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Bachelor Pad recap after a bottle of wine August 23, 2011

Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
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Now don’t go and think this is going to be a habit.  I’ve been busy at work, and looking for an apartment, and while I’ve watched Bachelor Pad sometimes it takes me very long to recap it.  That being said….I was bored tonight and so I decided to throw a little fun your way.  Don’t expect much, I’ve had a bottle of wine.

First off…

WHO ARE YOU?  NO ONE CARES

Melissa and Vienna had dueling Pretty Parties the entire episode.

Melissa is like, soooooo pretty.  I totally would date her if I could.

Wait, so HOW did she get on The Bachelor again?  And HOW did she make it past the first week?  I’s confused.

Any chance we get to see men in Speedos, I’m soooo all about.

Don’t worry Michael.  I won’t tell anyone how adorable I think you are.

These two ass hats were back to judge the Synchronized Swimming competition.

NO ONE CARES WHO YOU ARE!!!  Well, no one except for this lady.

And lady, I hate to say it but….yeah…even with the gold medal around your neck we still don’t care who you are.  Moving on.

Oh look.

Tit soup.

With the exception of the various bulge shots, the S.S. competition was a BUST.  Total snooze fest.  Michael won for the boys and Michelle Money won for the girls (MICHELLE FOR THE WIN!!!  I know….I know….I’ll get to that in a second).

Remember that awesome Vienna pretty party I told you about?  Well…

We love her so much.  Never, ever vote her off.  Of course, never ever let her win, but she provides some good entertainment.

So remember on Brad’s season of The Bachelor how much I HAAAAATED Crazy Ass Michele?

Well….she’s not terribly awful on Bachelor Maxi Pad.  Sure, she’s aligned herself with Kasey and Vienna which makes her awful by proxy but whatevs, I’ll forgive her for it.  Plus, she looks fantastic.  You know who else looks fantastic?

I’m sorry sad sad lady, but even Glamour Shots cannot help your cause.

Michael took Holly and some other tramps on his date.  The other tramps because I don’t know why, but Holly because he wants to bone her again.

PAUSE.  PRETTY PARTY.

Okay, back to the date.  See now, Holly thinks she’s the shiiiiit but in actuality she just looks like shit.

I hate Ella and I hate Holly.  Ella because she’s, well, Ella and Holly because she is LEADING MICHAEL ON and because she looks like a beat up version of Lindsay from Real World Seattle.

Michael, however, is amazing.

I’m single now Michael!  I want you and your cheekbones to marry me!!!!

This ass hat is still fighting for survival

And this hot mess is still fighting for survival

So of course we all know what that means….

It’s time to eat some face!!  Now where’s Smashley!??!?!

For some reason this Tranny showed up.

I can’t say what happened.  I fast forwarded through it.  I did, however, see a guitar.  So I can guess that some awful song was played and Bret Michaels tried his best to portray facial movements.

VIENNA.  GO AWAY.  I accidentally screen grabbed a shot where she looks semi-alright…

So I had to make up for it with this shot.

And all was righted with the world.

Kasey Kasem had a jewlery box for Vienna (to which she said ‘oh please don’t let that be an engagement ring’) and after he gave her his sad ass “Promise Ring” he decided to sing her a homemade song.

WHY DOES KASEY INSIST ON SINGING ON THESE SHOWS??!  HE IS NOT GOOD!  GO HOME!!!

No comment needed.

No comment needed.

Michelle honestly has looked amazing.  Even like this.

Let’s just hope she doesn’t give herself a black eye again.

I really, really can’t with this girl.

Watch, she’s gonna go and win the whole entire thing.

So Jake and the Princess conspire together to vote off Kasey and the entire last 45 mins of the episode can be summed together in a few screen shots:

MAKE OUT!!!!

For real, these shows should really only be an hour.  It would make my life a whole lot easier.

