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The Bachelorette Recap: Always Come Back for Four July 28, 2011

Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
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I must first apologize, again, for the late recap.  When you’re by a pool in Fire Island during a heat wave, Smashley is the last thing on your mind.  Trust me on this one.  Smashley is also so deathly boring, I had a hard time finding things to actually talk about this episode.  I mean, yeah, he came back and yeah, he left but really…who gives a damn?

Anyway, while I was by the pool, Smashley…

was on a boat.  She’s on a boat.  Look at her now, she is pensive on the boat.

What was up with this shot?

I mean, inappropriate sexual innuendo, what what?

“Dear Diary…”

 

 

 

Today I’m in Figi.  It’s so pretty here!  I like the sun.  I have three guys left and I can’t wait to do them all in the Fantasy Suite.  Yay, boys!  TTFN.  Luv, Smashley.”

Uh Oh.  Make that four guys.

Yup!!  Ryan’s back to try and win Smashley’s heart (again).  Why does he look so angry though?  Maybe he’s really coming back to just kill her instead.  Why don’t people on these shows realize that the ‘grand guesture’ of coming back NEVER WORKS!!!  I fear poor Ryan’s heart is far too fragile to be rejected again.  Smashley’s face said it all:

 

 

 

Homegirl looks like straight up the Loch-Ness monster was in front of that door trying to sell her Avon.  Calm down on the dramatics, sweetie.

While he was talking and re-professing his love for her, however, she could have used some of those dramatics.

 

 

 

I mean, jeez…at least PRETEND to be excited to see the guy again!

He told her not to answer him in that moment, to think about it a little bit and then let him know.  Honestly, you know he just wanted a few more days in Figi.

Who the hell walks and smiles like this?

People don’t actually smile while they walk!  No one is walking down the street thinking “oh I’m so happy right now, the sun is shining, I’m in Figi, I’m going to smile.”  Girl, what is WRONG with you?  Ugh, I can’t.

I also can’t believe that Josh Groban has made it this far.

 

 

I thought he was going to be gone the first week and look at him now, in the final two.  You Raise Me Up, indeed, Groban.

 

Smash and Ben basically just sat on the boat, smiled at each other, and rubbed suntan lotion all over each other.

Perverts.

Then they went snorkeling together – fun, right?  Well not when you’re HOLDING HANDS during it!

I mean, that’s just straight up dangerous.  Don’t you need that other hand to, I don’t know, swim, or fend off sharks or something?

I actually thought the two of them were really cute on their date together.  They seem to have a lot of chemistry and really get along, which is nice to see.

 

What is NOT nice to see, however, is Smashley’s look during the date.

I mean, really?  At least comb your hair and put on some eyeliner, geez.  This is The Bachelorette, not “Cheaters.”

Of course we had to have the requisite ‘eating of the faces.’

 


Yeah, you know exactly where they went after that last screen shot, right?

Exactly – the FANTASY SUITE.  Bow chicka bow wow….

For her date with date with Constantine, Smashley picked out her finest outfit from the “Britney Spears Collection” and was ready to go!

Maybe it was just me, but for some reason I knew Constantine wasn’t going to make it to the rose ceremony.  These two really haven’t been into each other AT ALL.  She had more chemistry with ‘Smames than she does with this schmuck.  As it was, they had a very special helicopter ride

and who should coincidentally be standing there as they passed overhead?

Ryan!!!!  I mean, come on.  Did the producers really tell Ryan “okay, now go onto that lonely little stretch of land and look reeeeeally sad as the helicopter passes overhead.”

 

The answer?  Yes, yes, they probably did.

 

Well I’m glad you got somethin’ in your brain Smashley, because it sure ain’t smarts!

 

Constantine, by the way, has never looked more ogreish.

Do you think that’s one of Ben’s wines in that glass?  Because that would be the ultimate BURN.  And is it just me or does he kind of look like Ben in that shot?  I’M SO CONFUSED!!!

At dinner Const and Smash basically said to each other “I’m just not that into you”

and Constantine was on his way

leaving Smashley to be sad and pensive over the FANTASY SUITE card.

