.
Last weekend I married someone. It’s true. Don’t believe me?
Yes, More-O’s sister asked me to officiate her wedding and even though I had never done it before and was quite nervous, it all went well. The bride looked GORGEOUS
And the wedding location (in New Haven, CT) was nearly perfect (you know, minus the heat and the sand flies).
More-O was dashing as always
and never took a bad picture the entire weekend.
His family is truly one of my favorite things about him, they are so great to be around. We are visiting my family next weekend and I know we’ll have as much fun with them as we do with his fam.
The other big event of my week last week was seeing Kelly Clarkson in concert. Page Six was asked to cover a Tupperware corporate party that she was performing at and he asked me to be his Plus 1! When I say I was front row I mean…I was LITERALLY leaning on the stage. Here is K. Clarkson pointing at me during “Miss Independent.”
During “Breakaway” she, no joke, told me I had an infectious smile during one of the verses. I wish so badly I had video of it but I have a video of it IN MY MIND…Here’s a picture of me taken by the paparazzi.
That’s the stage and you can see me leaning on it. I am giving kind of pig face though…hm. Whatever. Okay, moving on.
Job stuff is back up in the air – pretty much everyone is in the dark and no one knows what’s going on or what will happen. So it’s annoying and stressful and it’s like…how you plan? Anything? So whatevs.
We had our first Fire Island weekend a few weeks ago and it was fantastic. The house is great, the group of guys are great, I was really happy with the experience. We’ve decided that each week we’re going to do a high fashion photo shoot in a different location. This first weekend it was on the beach.
Love it. Also loving…..
Her family is wayyyy too cute. Ryan Reynolds can SUCK IT!!!
Pink had a baby!!
I give her two weeks of recovery and then expect her to go back into the studio and record so I can have some new music from her. Kthxbyeee.
I saw X-Men: First Class, and it’s awesome. I saw Bridesmaids, and it’s awesome. I saw Something Borrowed and it was….
Okay that’s all from me. I’m treating myself to lunch with a friend which means I’ll be out of the office for at LEAST twenty minutes. What a treat!!! Have a great weekend, all.