It all came down to Kasey or Jake, and Vienna was clearly hoping Jake would stay in the house…

Oh how much can change in a year… *cough*FAMEWHORE*cough*

Chris Harrison came out to show us his tie from H & M…

And I swear he said “The person whose name I call is safe…”

So he calls ‘Kasey”

And…..BOOM!  Credits.   Did Kasey stay?!  Did Jake go home?  Does anyone REALLY care!??!  I mean come on people, there’s like, earthquakes in New York and something going on in Libya!  There are more important things in life!

Hell, who am I kidding – if SOMEONE knows who went home, let me know, I’m dying to know.

Okay.  Wine.  Bed.  Sleep.  DUECES!!

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It’s Alliiiiiiiiive August 17, 2011

Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
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Hello Bri-Tunesers, I hope that you’ve been well.  Obviously I have not been around lately.  There have been a multitude of reasons for that – let’s discuss:

*I GOT A JOB!!!!!!  Last week could not have been more stressful of a week if it tried.  A few things happened personally that kind of took over my mind but on Tuesday I finally got a job offer.  Where, may you ask?  Well let’s just say that it involves a pretty famous mouse and movies.  Started this week, I’m super excited, and it’s going well.  And I’mma leave it at that.

*YES, I am watching Bachelor Pad.  I wish, oh how do I wish, that I had time to recap it.  I mean, there are so many levels of tranny I feel like I turn into a Drag Queen every time I watch it.  Just this week, even.  I mean, that egg competition?  Chris Harrison’s shirt DURING the egg competition?  Jake, Vienna?  Vienna’s cross-eyes?  ‘Smames and Jackie? ‘Smame’s titties?   I CAN’T EVEN.  Obviously Jake and Vienna are cray-cray but you know who I really hate?  ELLA.  I can’t remember, did I hate her that much on Brad’s season?  I don’t know but she is awful.  The pits.  They need to send her southern ass home asap.  And please Ella – ’31’ my ass.

*I saw Beyonce in concert last night.  She is AMAZING live.  Even though she made me stand for two hours with sweaty people shoulder to shoulder, she was worth every penny I paid.

*That’s it.  I know, I know!  The first time I blog in a week and a half and that’s all I have!  But honestly, I’m exhausted, I have to get up early, and I need to finish watching Bachelor Pad.  I just wanted to check in, tell you all I haven’t forgotten you, and, like you, hope that one day BriTunes2 gets back to it’s once former glory.  Or, at the very least, hope that Vienna loses Bachelor Pad.

Bachelorette Recap: It’s so Hard to say Goodbye…. August 2, 2011

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We’re done!!!  Hallelujah we’re done!  No more Smashley!  No more Bentley!  No more ‘Smames!  Well…until Bachelor Pad, at least.  Is it wrong I kinda want to see Smashley go on there just so I can continue making fun of her?  Is that mean of me to say?  Whatever, why stop now.

I have to admit I was shocked at the low level of pensive shots we had in the first hour of this episode.  Normally it’s pensive after pensive and this is all we got.

That’s it?  Walking around in your damn yellow tank top?  No gazing at your reflection in a pond?  No balcony overlooking the ocean?  Don’t fail me now Smashley!  If pensive shots go the way of back tattoos, I shall be severely disappointed.

Smashley’s brother is my faaaaaavorite.

Pay no attention to the fact that he’s drop dead ugly and has an awesome necklace around his neck.  Pay more attention to the fact that he had that damn towel and was wiping himself off every five minutes!  I know you’re in Figi but come on.

Uh oh.

On the count of three, ready?  One, two, three…

“Biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch.”

There he goes again with that damn towel….

Smashley’s sister (I can’t remember her name but let’s just call her ‘ho bag skank’) met JP for literally five seconds and could tell right off the bat that he wasn’t right for her sister.  So, like any self respecting sibling would do, she told Smashley about it.

Smashley, of course, took it very well.

I can’t.

As if she hadn’t done enough damage, ho bag skank then told JP that he wasn’t right for her sister.

Isn’t she lovely?  Isn’t she wonderful?

I did appreciate JP’s response.

Like…what do you even say to that?  “Um….okay?  Sorry?”  It’s like the producers said to her “okay, we need you to not like one of these guys.  Pick whichever one you want and….go!.”