So sad.  She wanted some Greek food

and now she’s got nothing.  Well, she’s still got some cheese.

Oh yes!!  Ryan’s still around!!!  I wonder if Smashley will take him back?!  I wonder what her answer is going to be?

Oh…so sad, too bad Ryan.  You gave it your best shot.  See you next season on The Bachelor!

For her final date with JP, Smashley again brought out her finest.

Seriously WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL?

For their date they took another majestic plane ride

 

this time sans Ryan standing sadly below their plane.

At their very own private island (well, private in the sense that it was them, a producer, four camera, a sound man, a director…) they spent some time in the water not swimming, not eating face, just like….holding each other.

I dunno.  I wonder if they were as bored as I was.

At dinner, Smashley told JP about Ryan coming back and, ever the level head, you could tell he very pleased about this information.

It was all good in the end though, because he found out that both Ryan AND Constantine went home so the two of them were left to, not talk, not kiss but…

just hold each other.  I just don’t…

 

When JP (of course) accepted the FANTASY SUITE card, Smashley took him back to her room where she put on her trashiest lingere

and the two of them finally stopped holding each other and got down to…EATING FACE!!!

 

It was REALLY boring after that.  I mean, we had forty minutes to kill and already two people had left the show and we still had a ROSE CEREMONY?  WHAT?  So she and Chris Harrison gabbed a little bit, she looked pensively through some rain drops

and then she talked about the guys some more.  Here’s what I don’t understand – she has been talking about her relationships with these two guys THE ENTIRE EPISODE.  WHAT MORE IS THERE TO SAY???

Nevertheless, we still had to have a rose ceremony so the two guys stood there WONDERING what their fates were

and OBVIOUSLY they were both safe.  Although judging from JP’s face he looks like he knows he’s probably not going to be the winner next week.

Who will Smashley pick?  Who will go home in tears?  Will Smashley’s finale dress ever  be explained?

And will anyone besides myself be excited that we don’t have to talk about Smashley anymore?

STAY TUNED AND SEE!!!

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Bachelorette Recap: Hometown Glory July 19, 2011

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“Round my hometown, meeeeemories are fre-y-esh.”

Yay!!!  It’s time for Hometown dates!!!  I think I like the Hometown dates so much for multiple reasons.

1)  The Mom’s are usually quite tragic
2) It’s fun seeing who’s family are poor
3) When the fourth guy gets cut it hurts THAT much more knowing that not only will he be devastated, but his entire family will be devastated too because they all JUST met and fell in love with Smashley.

Keep in mind, as you read those previous bullet points that I WOULD NOT BE CUT OUT FOR THIS SHOW.  Moving on.

It’s a little sad, isn’t it, that Smashley was gone for two months and she only got three pieces of mail?

Looks like someone isn’t very pop-pop-pop-popular.

I’m also happy we were able to see Smashley in her natural surroundings because it means that she was able to bring out her ‘whore couture.’

Purple lace tank top and matching eye shadow?  Tre’ Chic!

First up for hometowns was the always pretty, always cro magnon, Constantine.

“Me Constantine.  Me make fire.”

I was quite confused by Smashley’s choice of fashion when she visited Atlanta.

It’s like, half sexy teacher, half Native American Indian.  I think she’d be better off sticking to the backless silk shirts and lace tank tops…but that’s just me.

Constantine decided to take Smashley to his ‘restaurant’ which was really just an Italian place in a strip mall.  Apparently they are known for their Fine Wines, though.

I think he’s just trying to compete with Ben F. but let me tell you, Giorgio’s is no winery!

If Constantine ‘owns’ this restaurant, like he said, don’t you think he could get away with having a little more privacy?

I mean come on, that’s just ridiculous.

And then to eat face in front of all of them?

Well now that’s just unprofessional.

Constantine’s family was lovely but I don’t know that a group hug five seconds in is the most appropriate move.

Awwwwwkward.

Not nearly as awkward, however, as C’s mom sitting and grilling Smash.

Was it just me or did she have notes in her hand of what she wanted to say?

I found it totally appropriate that C’s parents surprised him and Smashley and brought the entire country of Greece to the house for dancing.

Mamma Mia, this is not.

