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Bachelor-Cap February 16, 2012

Posted by britunes2 in Uncategorized.
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Hey ya’ll, sorry the Bachelor-Cap is super late this week.  It has been a week, let me tell you…It has beeeeeeen a week.  That being said, I’m super disappointed in this week’s Bachelor episode.  I didn’t see ANY pensive looks from Ben.  None.  And not that I was super paying attention but still, none?  I mean, don’t they know what we want?

His tank top.  That is what I want.  I mean, hello Nikki, am I right?

Yeah, totes!  (her name is Nikki, isn’t it?)

It’s so hard to believe that we only have six girls left.  I mean, they are just BURNING through them this season.  Makes me feel like, I dunno, they’d like to be done with the train wreck that is Ben, or something.  Lucky for us, the ones that are left like to provide us with plenty of pretty parties.

And that’s just a preview.  I don’t want to spill all the goods just yet.

Chris Harrison is back in all his gorgeousness and he also brought with him a friend that we haven’t seen for a while.  Oh yes, that’s right….it’s the…

TECHNICOLOR BUTTON-DOWN!!!!  I’m so happy I could cry.  Belize must bring out the “C-razy Chris Harrison.”

Yup, thanks for that Kacie B.  (KACIE B!  KACIE B!  KACIE B!)

Oof.

By the way, WHAT is that shirt?  A striped blouse with lace shoulders?  What the what?

Speaking of shirts…

Ben is BA-RINGING the heat in another tank top I’m totally coveting.  What can I say, the man knows how to dress (and by that I mean ‘the dressers of The Bachelor know how to dress….the Bachelor’). 

Pretty party.

Thanks for coming.  Here’s your party favor.

I’m sure he was talking about something else, but I’d like to think Ben was pointing to the fact that his nipples look weird and his obviously shaved chest looks unnatural.  But that’s just what I think.  And really, what does it matter what I think?

For the first one-on-one, Ben and Lindzeeeeeee jumped out of a helicopter (surprise) together.

I have to say, if I heard ONE MORE DAMN time about how Lindzee was ‘falling out of a helicopter and falling for Ben’ or how she was taking a ‘leap of faith with Ben, literally’ or how she was ‘jumping for joy for Ben’ I was going to book myself a damn flight to damn Belize, and push her damn ass out of that helicopter.

And yes, I do realize that I would also need a time machine because this was all filmed months ago but that is BESIDES THE POINT.

They made it seem like they were just jumping into a ‘blue hole’ (yes…blue hole) of nothingness and then were going to swim around the coral reef until one of them drowned but then a boat appeared out of nowhere

and all of my hopes and dreams for the one-on-one with Lindzeeeeee were dashed.

I’ll tell you one thing though, Belize sure is pretty.

No sarcasm intended (a first for me, I know).

Part of me WANTS to like Lindzee but then I look at her…

…and I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Back at the house the rest of the girls were obsessing about the one-on-ones and Courtney was doing this.

I may have reached my boiling point with her this week, ya’ll.  I don’t know that I can handle her face anymore.

But anyway, back to the date.  Yes, the date.  Where they wrote a ‘fairy tale’ about Lindzee and Ben, put it in a bottle, and set it off to sea.

Some girls get yachts, some girls get Circe de Soiles….Lindzee gets a bottle on a dock.  A true fairy tale indeed!

Gag.

Hey Ben, whatcha doin’ there?

Cause it look reeeeeal gay to me.  Also gay?

His synchronized dancing with Emily.  In real life they’re playing basketball with random natives of Belize (random my ass) but I choose to belive they are dancing instead.  And it’s my Bachelor-cap, so I can choose what I want to choose.  I choose my choice.

Let me ask you something.  If you’re in Belize, and you see a man on a dock selling lobsters and you ask to buy one and he says ‘no, these are all spoken for but tell ya what, if she’ll smile at me I’ll take you and your lady on a private boat tour where you can buy your own lobsters,’ would you think he was being for real?

No.  No you would not.  However, this is The Bachelor and ANYTHING is possible.


Ladies and Gentlemen, lobster full frontal.

Back at the house, Courtney was being put through it.

But back on the DATE, Ben and Emily were dancing with the locals, which may or may not have included a he/she man/woman.

It was much scarier when in motion but seriously, what was that?

Get it Emily, GET IT GET IT! 

But is it really necessary for all of us to see your toungue slopping all around?  Blech!

Back at the house, the last one-on-one date went to……COURTNEY!!  Good thing for us, Kacie B is an expert in side eye.

Yes, honey!  I have taught you well!

In addition to the side eye, Kacie couldn’t stop talking about how badly she wanted to ‘squash Courtney like a black widow.’

Um, bitch I hate to break it to you but Black Widow’s are poisionous and if you sqashed one like that it would bite you and your dumb ass would die.  Just thought I’d let ya know.

For Courtney and Ben’s date, they walked some tall ass Mayan ruins…

Courtney sucked on some fruit…

and Ben was so awe inspired by the view he introduced us to the phrase ‘Oh My Dad.’

I can’t. 

And, if my math is correct, if Ben is substituting ‘dad’ for ‘God,’ we should substitute’ Jesus’ for ‘Ben.’  But what do I know, I’ve always been bad at math.

Like Lindzee before her, Courtney likened walking the Mayan steps to taking steps with Ben.  And every ‘step’ was a ‘step’ in their ‘relationship.’

You people make me want to kill myself.

BLECH!

Yes Lindzee….

WE GET IT.

For the group date, Ben surprised all of the ladies first thing in the morning which led to this lovely exchange.

I spared you the shot of Rachel shaving her armpits in the sink.  :::shudder:::

So yes, KACIE B, Rachel, and Nikki came to play, and so did Nikki’s friends.

Double and D.

Justin Bieber was also there

As were the most unthreatening sharks I’ve EVER SEEN.

I mean, I can’t even justify that experience with a screen grab.  They were going to go “SWIMMING WITH SHARKS” but in actuality they went swimming with some baby vegitarian sharks, some sting rays, and some finding nemos.  And it was a good thing Ben was there because Rachel and her nose ring were TERRRRRRRRRIFIED of the sharks.  Afterwards, I beleive she said something to the effect of ‘each shark I saw was like another shark in this house that I want to beat to get to the whale shark that is Ben and my’s relationship and I’m not afraid to be a Great White.’

Or something like that.

No one know who you are Nikki.

No one.

As if we’ve forgotten that they’re in a foreign country, KACIE B found it necessary to remind us by wearing the national symbol of ‘I’m in a foreign country….’

…a big ass flower.

I’d now like to invite you to the 5th annual….COURTNEY PRETTY PARTY!!!!

Thank you for coming, your party gifts at the door.

I SAID THANK YOU FOR COMING.  A GOOD DAY TO YOU.

At the rose ceremony, Ben simply HAD to pull Courtney aside to ask her some more questions about why all the girls don’t like her

when REALLY we all know the answer.

PS.  It’s because she’s awful.

Speaking of awful…

Let’s cut back on the makeup next time Zsa Zsa, whatya say?

As it was, the last three ladies were these tramps

with Courntey and her weird ass face getting the last rose.  This prompted Emily to make this face

Rachel to being tired (I’m tired of the feather earing she’s wearing)

And Emily to cry some mascara tears.

Looks like a successful rose ceremony if you ask me!!!!!

Next week is sure to be an awesome episode as it’s the………FAMILY HOME DATES!!!!  But more importantly, Ben wears an adorable shirt.

Ah!!! GIMMEE!!!

Here’s hoping Courtney get’s squashed like the tarantula she is!!

Squash.

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