Thanks to ho bag skank, however, we did get our first true pensive shot of the episode.

Aw, JP, so sad too bad.

Loved the fight between Smash and the skank.

And then we finally saw the clip we’ve seen during EVERY preview where Smashley says “it’s just that you’re being a bitch!”

She’s not a bitch Smashley, we decided she’s a ho bag skank instead.  Get it right.

Everyone was super happy Josh Groban showed up to the party

Especially ho bag skank, who looked like she was in MAJOR need of a nap.

Josh Groban impressed everyone with his ‘dog voice’

And I had to rewind three times to make sure he didn’t just say ‘titty witty’ because I’m PRET-TY damn sure he did.

Once ho bag skank sat down with Ben, her true reasons for hating JP became very clear

SHE WANTS BEN!  Look at those eyes she’s giving him!

Of course who DOESN’T want Ben!?  He makes the family laugh just so!

Hil-AR-ious.

You bored?  Yeah, cause I am too.  Sure the ho bag skank stuff was juicy but ughhhh…meeting Smashley’s family….I mean, could it get more tedious?  Oh wait, yes it could.

HELICOPTER RIDE!

“This is how I travel to work every day.”  Shut up Josh Groban, you’re not funny.  I mean, you were in “Crazy, Stupid, Love,” but that’s beside the point.

Because ho bag skank taught Smashley everything she knows, Smash though it would be fun to get sexy in a ‘mud bath’

And of course saw this has the perfect opportunity to eat some face.

And then some more face.

So Ben loves her, they shared some time together eating face, blah blah blah.  What’s more exciting is that on JP’s date, Smashley’s CLEAVAGE came out to play!!

Awwwww yeah, sex it up biotch!

Of course Smash and JP had to discuss what went down between ho bag skank and JP

Well….Smash, JP, and JP’s giant head vein

You know those damn head veins, they’s always gotsta be part of the conversation!

JP calmed Smashley’s fears, she calmed his, he told her he loved her, they ate some face, blah blah blah.

MY favorite part about that, however, and let me know if anyone else noticed this, was that he kept saying ‘If I love you is what she needs to hear to be okay with this, then I have to take that leap of faith.”  Ahhh….just what every girl and gay boy wants to hear from a guy:  “Well, if you NEED to hear it, I love you.”  That’s true love right thurr!

During their time ‘alone’ together, JP shared with her a love letter

And I kiiiiiinda sorta felt some feelings.  WHAT?!!  It was cute!!!

Then this shot happened and  I went back to hating everything.

Sleeping Beauty, she is not.

“Dear Diary…”

“Ben has a small penis, I can’t pick him.”

After the family time and the dates were done, we FINALLY got to the good stuff.  And by ‘good stuff’ I mean…

PENSIVE!

PENSIVE BY A TREE!

NEIL LANE GIVING RELATIONSHIP ADVICE!!!

JP DREADING THE FACT THAT HE HAS TO PROPOSE!!

And of course…..this.

I read somewhere yesterday that Smashley’s finale dress cost $16,700.

Bitch, give me a flamingo and some muslin and I could make it for fifty bucks.

It’s always so nerve wracking seeing who is going to come out of the plane first.  Because even though you’ve been correctly guessing the winner for quite some time now (ahem) there’s still that slim chance she could go the opposite way than what you’ve been thinking.  As it was though, Josh Groban was the first out of the plane and the first to receive Chris Harrison’s handshake of death.

It was quite a windy day in Figi, which led to good hair days all around.

It needn’t matter though because nothing was more embarrassing than getting down on one knee….for SMASHLEY!!

Forget the fact that you just got dumped, you actually went out of your way to propose to Smashley!!  To this!!

What is wrong with you?!?!

Ben had the exact same reaction I would have had.

Dueces!!!!  And good for him for getting a little snappy with her.

Because she led him on so much, even I thought she was going to pick him a little bit.  I mean, I knew she wasn’t going to because she and JP have been sucking face since the beginning (ie. in love) but for a while there I was like ‘omg, what if I’m wrong!’