Constantine just looooves kissing in front of other people.

That should be a major red flag for Smashley – voyuers are not your friend!  But then again this is a woman who went on national television to date 25 guys so….we should move on.

To ‘Smames!

So pretty!

Like brother like brother!

His mother’s house was absolutely gorgeous though.

“Hey Smashley, let’s go sit by the INDOORS POOL and talk, shall we?”

*cough*rich*cough*

His mom was so cute!

She seemed like the mom on some HBO drama – just quiet and reserved yet smart and wise.  Smashley, having none of those qualities, had a hard time keeping up so instead she and ‘Smames went out to the magnolia trees and ate face.

As most of us do.

Ben F. was next and his winery was the shiiiiiiiit!  I have always, always wanted to go to Napa or Sonoma and visit a winery (hint hint More-O).  But I don’t know that I would be doing much of this at a winery:

Hell naw!  I’d be getting drunk on those Ben F. wines, yo!!

My favorite though was the place they first met at.

“Alright Smashley, I’ll meet you in the grassy field by those two pipes.”  Bitch run!!!  You gon’ get killed!

Loved me some Ben’s mom’s house.

C-UTE!!

And his mom was adorable.  You know she’s like, an artist or a poet or something.

With that shawl on, you can TELL she is one classy lady.  She’d never run around wearing backless silk shirts!

Ben had a nice visit home and all but…I mean…I don’t know that The Bachelorette is the best place exactly to apologize to your mom for not being there after your dad died.

Talk about a Debbie Downer!!!

Good thing we had JP!!! and LONG ISLAND!!! next to lift up our spirits!!

See?  Now don’t you feel better?

JP and Smashley did a lot of this

followed by some roller skating/showing off

followed by some more of this.

That girl just can’t keep her hands to herself!!!

JP’s mom was something…magical.

And by ‘magical’ I do mean that she was an elf.

If she talked one more time about how JP’s heart was broken in his last relationship….

I mean, we GET IT!  The guy was burned!!  Move on!!

Much better.  Oh what I wouldn’t give to sign that poster…….

After all the dates were done Smash had a sit down with Chris Harrison….which I didn’t care to watch….but I did notice that he got a haircut or something since we last saw him.  He’s lookin’ gooood!

Obviously one guy has to go home

and obviously we all know who it’s going to be…

Awww…bye ‘Smames!!  And yes, that picture was taken IMMEDIATELY after he found out the news.  The guy’s a robot, I swear.  The shitty thing is that Smashley didn’t even give him the reason why she was kicking him to the curb.

She cried over TRAVIS even but for Ames she showed nothing.  Perhaps those two robots are better suited for each other than we might think.

Of course Ames showed lots of emotion on the limo ride home.


Okay, no emotion.  *sigh*  I miss The Bachelor.

Next week the gang all goes to Figi, where we’re sure to see….eating face

shirtless eating face…

tears…

and Smashley call her tragedy of a sister ‘a bitch!’

I, for one, can’t wait!

The Bachelorette: Better Late Than Never July 18, 2011

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I want to take you back.  Back to a simpler time when the future in front of you was bright and there were still six guys left on The Bachelorette.  Yes, the time was last Monday and I was in Tennessee with my family and limited internet access.  I’M SORRY!!  More-O said ‘oh, just don’t do one this week.  I think people will be okay.’  And I thought about it, and I thought about it…and I looked pensive…

And I said ‘NAY!  I must satisfy my loyal readers!!’  I’m aiming for this to be a truncated recap though because it’s late and well, a new episode of the show has already aired so I mean, do you people even care that much anymore?

So yeah, where did the episode start?  Smashley was in Taiwan, and was pensive.  Now we’re all caught up.  Chris Harrison, meanwhile…

*sigh*  I don’t know why I even bother with that guy anymore.

Why do I feel like this is a scene from “Hangover 2?”

What happens in Taiwan, stays in Taiwan.

Constantspleen got the first one-on-one date and those two, man, they have some chemistry.  Just look at how closely they walk together…

That’s sexual tension if I ever saw it!!!

Because Smashley doesn’t know Constantanople as well as the other guys, she decided to take him to a very special place on their date – Hogwarts.