When this shot happened I turned to More-O and said ‘well that’s going to be a screen grab tomorrow’ and lo and behold….

You can’t write shit like that!!!!  That camera man deserves a raise.

Hey, watch your mouth Ben.

I know you’re upset, but this is not an occasion for profane language.

This however, is.

I totally would have driven by and been like “F U BITCH!!!!’  That would have showed her!

So by now we all know that my boyfriend JP won.

“Won.”  It is Smashley, after all.

He sucked it up and got down on one knee because it’s ‘What she wanted’ but what, I ask you, is that nasty ass scab on the back of his head?

Uh….you might wanna get that checked out dude.

Well, just like that, JP got the final rose and with that another season of The Bachelorette was over.

Will we miss it?  Will we miss Smashley?  Will JP turn out to be the one for her?  Will Ben be the next Bachelor?  Will Smashley be forced to pay for the $16,700 dress she just ruined by going in the ocean?

Alas, we may never know.

Bachelorette Recap: The Men Tell All (except for Bentley, who didn’t show) August 1, 2011

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You know its a boring season of The Bachelorette when they have to air The Men Tell All special on a Sunday night because they don’t want to waste one more minute on Smashley and her hopeless quest for love.  Truth to tell, there really wasn’t much to the special as nothing cool was revealed and Bentley didn’t even show up so there weren’t even any tears.  Whatevs.  And I’m starting to think Chris Harrison is repeating outfits.

One can only hope he’ll spruce it up a bit for Bachelor Pad.

Speaking of Bachelor Pad, there was a whole big clip package that showed previews from next Monday’s premiere!  Oh and look!  Some people from the show are here!!

Shamless Plug, Shamless Plug…the show itself looks a hot mess.  Of course I’ll be watching it.  And honestly I don’t know how I can resist recapping it, but we’ll see.

Cute boyfriend Ryan was back!

But unfortunately he didn’t say a DAMN.  WORD.  The ENTIRE.  SHOW.  I guess there was a reason he was let go so early.  Sad face.

A person who DID talk a bunch was Will.

We saw a clip package of scenes we’ve seen a million times, then we talked to Ryan again for the 1 billionth time…

 

and was the hell was up with Nick talking so much?

I mean, he said a total of 15 words the entire time he was on the show but last night he was yippin and yappin all over the place.

Seriously homeboy would not shut up.  Can someone say…’overcompensating?’

We get it Ryan.  You’re looking for love.  You didn’t find it.

Now dear God can we all just move on?  This guy’s fishing so hard to be the next Bachelor he’s practically living on a boat in the middle of the sea with a pole in his hand! (because he’s a fisherman.  He’s fishing.  Get it?)

 

‘Smames was back.

And the girls went crrrrrraaaazzzzyyyyy!!!  God knows girls love themselves a robotic Portfolio Manager!  Yummy.

 

Ugh.

GO.  AWAY.

 

Crizzzazy Michele was back.

And lucky for us she’s going to be on Bachelor Pad too.  If there’s one thing Michele Money brings, it’s the drammmzzz!  Can’t wait.

 

Smashley.  I know we’ve talked in the past about your outfits.  But what.  Are.  You.  Wearing.

Stripper chic!

Chris Harrison thought it would be a good idea to bring back some previous Bachelors/Bachelorettes to give Smashley advice (aka help her to not feel so bad she was made a fool on national television).

Among the ‘esteemed’ panel was The Devil,

 

 

Used to be hot but now he’s annoying Jason,

 

and Ali.  Blarg.  Ali.


You know that’s the first time Ali has put on makeup in months.  Damn hippie.

Smashley looked and listened very intently

but you know the entire time she was thinking ‘hmmm….I wonder what Bentley is doing right now.’

There were some fun blooper moments which I actually loved and which surprisingly made me not hate Smashley so much.  But then they showed previews for the finale next week and I thought about just HOW MANY pensive moments I’m going to have to screen grab and I went back to hating her again.  I, for one, am thrilled this season is almost OVER.  Overall I would give it one big ol

Thanks for the assist, Josh Groban!!