Choo Choo!

Smash and Constantpeen’s date can be summed up in two pictures:

Like I said, chemisty.

They found ways to pass the time though, by polluting the environment with paper lanterns

and (obviously) eating each other’s face.


If there’s one thing Smashley is on a date, it’s predictable!!!!  Well, predictable and horny.

Ben and Smash had their one-on-one date next (or maybe it was the group date next, I don’t know or care that much to check) and their date was a snoooooooze fest.  Honestly I didn’t watch much of it but here’s what I know:

They rode a scooter…

Talked about love…

(Seriously, Ben was TWO seconds away from saying ‘I love you.’  Bitch, it has been THREE WEEKS!!)

and they, obviously…YOU GUESSED IT!!!!

They had SO much fun sucking face, in fact…

Oh snap.  Walk of shame!!!!

So then we move on to the group date (or the snooze date, as I like to call it because let’s face it this date was boring as shit).  Smash thought it would be an awesome idea to put on funny outfits

and take engagement pictures!!!  FUN!!!!!!

Fun for you, not s’much fun for us.

JP pouted because he didn’t get to do a walk of shame but then when he walked out wearing this handsome little get-up

and all was forgiven.

But then Travis got his face eaten…

JP didn’t…

ad he was back to pouting.  To reward him for his pouting, Smashley decided to reward JP with the date rose.

Such is life, I guess. Btw, SO MANY FLOWERS!!  WHICH ONE IS THE REAL ONE?!

There really wasn’t much more to the rest of the group date.  All I noticed was more face eating

and Ames making this face:

And that was that!!  Exciting group date, it ’twas.

More exciting, however (and by ‘exciting’ I mean ‘tragic’) was Ryan’s VERY FIRST (and very last) one-on-one date.  In Ryan’s defense, I actually don’t think that he was given a fighting chance.  I mean really?  You’re not going to give the guy anything but group dates until NOW?!  She gave more one-on-one dates to guys we didn’t even know their names!  Smash is nothin’ but class.

For instance, here Smashley is wearing her classiest backless silk shirt to the Taiwanese temple.

Nothing says ‘respect’ like a backless shirt!!

So Smash and Ryan sat and watched a prison gang do one of those Michael Jackson dances

/Tai Chi, whatever and then Smash decided it was time to drop the BOMB.  Judgmental Partridge did not approve.

What IS it with the animals on this show being so judgemental?!

Anyway, after a date filled with faces like these

it was time for Smashley to reveal to Ryan (on his FIRST one-on-one, remember?) that while she thought he was her ‘perfect guy’ she just ‘wasn’t feeling it.’  Cue broken heart face in 3…2…

Ouch.  Poor Ry-Ry didn’t even see it coming.  Way harsh, smash.

After saying their goodbyes (she basically was like ‘peace out, yo’) Ryan gave his exit interview, cried in the bushes

got his (surprisingly gorgeous) eyes zoomed in on

and was then made to HAIL HIS OWN CAB IN FRONT OF A WALL OF ROSES.

These Bachelor producers have no heart, I swear.

The rose ceremony was nothing to write home about.  Smashley creepily walked behind the guys

then creepily walked down a dimly lit alley

then creepily stood there with a rose.

Creep!!!

No surprise here she sent Travis home (his name was Travis, right?)

and then she…well…I guess I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves.

That Smashley, she’s as stable as a rock!!!

Not to be outdone by Smash, Emily from last season showed up at the end and had a sit down with Chris Harrison talking about her break-up with Brad (which we all saw coming, obviously.  She can’t compete with that back tattoo!!)  Just like with Smashley, pictures speak a thousand words.


WHAT DOES THIS SHOW DO TO WOMEN?!?!!!!!
Anyway, Emily cried a lot, said she still loved Brad, said they just couldn’t make it work and said she just wants to spend time with her family right now but we all KNOW that we will see her next season on
And we all KNOW I will be watching.  Ugh.  I HATE THIS SHOW!!!
Tune in NEXT WEEK (and by next week I mean tomorrow) for the hometown dates!  Sure to be a whole train of tragedy!
Choo Choo!